sharing traditions

Last Tuesday, my husband and I celebrated Diwali. Diwali, also known as the "festival of lights", is one of the most important festivals in the Hindu tradition. One of the rituals is to workship Lakshmi, who is the goddess of wealth.

my husband's altar, with the lit "dia" (oil lamp)

As we are a half-Indian/half-Filipino household, my husband and I have been celebrating each other's traditions. I sit beside him as he says his prayers for blessings for ourselves, our families, and loved ones. And beside him, I pray in my own Catholic tradition for blessings as well.

As we have been married only... let's see, about 1 1/2 years / about 1 year and 2 months / 6 months--based on our legal, Catholic, and Hindu ceremonies, respectively (Confused yet? Yes, it sounds wedding-crazy but believe me we are sensible people!) -- we are figuring out our interfaith marriage as we go forward. Our individual spirituality is something important to both of us, and something each of us respected in the other. As I look back, getting married in each other's tradition perhaps has marked the beginning of something that will evolve into this shared spirituality.

We don't have it all figured out yet, especially when the time comes for us to start talking about having a family. I don't know what it will look like in the future, but this I know....

I am reminded, yet again, of what the poet Rumi wrote:

"There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground." 

confessions of a yoga teacher

At 30+, I still get *slightly* giddy over pretty notebooks.

I will preface my "confessions" by saying that these are just personal preferences and tendencies, not judgments or evaluative statements about practices or preferences that are different from mine. It takes all kinds to make the yoga world go round.


Here goes...

~ I don't wake up at the butt-crack of dawn for a 2-hour asana and meditation practice. I stumble out of bed with my eyes half closed, head to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, and then head to the kitchen because my stomach is grumbling.

~ I need my stimulants (i.e., espresso/cappuccino in the fall/winter, Earl Grey tea in the spring/summer) in the morning to get going.

~ I wish I could say I drink a freshly-made green juice every morning. But I'm more likely to have a chocolate croissant with said stimulants above. Or cake. But I do eat my greens at lunch and dinner.

~ Needless to say, I don't "salute the sun" with surya namaskara (sun salutations) in the morning. I will at sunset though. Or in the evening.

~ Sometimes, depending on what else is going on, my asana practice is just child's pose or a yin-style forward bend. That's it.

 ~ I don't chant OM in my practice. Or chant anything. Not to say I didn't try for a good long while. I understand the meaning behind OM, but I'd rather meditate on something that resonates more deeply and more personally with me (like a favorite prayer). I say it silently to myself. But if I am taking a class and the teacher leads the group through OM or a chant, I gladly listen.

~ On that note, I don't chant OM when I teach either. It's not that I'm "against" it. But if it's not in my own practice, how can I genuinely teach it?

~ I don't do crazy arm balances effortlessly like Kathryn Budig or Seane Corn. I've become more and more cautious over the years about the limitations of my physical body (and the fear of crashing on my face and losing a tooth). But I have done some crazy things like 108 sun salutations during the summer solstice.

~ I'm not crazy flexible. Gone are the childhood gymnastics days of straddle-split-chest-on-floor stretches. There are just certain things my body doesn't do, which I now have a deeper understanding of - thanks to the concepts of tension, compression, and proportion (with credit to Paul Grilley - his anatomy DVD changed my yoga world).

~ Related to the previous point above, I have never, and probably won't ever, sit in a full lotus. And that is ok, because my hips just won't seem to move that way and I love my knees too much to compromise them for what my hips can't do. And I want my hips and knees to carry me through old age 50+ years from now.

~ Although I know yoga is not really just about the physical poses - because the physical practice is just 1/8 of the entire yoga philosophy - sometimes, I really, really, really just want to "get it" while in a revolved triangle (not one of my faves). And I won't deny that I let out an excited squeal when I went up in a headstand for the first time during my yoga teacher training.

~ I never really liked the term "advanced" to describe someone who practices yoga. Someone once asked me if I were "advanced". I asked him, "what do you mean?" I truly believe in what my first teacher, Anna, said: "Always have a beginner's perspective." And I feel it in my muscles, my joints, and my mind every time I step onto the mat. The body doesn't lie.

~ And on that note, I would much rather use the term "committed" than "advanced" to describe someone who regularly practices yoga.

~ I hit a plateau in my yoga practice a few years ago. I just wasn't "feeling it" for some reason. But I definitely came back to it with a deeper appreciation the second time around. And it really drove the "beginner's perspective" home for me.

 ~ Sometimes I come in with a detailed plan (written down) for how I'm going to teach class. Sometimes I have a general plan in my head. It all depends - and it largely depends on who shows up.

~ I often get my right and left sides confused while teaching. Especially when I'm facing the group.

~ I've gone from omnivore to vegetarian (lacto-ovo) to "vegan" (" " used intentionally, because it lasted 2, maybe 3 weeks max - no matter what I do, I just do not get the same results when I bake with things like Earth Balance. I want the real-deal butter. I have Julia Child to thank.)... so I went back to vegetarian to most recently an occasional pescetarian. Dessert, however, is a mainstay. Always was, always will be. 

~ Though I'm pretty good at choosing what I eat and cooking things from scratch most of the time, I'm just as likely to make my own kimchi as I am to open a bag of Cape Cod salt + vinegar chips every now and then.

~ I don't remember all the Sanskrit names for the asanas (poses).

~ I'm not perfectly outfitted in color-coordinated Lululemon from head to toe. Target and Gap workout clothes work just fine for me (and my wallet).

~ I try my best to be a mindful and ethical consumer ("reduce-reuse-recycle"), but I am just as likely to reduce my use of plastic as I am to lust over a beautifully made, high-quality leather bag that will last for years.

~ I prefer not to have incense burning during yoga (whether I teach or attend a class). Especially if it's patchouli. But if it's already burning when I enter a yoga room, I'll just position myself far away from it.

~ I'm not a huge fan of "hot" yoga. I've tried it a few times, but I really just prefer regular room temperature. 

~ I don't plan my yoga music playlist ahead of time like I know some (or a lot of) teachers do.

~ I'm not relaxed and blissed-out 100% of the time which seems to be the general yoga teacher stereotype. I have anxiety and insomnia. And several years ago I suffered from depression too. There, I said it. But this experience deepened my yoga practice like no other.

~ And truth be told... you won't regularly find me in a cross-legged seated position, fingers in a mudra, and eyes closed, meditating. I try, I really do. It is a practice, after all. But I meditate better while swimming than I do while seated.

Yoga teachers or yogis/yoginis: 'fess up! I'd love to hear the quirks that make you "you".

lately

This is what has been going on:

image source

Not much to say today, so I'm not going to ramble. Over and out.

sleep props

Ever since I was a teenager, sleep has been something that always evaded me. I think it all started when I discovered Sidney Sheldon novels that would keep me up at night.

And now, 15+ years later, it still haunts me. Not Sidney Sheldon, but the trouble falling asleep.

Working from home (most of the time) certainly has its advantages, including working in pajamas. Well, it could be an advantage or disadvantage, depending on how you look at it. But one clear disadvantage, for me at least, is that it's been very difficult for me to just leave work behind the way you would when you physically leave an office outside of your home.

I haven't been great at structuring my work hours, which is largely the problem.

But I try. 

I start with turning off my laptop at least 30 minutes before I going to bed - ideally an hour, but sometimes I end up turning it off before I accomplish what I needed to accomplish, and so I end up tossing and turning - and then I get up anyway to either get it done or put it on my list.

I also stopped bringing the iPad into the bedroom with me. This was tough, but it had to be done. I am doing everything in my power to NOT get addicted to Kindle. They say that screens from electronic devices stimulate your eyes the way sunshine does, which makes it even harder for the brain to recognize that it's time to rest.

Then I turn on my sleep playlist or the nature sounds app on my iPhone.

And then I take one 500-mcg dose of melatonin, the lowest available dose. I still don't know what to do about this long-term. I don't take it on the weekends to give my body a break - just so I don't start feeling dependent on it, physically and psychologically.

Then my bedtime routine begins...

My husband gets amused with all the props I use and surround myself with to help me drift off into sleep. Well, because normally I don't quite "drift off" into sleep effortlessly and blissfully.

 

 Clockwise from left:

Badger sleep balm, Indu aromatherapy lotion and spray, Origins "Bedtime Hug", and Blessings, a book of affirmations/meditations by Julia Cameron. Photos from each product's website.

The Badger sleep balm is scented with natural essential oils - lavender and bergamot - my favorite scents! I rub this on my temples, and sometimes the back of my neck and shoulders, giving myself a mini-massage. I love how the website says it's for "restless wanderers"!

The Indu aromatherapy lotion and spray is amazing. It's made by a local yoga teacher here in Cleveland. I just order it by email and pick it up at her house. It's also made with essential oils such as lavender, geranium, and other soothing scents. This hands-down the best lotion ever. I apply the lotion on my hands, and spray some of the aromatherapy spray on my pillow.

The Origins "Bedtime Hug" was a gift from a good friend of mine a few years ago, and it's holding up well. It's like a little pillow, scented with - yes, you guessed it - lavender essential oil - and you can dampen it then warm it slightly in the microwave. So comforting on my back or even on on my belly. It's got a little weight to it, and in the absence of sandbags to weigh myself down for calming purposes (don't judge - I've tried sandbags during a relaxation yoga class and it was amazing), this kind of does the trick.

Then I open up a book of meditations, just randomly, to any page - and on rotation is Julia Cameron's Blessings. Other books I have on my bedside table are 365 Yoga by Julie Rappaport, and The Secret Power of Yoga by Nischala Joy Devi. This helps replace all my work-related thoughts, so I end the day on a positive note. It sets the tone for gratitude, loving-kindness, and prayer.

                                

photo credit

They say that "sleep hygiene" is all about creating a comforting routine that signals to your brain that it's time to rest. Very occasionally I might soak in the bath with (yes, lavender) Epsom salts - but I don't always have the luxury of doing this every night. Somehow, my mind still goes back to the time I experienced growing up, when water was rationed, and sometimes I can't bear to fill up a tub with that much water so regularly.

But perhaps my mindset will change if my bathroom looked like this:

floating modern bathtub | photo credit

Ok, went off on a tangent there.

Another routine that A. and I have gotten into is... I know, this will sound a bit strange.... reading our horoscope! I was never into reading my horoscope. But let me tell you that the Indian horoscope is WAY more fun. A. reads it from this Indian website -- in Hindi, no less, and he translates it for me of course. It's actually not a bad thing that I can't read Hindi, because then I don't have to look at the screen and stimulate my eyes and brain again after ALL the things I do to get blissed out and ready for sleep. Thankfully A. has no trouble whatsoever falling asleep - he's great at just leaving work behind. We tend to giggle our way through our nightly horoscope reading. Now I don't know if A. translates everything accurately or not (especially if there are not-so-good things in that day's reading), but hey, I'll take it.

At this point I close my eyes, then settle into deepening and slowing down my breathing.

And at the risk of lavender growing out of me (which is quite plausible at the rate I'm going - were you ever told that joke when you were a kid, that if you accidentally swallow a seed it will start to sprout inside you until a plant grows from your body? Anyone? Ok, maybe not...), I fall asleep within a half hour - on a good day. 

photo credit

It's been a good couple of weeks now (almost), except for maybe a day or two. Much better than when I was falling asleep at 3 or 4 am, which led to me being really grumpy, having no appetite (GASP!), and worst of all, taking it out on my poor husband who is nothing but the kindest, gentlest, most loving soul to me.

And for him, I'll take the risk of having lavender grow out of my body.

indian summer

Indian summer day

The bluest skies, glowing yellow/orange leaves as though they are lit from within, and 70-degree weather? Yes, please.

#thankful

to sharon

I've been turning inward the past couple of days.

Last Sunday, I received an email from a dear friend, sharing some incredibly sad and painful news.

I'm at a complete loss for words. But since Sharon is a fellow lover of Mary Oliver's poetry, I thought I'd share these words here.

A Thousand Mornings

All night my heart makes its way
however it can over the rough ground
of uncertainties, but only until night
meets and then is overwhelmed by
morning, the light deepening, the
wind easing and just waiting, as I
too wait (and when have I ever been
disappointed?) for redbird to sing.

- Mary Oliver

To Sharon and Andy... May you feel the love of your family and friends, and all those lives you've touched, in your time of loss and healing. We are with you during this rough night, however long and dark it is, and we will be with you as the light deepens into morning. 

I'm a big believer in the power of the mind... so whether you know them or not, please send a positive thought their way. 

the universe is funny sometimes.

So it's been some time since I've written on this blog.

This summer I took on a couple of different things, not quite knowing what this fall semester will hold.

Teaching 2 courses feels like a full-time job. Partly because I am aware that I am detail-oriented (and ok, perfectionist... ugh I hate saying that), so I tend to spend excessive amounts of time over little details.

I do miss writing here though, so I thought I'd share some random things that have been going on lately...

I was so excited to be teaching yoga again, and to be selling cookies - both of which I thought long and hard about (as my cautious self does) before jumping in. And just when I told myself, "YES", and got it started, an injury creeps up on me.

I talked to a childhood friend of mine, an occupational therapist who specializes in hand therapy, based in California. She "diagnosed" me via FaceTime. Don't you love technology? She suspected tendonitis. And another friend of mine, an MD in Kentucky, suspected the same. I'm doctor-less right now, so I had to find more creative ways of getting a "consultation".

So yes, just when I started teaching yoga (and doing more down dogs, chatturangas, etc) AND just when I started selling cookies (read: manual labor), I now feel really limited by my wrist issues. After thinking long and hard about whether to do it, then finally I did  it... why now, of all times, do I have to have this injury?

The universe is funny sometimes. 

Not that my so-called issues are earth-shattering, by any means. Far from it. Earth-shattering, no. Frustrating, yes.

So I finally got this monster of a mouse:

Logitech Trackball M570

Technically I don't think it's a mouse - you actually don't move the whole unit, just that nifty blue trackball with your thumb to navigate on your screen.

Funny thing is, this injury s-l-o-w-l-y started creeping up on me probably in... July? And I held off on buying this because I loved the "motion economy" (to quote my dad) of using my Macbook's trackpad. I loved the quick, efficient movements from keyboard to trackpad and trackpad to keyboard while working. Because I'm actually not the most patient person when it comes to my work - and I felt that using a mouse would slow me down. I realized many times before that I do not really like slowing down very much when I'm working. Especially when the sheer volume of work just sometimes seems... insurmountable, relative to the number of hours in a day.

But I realize my occupational hazards of working at a computer pretty much all day, and then practicing/teaching yoga, and then baking. I don't ever give my hands a break. No wonder they are protesting.

Lessons learned, for sure. 

And as I'm learning more about ergonomically designed workspaces, my workspace - both at home and on campus - are set up horribly. But that's another story.

What is it about this urgency to see results, and why is it hard to let it go? Funny how I've been talking about "incremental, yet meaningful change" (I think I got that from a Leeann Carey workshop) while teaching yoga. Perhaps I've been saying it a lot in class, because it's a reminder I need for myself as well.

So as I'm learning to use my new "trackball", I'm learning to give myself time for the movements to be stored in my muscle memory, and trying to be more patient in seeing results. Even if I don't have quite the same precision of movement yet with the trackball as I did with my built-in laptop trackpad. I'm getting there. I still get frustrated occasionally, but I think the trackball and I are slowly becoming friends.

I'm learning to sit still and be patient as I soak my hand and wrist in a big pot of warm water mixed with epsom salts, much to the amusement of my husband as he watches me try to sit still, knowing that in my mind, my thoughts are racing about needing to get X, Y, and Z done.

image source

I'm learning to own up to what I just can't do. Three times I've had to contact a few friends who ordered cookies, to say that I couldn't fulfill their cookie orders that week when I was in pain. And all of those times I learned how understanding other people are when you come forward with honesty (thank you, Misty, Anne Dean, and Lissa). I was so worried about what they would think, when really, all of them said in their own kind ways - it's all good, send the cookies whenever you can.

I'm learning to be more aware, more intentional with my movements - beyond my yoga mat - so that I don't further injure myself.

I'm learning to give my hands a break when I'm tired and just put everything on hold for a while, instead of rushing from one thing to the next to fulfill this need to be "productive".

Because it's certainly difficult to be productive while pushing through pain. Especially when even simple everyday things like pushing down on a soap pump with my hand or carrying some dishes can make me wince, like it did last night.

And I'm learning the hard way about being patient with myself.

Incremental, yet meaningful change.