It's been a rough 2 weeks, hence my cyber-absence from the blog. I've been dealing with a lot of uncertainty, and I am completely aware of the fact that I. DO. NOT. deal with uncertainty very well. I completely admit to my control freak self - though I *think* I've gotten better at it, sometimes she still comes back full force. Hence the anxiety. And the emotional rollercoaster.
It's interesting how it's during those times when we need self-care the most when we neglect it the most. I had not been walking as often, had not been practicing yoga as often. Sleeping poorly. I know in my rational mind, that despite my 4 deadlines this week, I need to make time for self-care. Somehow it seems to just slip away all to easily, until finally... the crash. Does this happen to you?
So this morning, I decided to say hello to my yoga mat again. I swept the floors -- to clear the space in a physical sense -- but also symbolically, I think. Clearing the negative energy as best I could.
I practiced a vinyasa flow sequence, which I love. And to my surprise, in this time of weakness, it seemed that I was regaining the strength in my arms and shoulders with every chaturanga. It was a source of strength I had forgotten. I also recognized the feeling of uncertainty in my left leg while doing a warrior and balancing sequence on the left side -- knowing that my left leg is significantly weaker than the right. And I taught myself to be ok with it, to breathe through it, and find strength in the breath. To be ok with weakness, to be ok with uncertainty. To be ok with the fact that there are always two sides to a story. Strength and weakness.
And in my ending meditation, I felt a gentle breeze coming in through the window. As I felt it touch my arms and face, it was the most comforting sensation I have felt in the past few weeks. Because it made me realize that the world doesn't always give us gale winds, it give us gentle breezes too. Two sides to a story. Gale winds and gentle breezes. Force and gentleness. It's true in life. But I realize, that when the strong winds come, that my strength is somewhere inside of me -- it just gets buried sometimes underneath the layers and layers of worry. I just have to breathe through it. And I know that the storms will eventually slow down, and will be followed by the comfort of a gentle breeze.
I gazed at the beautiful blue sky out the window, seeing the leaves starting to turn. The thought that came to mind is "transitions." I silently said a mantra:
I let go of worry.
I let go of control.
I let go of my burdens.
I open my heart to uncertainty.
I open my heart to transitions.
I open my heart to grace and the greater good that is in store for me.
And so I felt peace. Even for just this morning. Yes, the uncertainty is there. But I am teaching and re-teaching myself to accept it. It's a lot of work. But just as I accept my feelings of uncertainty and weakness in my physical yoga practice, I am beginning to accept uncertainty with the knowledge that there is a source of strength inside me. With the knowledge that the storms come and go, but there's always a place of calm after the storm. It's grace at work. And for that, I am grateful.