authenticity

I've been reflecting on this notion of authenticity. My reading has led me to the work of Dr. Brene Brown, an author, speaker, and research professor who studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Here are her big questions:

"How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?" (http://www.brenebrown.com/welcome)

Wow. After writing a blog post a few months ago on using a mantra "I am enough" to reduce my anxiety and worry, I got goosebumps after reading that question.  Someone is actually studying this? And not just studying it, but writing and speaking about it? I felt this sudden realization that I am not alone in my ramblings. I felt a sudden sense of connection. It was like Dr. Brown was speaking directly to me. Because the reality I believe is that we are all somehow connected within our personal journeys. It's what makes us human.

I also viewed her TED conference video on vulnerability and authenticity. Her talk was so heartfelt and insightful, yet lighthearted and funny. The last slide in her presentation brought tears to my eyes. Watch it here:

In her website I came across this postcard of writings by Dr. Brown. It was like a personal message. A friend of mine calls it "God Winks".

You can download your Authenticity 4x6 card (for free) from Brene Brown's website. Click here!

Some thoughts I will be thinking about before the new year...

• How do I define and practice authenticity in my own life? 
• How can I balance being authentic AND productive (i.e., in my work)? Can these two qualities work together compatibly?
• How can I be most authentic in my relationships with others? In my inner/spiritual life? In my professional life? 
• How do I let myself be vulnerable, so that I can also be compassionate to myself and others?

Happy New Year everyone! Here's to our own journeys towards our most authentic selves in 2011.

help is on the way...

... if we know when to ask.

I'm afraid to write about this topic here on the blog, but I have some thoughts swirling around in my head.

Last night, help came in the form of melatonin. I know... I try not to just pop pills left and right, in favor of more "natural" solutions. But after many days of restless nights and interrupted sleep, my body just really, desperately needed a good night's rest.

Especially after traveling... my trip to California was absolutely wonderful but as always, I experienced my "pre-travel anxiety", in which I go over my mental lists and notes in my head about what I have to do, things I shouldn't forget, etc, etc.... and as a result I toss and turn for hours. And this is after even making physical lists with a paper and pencil. I'm not quite sure why I experience this. I've been traveling since I was little, and I think I should be used to it... but no. The night before I flew out, I tried every trick I had: breathing exercises, mantra meditation, a few down dogs and child's poses, legs up the wall... but I could not, for the life of me, quiet my mind. It may have to do with the fact that this trip wasn't exclusively a "for-pleasure" trip, but it was for a conference presentation with a little pleasure and fun squeezed in. So I had a lot to think about - to remember this and that and the other thing regarding my conference presentation. Anyway, the night before I flew out, I ended up getting only ONE HOUR of sleep. And I had to wake up at 5 am for a 7:30 am flight.

So after I got back, I decided to take 500 mcg of melatonin. And it was the best sleep I've had in A REALLY LONG TIME.

So am I going to take this every night now? I don't think so. But I realize that it's there, when I need just a little extra help. And that is ok.

Does this make me less of a yogi? Do practitioners of yoga always need to have it all together? Inner peace, inner strength, inner ____ ? 100% unshakeable calm, 24/7/365?

I think not. I find strength in knowing that I can accept help. Whether it's in the form of prayer, intentions, mantras, meditation, asanas, stress-cooking, or a conversation with a friend. Or a pill, for that matter. Because the truth is, at that moment in time, taking it helped me so that I had enough quality rest to fulfill my obligations, my purpose, at least a portion of my life's work the next day.

And that's a good thing.



*This is not, by any means, medical advice of any sort.*

letting go of negative energy

"Don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides."

This must be one of the best pieces of advice I've received... thanks to this dear friend.

I remember how I felt in my first few yoga classes, when I was in my early 20's...I remember being more critical, more judgmental of myself. (Oh my goodness. I'm realizing this a bit late, but saying "20's" now means saying it in past tense.)

"Why is my forward bend not as good as hers? Why can't I balance as well as she does? Why does her [insert yoga pose here] look so effortless?" And so on.

I think I've become less and less critical of myself over time. I've come to just enjoy how I feel in a particular yoga pose. I savor those moments of being sensitive and perceptive to how I'm feeling, physically and mentally, during a yoga practice. My forward bend may not look like the next person's, but perhaps I'm feeling a better stretch today than yesterday. And if I don't feel great in the stretch today, then I just gently ease into it, and stop when I have to, when I find that "edge." Through the past several years, I've slowly learned to stop focusing on what other people can do and how they look like in a pose. What a great relief it is to feel this way!

But I also remember being critical of myself in other ways, and comparing myself to other people. Why is it that when we're in a really dark place, we hear about someone who just seems to have the best luck in the world? Why does this person have this fantastic life in which nothing seems to go wrong? And then the "I'm-not-good-enough" self-talk sets in. Worse, the jealousy sets in. Ugh. Negative energy. Very toxic.

I now realize that as "perfect" as someone else's life may seem, it's not fair or healthy to compare myself to that image of perfection. Because I only see that person's outsides. And we all want to project our "outsides" as wonderful and great. Even if we sometimes don't feel that way inside. It's like having our photograph taken - we always want to project our best smile to others; we don't have our photo taken while we are sad or angry, do we? So that person, who seems, on the outside, to have such a perfect, amazing, happy life, may very well have some pain on the inside.

It's not that I'm celebrating the fact that the other person may be hurting and that makes me feel better. It's just a relief to let go of that unrealistic perception, that external image of someone else's perfection. It's a relief to realize that there's just no basis for comparison. The only thing we have in common is that we are each going through our own lives the best way we can.

What a relief to let go of all that negative energy that weighs us down.

So I've learned to stop comparing my insides to someone else's outsides. Because we all carve our own path, and each path is unique and special. Because my life, and your life--for all its joy and pain--is no less amazing.

perfection

 

25 degrees Fahrenheit today, light snow, with wind from the North at 1 mph, according to weather.com.

I've been watching the snow from my window tonight, feeling blissful after a kick-butt, feel-the-burn yoga class and a delicious savasana. The snow is different tonight. It's not the relentless kind that guarantees a half hour of digging out your car the next morning, the way we've had it the past few weeks. Tonight it's falling slowly, gracefully. Without any urgency, any rush.... much like how I feel after this yoga class. The snowflakes are larger than usual, almost like little white feathers. I've only experienced snow for the last six years, and until now I can't get over how beautiful and perfect snowflakes are. Especially the kind we have right now. 

As a child growing up in a tropical country, I've always wondered why snowflake designs or snowflake cutouts (you know, the kind they use to decorate storefronts) look the way they are - rays radiating from a center with intricate lines and details. I just dismissed it, thinking someone just thought to draw them that way. 

Then in 2003, during my first winter, I finally understood. During the first snowfall of the season, I bundled up and went outside. Snowflakes landed on my black coat, and I realized that when you look really closely, that's how they look - rays radiating from a center in perfect symmetry. Well, perfect to my naked eye, at least. But I trust in nature, as nature is the perfect design. When I finally saw a real snowflake for what it was, I was brought to tears. It was a profound experience. I suddenly remembered learning about fractals in school - the idea of a complex structure of self-similar patterns. Yes, I know that there is a mathematical something or other that explains it, which I do not have the ability to explain myself. But looking at this perfection... this is not the work of human hands.

It also brings me to think about the fact that there is perfection in all of us. And it's not perfection in an "egotistical" sense. It's not vanity. It's more like being at peace with the self. When we release judgment, we see our goodness and inner light.

That's another thing that I realize through yoga... as I settle into my space, I settle into being. I meet myself where I am, in perfect acceptance. Without needing to be something other than who I am. Without judgment. Towards myself, or others. Realizing that I am right where I need to be. And there's the perfection of that moment. 

Here's a mantra for a heart chakra meditation: "I am safe. I am whole. I am loved." 

Enjoy the sweetness of perfection.

 

Snowflake image courtesy of Free ClipArt at cksinfo.com.