life lately: kitchen therapy

In between moments of dissertation craziness, I've been de-stressing quite a bit in the kitchen.

Loving the fiery red-orange hues of blood oranges

 Isn't it amazing that in the darkest, grayest time of the year we are gifted with these amazing colors in citrus fruit?

Prepping for blood orange marmalade

I can't get over these jewel-like hues.

Sliced blood oranges go into a large bowl, to soak in water overnight

Our apartment smelled heavenly while the blood oranges were simmering down in sugar and water.

I'm not a cereal kind of gal when it comes to breakfast. Though I'd love to have cake for breakfast every morning, I really enjoy the simplicity of fresh bread, good butter (Kerrygold or Lurpak), and jam or preserves of some kind.

No-Knead (!!!) whole wheat bread recipe from King Arthur Flour. Darjeeling tea steeping in my new(ish) favorite mug.

That is all.

stress relief, two ways

When I'm under stress, there's something incredibly gratifying about making homemade mayonnaise. I don't know what it is - perhaps it's the act of whipping something by hand until my arm feels like it will fall off. But most likely it's about creating simple magic in the kitchen.

It's amazing how you can transform the humble egg yolk with a few other simple ingredients -- salt, a little water, a little lemon juice, and vegetable oil (and some arm muscle) -- into something so luscious and decadent. Even the word for the process to make mayonnaise sounds luscious: emulsion (in general terms, a mixture of ingredients that generally don't mix - like oil and water). Come on, say it to yourself. Doesn't the word "emulsion" sound like something so silky-smooth?

Ok, I know, I'm a bit strange like that. Kitchen chemistry just fascinates me. I actually never liked chemistry, but I bet if I learned chemistry in the context of food, I would have aced that class.

I use Michael Ruhlman's foolproof method and recipe, though I usually go a bit heavier on the lemon juice. And I added some fresh lemon zest for good measure. Occasionally I might add some minced garlic and chopped fresh rosemary -- so good. After making homemade mayonnaise a few times, the store-bought kind just doesn't compare. Since we actually don't use mayonnaise very often, I just don't buy it anymore, but every now and then I crave mayonnaise. I can't wait to slather it on toast with some slices of fresh summer tomatoes.

homemade mayonnaise

But, the problem with making homemade mayonnaise is when one makes it after dinner for no apparent reason, and decides that some roasted baby potatoes would go so well with it, and proceeds to roast said potatoes with some olive oil, salt, and pepper and then dip them in the mayonnaise... after dinner.

Or one can also go to Krav Maga class, which is what I did last night, after work.

I don't know why, but I always feel somewhat nervous walking into the class. I arrived early, and for a while I was the only female there (aside from the receptionist). Thankfully another woman arrived and we talked for a bit before class. The Padded Guy (see the back story on my previous KM update here) saw me and jokingly told the other woman, "Watch out for that girl," [meaning, me] "...she's vicious." Haha!

The other girl and I decided to partner up for the drills. I know it's important to also train with men - who are bigger and stronger - but I'm almost always the smallest one in the room anyway, so man or woman, they tend to be bigger than I am.

But the nervousness goes away. We are all just learning and doing the best we can.

Last night we did "focus mitts" for punching and elbow strikes, as well as kicks, knee strikes, and defense for choking. We also practiced a situation in which you had to do punching practice on focus mitts and then someone comes up to you from behind to simulate a choking situation - in which case you had to defend yourself against not one, but two people.

After all that punching, I realized I needed something like these:

hand wraps, photo from here

...Otherwise, I might come in to work and have people look at my knuckles and wonder what kind of fights I'm getting into. :)

And despite my nervousness coming into class, I always - without a doubt - feel so great afterwards. Tension just seems to dissipate with every punch, strike, and kick.

A yoga class would have been perfect after this, but they weren't offering it on the schedule that day - so I just drove home, took a shower, and laid in savasana for several minutes. Aaaaaahhhhh....

"do it all, do it well"?

"Do it all. Do it well."

I've been struggling with this idea for a while now.

Such is the culture of work. Productivity. Performance.

But something has to give, right?

Can one really do it all and do all of them equally well?

For example: The supermom with 2 kids, a successful, fulfilling career, and time to prepare delicious, healthy meals for the family AND volunteer at her children's school activities AND participate in community life/social life AND take care of herself.

Really? Is this an accurate, realistic picture?

I'm sure there are those who do seem like they can do it all and do all of them well. But when it comes down to it, the question is... does the above person sleep??? Does the above person really take care of herself? Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally? If so, I'd love to know how these people do it. And maybe package it all up in a bottle.

I just had a productive conversation this morning and I was told that I should give myself a range for my performance. If let's say the best performance is a 10, see if I can be ok with a range of 9-10, and if I can be ok with moving in that range. It's not setting myself up for a 10 but only performing at 2 or 3, which is different. But I need to see if I can be comfortable in the range of 9-10 (or maybe 8-10, as was the suggestion...).

Because a range of 9-10 (or whatever I decide my range is) will give me room to breathe.

Hmm. Something to think about.

It's the same in an asana practice, isn't it? We challenge our bodies and minds to try certain poses and achieve that delicious stretch... but the challenge should be just enough that we can still breathe freely and comfortably, stretch safely without harming ourselves,  and have a sense of openness and lightness in our bodies. We give ourselves a range - room to have just enough challenge, but also enough comfort and steadiness in the breath. Same thing.

So I need to set a range for myself. A range that is still forgiving, a range that says, yes my work is good enough. A range that gives me space to breathe.... and space to enjoy the deliciousness of the challenge while still taking care of myself.

And maybe even a chance to sleep soundly at night.

what's your story?

The body holds stories.

The body holds memories. Just as it holds tension. The aches and pains are related to certain experiences, whether it's an injury, a stressful experience, or an important event. Where you feel the tension, tightness, or aches may change, depending on where you are right now. On your story at this moment. Our bodies hold stories, and we have to listen.

I realized, that in addition to my aches and pains in my lower back (from not knowing how to sit properly - thanks to chairs that are almost always oversized for my... ahem... petite stature), hips (from sitting A LOT at the computer for work and school), and shoulders (ditto), I also tend to hold tension in my jaw. Not good.

A little TMI: My dentist, on my last visit a month or so ago, said, "I see you've been grinding your teeth at night." She asked me if I wake up with a sore jaw and/or a headache. Or if I subconsciously tighten my jaw when I'm concentrating or when I'm tense. I told her I never paid attention to that.

(And since I AM concentrating right this second I had to draw attention to my jaw just to make sure it's relaxed.)

Now that I'm trying to be more aware, I realize that yes I do sometimes wake up with a sore jaw and a headache. And yes I tend to tighten my jaw when I'm focusing, or when under stress. The body doesn't lie.

And I have to admit, that for someone who LOVES movement - from years of gymnastics, dance, swimming, yoga, etc... I don't always have the most keen sense of body awareness when I'm not doing any of the above activities.

Which tells me... that I still have so much to learn. About self-awareness. Self-monitoring. Stress management. Easing physical tension as a way to ease mental and emotional tension. 

During a yoga practice, instructors would usually remind people to relax the jaw during savasana. Or any other pose. To relax the forehead and the space between the eyebrows. To relax the facial muscles even while in a challenging pose. To just breathe. It's something I have said myself in classes I have taught before, and it's something that I'm still reminding myself to do outside of an asana practice. To be self-aware in other areas of my life. It is a challenge, given that my story at this moment (and for the next couple of years) is one of intense pressure. Deadlines. Performance. Which makes it all the more important, so I can get through this current stage in my life with some degree of self-care and well-being.

So what's your story? What story are your muscles and bones telling you? Are you a writer with wrist issues? A chef on your feet all day? Does your back beg to be massaged after a day of lifting heavy items? Or does your heart feel heavy after listening to other people and helping them work through their problems?

What story are you holding in your body? Where in your body do you feel blocked? And how do you listen to your body?

revisiting stress management

We're nearing the end of October... which means pretty fall foliage, but it also means mid-semester work, grading, planning, writing, etc etc etc....

So... I'm trying to be proactive and help myself.

Stress management #1:

Legs-up-the-wall pose. There's just nothing like it. I don't think I need to say more...

Reclining bound angle pose, or Supta Baddha Konasana. With lots of supportive props, as pictured here.

Stress management #2:

Read one of my favorite bedside books. This author just has an uncanny way of somehow "speaking" to me, giving me just what I need at any given time.

Stress management #3:

I've been so drawn towards bread baking lately.

There's something about the mixing and kneading and punching and rolling that provides much comfort in a time of stress.... then, after the therapeutic "kitchen bodywork" is done, what happens next is an exercise in patience, waiting for the dough to rise and take its time to develop gluten and all that great stuff that makes for wonderfully crusty, yet light and airy artisan-style bread. Then the act of popping the dough into the oven and waiting for it to continue its transformation, as the scents fill my (small) apartment... then finally, taking it out of the oven, waiting enough time for it to cool -- just enough for me not to burn my fingers...(it's hard to resist the idea of warm, fresh-from-the-oven bread!) then tearing off a piece to dip in some good quality, unfiltered extra virgin olive oil or some homemade herb butter. I can't think of anything better.

So in the last week or so, I've made:
- Indian roti (no-yeast flatbread)
- regular crusty artisan bread
- pizza dough
- garlic and herb foccacia

I'm still thinking of my next bread adventure. I'm under stress again this week anyway, so might as well bake something.

And by the way, most of my baking equipment is still in storage, so I don't have my rolling pin for making pizza dough and roti. So guess what I used in its place: a wine bottle! It worked out fine.

Stress management #4:

Aromatherapy!

I have a small collection of essential oils which I use for a variety of purposes. Tea tree oil and peppermint (mixed with water and regular white vinegar) for general household cleaning, eucalyptus in my vaporizer for congestion, lavender and bergamot mixed with jojoba oil or sweet almond oil for calming, after-bath body oils. Tea tree and lavender for yoga mat spray.

I love this stuff.

It's amazing what essential oils can do - from personal care to household cleaning to insect control. Of course,  I do not use it undiluted, and, if intended for the skin, I always use a carrier oil (a neutral nut or seed oil) as instructed by many books/websites on essential oils. I'm also trying to eliminate as many chemicals as I can, just through small steps. I understand that's not always possible, and if I even try to make it possible, I'll probably drive myself insane. Toxins are everywhere - from commercial personal care to BPA plastics to upholstery etc etc etc... it really CAN drive anyone insane to think about all this. But, if there are things that are within my control, then I'll do something about that.

But most of all, I really just like making things. And keeping my hands busy. It's stress relieving.

So I bought a new batch of sweet almond oil (as a carrier oil) after I recently ran out of my stash... and made pretty little bottles of body oil. Here's what I ended up with:

For a calming lavender mix:
120 ml sweet almond oil with 10 drops lavender essential oil

For a mild, citrusy, fresh-smelling mix:
50 ml sweet almond oil with 5 drops of bergamot essential oil

I think I might make a lavender-vanilla combination next. Mmmm.

What do you do for stress management? Do share --  I can only make so many breads and so many bottles of body oil at a time.

culinary therapy

My thoughts have been all over the place lately. When this happens, the kitchen is the place I come back to. It's both a playground and a sanctuary.

What is it about cooking? Cooking is both my creativity and my stress relief. It's my way of being productive (but also my way of procrastinating!). When nothing else is going well, I can at least make a great dish. When I want to shut out other thoughts, I can clear my head while going through the rhythmic motions associated with cooking - chop, slice, dice, repeat. When I don't feel a sense of order in my life, I can have control and order while cooking, when ingredients, flavors and spices come together in harmony. When I feel unbalanced, I can feel centered while I hover over a pot, watching, stirring, smelling, tasting... and taking deep breaths along the way. When I feel the need to create something, to work with my hands, I cook to bring ingredients together and make a dish come to life. It's what I do to nurture myself and others. Cooking can be a solitary enjoyment, or it can bring people together. It's what I do to celebrate, whether dining solo, or in the company of family and friends.

I came across this ad in a magazine, cut it out, and stuck it on my refrigerator door:

In my kitchen
I preheat a memory
I fold old friends with new
I bake a good laugh.

What a perfect way to describe how I feel about food, the kitchen, and all things culinary.

stress-cooking

It's been almost a month since I've written on this blog. As much as I think writing is therapeutic, I have been stress-cooking for the past few weeks. I made enough to feed an army. The funny thing about it is, there have been many days in which I didn't even feel like eating. But I stress-cooked anyway. I call it culinary therapy. There's something about chopping vegetables, stirring, smelling, and watching ingredients come together. It's like an escape from the many thoughts and worries going through my head, as I do nothing else but slice, dice, and stir... while listening to the calming, rhythmic sound of the knife blade against the bamboo cutting board, smelling herbs and spices come together like magic.

So one weekend I made 3 Indian dishes and 2 batches of Vietnamese yogurt. Oh, and my own hand cream.

Perhaps my "happy homemaker" mood is giving me this grounding feeling which I need so badly in times of uncertainty.