fill a space in a beautiful way (Georgia O'Keeffe)

"Fill a space in a beautiful way." -Georgia O'Keeffe, artist, 1887-1986

 Cleveland Botanical Garden

It's amazing how the words of others can reflect my inner state. I've been feeling the need for art lately - in many different forms. Interior design. Photography. Movement. There's something about surrounding oneself with beauty - not just for the external or superficial qualities but for the thought, spirit, and emotion that goes into art. Art elevates the mundane.

But at the heart of the matter is, how can we as human beings fill our "spaces" (whatever that may be - home, work, communities) in a beautiful way? Again, not with a superficial kind of beauty--but inner grace, compassion, and action that makes some kind of positive impact, that elevates the mundane for another person. An intention, a word, an act that reminds another person that "yes, the world is a beautiful place."

balance and nourishment

I've started to feel overwhelmed lately.

I sat down and listed my to-do's for the next 6 months and the rest of the year and I almost went into a semi-panic, looking at my list of at least 5 big projects, all of which have to do with my academic life.

So I got up and made some soup.

(Recipe to follow later... it was REALLY good, by the way).

But such is my defense mechanism. Cooking and creating soothe my nerves, and provide me with some grounding and centering. An opportunity to breathe.

Then I went back to work.

Before I go on, I have a feeling that this will be a long blog post. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately... mostly on my professional/academic life. It must be because I've been working on my academic portfolio for the past several days. But anyway...

In thinking about my defense mechanism/stress relief (a.k.a. my compulsive, I-have-to-do-it-now stress-cooking sprees), I went back to thinking about my word for this year. In my journal, I wrote that the word I want to encapsulate 2011 to be BALANCE/BALANCED. Last year (2010) was about COURAGE and INSPIRATION, to tackle the many challenges ahead. 2009 was about TAKING ACTION, because it was a year of opportunity, decision-making, and transitions. I do like thinking of my big words for the year.

But I was led to think about how I want to achieve BALANCE: a BALANCED state of mind, body, and soul.

Why BALANCE? I started thinking about how I love balancing poses.

Tree pose, New Hampshire, Summer 2006

photo by Dad

Tree pose, Maryland, Fall 2008

photo by Minnie

I do love balancing poses. I don't mean that I never fall out of them -- I do, just depending on the day -- but I still love them. Maybe it's my dominant vata dosha in my personality in need of grounding, or my childhood gymnastics aspirations. I love all the elements that make up a balancing pose like tree or half-moon, or my favorite, dancer pose.

Dancer pose, Cincinnati, Summer 2006

photo by Jen

Dancer pose, Cleveland, Winter 2010

 

The centering of focus, the attention to the breath, the feeling of strength and stillness coming from deep in your core. The feeling of integration: integration of breath, mind, and body, the integration of subtle movement and peaceful stillness. The integration of process/effort and form/outcome, no matter what the outcome is -- whether it's gracefully achieving the pose you sought out to do, or modifying it, or falling out of it...gracefully, or not. It's all ok.

In my senior year of college, my best friend of 20+ years wrote these words to describe me: "a pillar of quiet strength." Words I hold very dearly. When I feel good in an asana practice, when I feel in tune with my body and mind, that is how it feels: Quiet strength.

So how do I take these lessons of balance and integration into my life?

To do that, I didn't set out to make a list of new year's resolutions in the manner of writing "things" to do. I didn't want to make a list of to-do's, only to abandon them by February. I find that I'm constantly reflecting, planning, and re-evaluating my choices throughout the year anyway. So instead, I wrote first about the things that throw me off balance:

• Poor sleeping habits
• Not enough vegetables
• Not enough movement, or too much
• Not enough sunshine and fresh air
• Not enough creativity
• Not enough quiet time
• Not enough community...and by that I don't necessarily mean always being part of an organized, structured group... but to me it could mean an enjoyable conversation with one person, a few persons, or several
• Not enough chocolate (I know, I know.... *wink*)

Ironically, in this day and age of gadgets and gizmos and technology in all shapes, sizes, and forms, all the things that I need for balance are really just basic things. Well, almost, depending on how you classify chocolate. :)

So how do I address those things that throw me off balance? Instead of writing a list of WHAT to do, I wrote about the HOW. How I'm going to do things, and how I'm not going to do things.

I came up with this list:

• To do, not overdo.
• To strive for excellence, not perfection.
• To nourish and be nourished.

The words NOURISH and BE NOURISHED leaped out of the page. I suddenly remembered that the words "Nourish your life" were on my vision board which I created in 2008.

It's funny how words come back. It must mean something.

I reflected on the words some more, thinking about how they are, or can be at work in my life. Nourish your life. Nourish. Be nourished.

So it's no secret that I love, love, LOVE to cook...

 (Joy in the kitchen... bad hair day and all :) My brother took this surprise photo of me while I was preparing food for my 28th birthday dinner.)

And I love, love, LOVE to eat...

(Cutting into my flourless chocolate cake (thanks to this friend) on my 28th birthday, which was in... gulp... 2007. This was an evening of pure joy.)

...because cooking nourishes others, as it does myself. I love it when I make a great dish, unplanned, out of random ingredients I have in the pantry and refrigerator. I love it when I revise others' recipes and make it to my own liking. I love the ease in cooking, the slowness of it. The simplicity, or complexity of a dish, to suit your mood. The creativity of improvisation. The act of waiting, the element of anticipation and surprise. The combination of artfulness and precision of technique (ok, so I felt like an impostor saying that, not being professionally trained...) that results in a pretty baked treat. The memories attached to certain kinds of food. Yes, I fully attest to being an emotional eater... and I will assert that being an emotional eater -- in the way I described above -- is not necessarily a bad thing. I've said over and over again how being in the kitchen is therapy for me. And I love sharing this joyful experience by sharing a meal with a friend, or a few, or a big group... or gifting someone with homemade treats.

But more than that, I'm thinking of nourishment beyond the physical sense. Thinking about how I can nourish and be nourished in my academic life, my work life, my personal life. I think that is how I can achieve balance and be balanced.

And I realize....

To nourish someone else's learning, I need to nourish my own. I was trained as an early childhood educator, and in my years of teaching I have always felt the need to find ways to re-energize myself, to refill my cup, so to speak, so that I can face the next day and give my renewed energy. I've always found teaching not just physically or mentally challenging, but emotionally challenging as well... especially when working with special populations of children and families. I learned, though experience, that I need to prevent myself from being emotionally burned out so that I can still be effective as a teacher. Now, I am no longer working with children directly, but I am teaching adults. Being new to the world of college teaching, I am constantly second-guessing myself. Did I do enough? Did I communicate effectively? Did I model the same level of preparedness and professionalism as I expect from students? Did I evaluate students' work fairly? Did I support students' learning? Was I flexible enough to respond to students' needs, while still remaining consistent in my expectations? Did I share at least one thing that will make an impact on their professional lives? And most importantly: Did I honor each student's self-esteem and personhood?

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, as I usually am. It's still a work in progress. I understand that this is a growing process. Instead, I am finding ways to nourish my own learning and growth. Whether it's doing research on effective teaching practices (yes... nerdy, I know... but such is the life in academia), or reflecting on my teaching. Whether it's talking to a peer going through the same experiences, or seeking mentoring from someone more experienced than I. I realize that all these are sources of nourishment.

To nourish someone else's spirit, I need to nourish my own. To exercise love and compassion toward others, I need to practice those same qualities towards myself. That means...

• To do, not overdo (yes, I said it again... I think I need to constantly repeat these words to myself. Stubborn me.).
• To work hard, and rest well
• To set high standards for myself, while being gentle and forgiving towards mistakes
• To learn from mistakes, and also reward myself for a job well done
• To set my own standards based on what I value as important, meaningful, and nourishing to myself and others. This is, and will be, a big challenge... because I am at a phase in my professional life in which it's all about meeting external standards and satisfying other people's expectations to get through. It is a PhD program, after all. I obviously need to think about this one some more...
• To immerse myself 100% in the process, but practice acceptance and non-attachment toward the results. In yogic/Sanskrit terminology, non-attachment is "vairagya". Oooh... that will be another challenge. I will have to remember the lessons from my asana practice of balancing poses: focused practice in the process, but acceptance and non-attachment towards the outcome.
• To be generous of my time and my gifts, while allowing myself time and opportunities to give "gifts" to myself. Not material gifts, but time for activities like writing/journaling/reflecting, time for movement and meditation, and time for art and creativity.

So, the big words for 2011: BALANCE and NOURISHMENT. Let's see how this year unfolds...

new year, new adventure, newfound courage

So this is a somewhat delayed New Year blog post... but I had been busy over the New Year weekend. I went down to Cincinnati and helped my good friend and her husband pack their apartment to move to New York City. Of course, I was tasked with packing up the kitchen. ;-)

What a timely way to move - what better than to have a fresh start, a new beginning, at the start of the new year?

My friend joked to me, "Why is it that at least one of us is always in boxes?"

 my move in 2006

It's true. Most of her belongings will be going to a storage unit temporarily as she will be staying with an aunt in the city before they find a place. Going from a spacious 3-bedroom unit in a mid-size Midwestern city to an apartment in Manhattan is no joke.

Similarly, since November of last year, many of my belongings have also been in storage (thanks to my brother's large basement) while I am living the student life again.

I wonder if this is a sign that we'll never really get settled too long in any one place. Granted, this friend of mine has been moving and traveling pretty much all her life. I stayed in one place in my home country for most of my life, but traveled after I "came of age" at 24 when I first moved here for graduate school in 2003.

As much as I long to lay down roots and feel settled in a place and in a community, the call of adventure and opportunity is always there. It knocks, it beckons, it shakes me to my core until all I can hear in my gut is, "JUST GO."

It's the call of a dream -- a dream that tugs at your heart and soul, wanting to be fulfilled. It's the call of your inner voice, wanting something more, knowing that you are capable of surprising yourself. It's the call of a secret passion, whatever that may be, wanting to come alive. It doesn't matter if the dream comes to fruition overnight (which it almost never does) or if the dream unfolds slowly -- but we are called to take action, bit by bit, no matter how small... as a sculptor slowly works on a stone or piece of wood, chipping away at it until it finally becomes a work of art. And the art here is not just in the product, but in the process -- as it is in life.

It's an invitation to be courageous.

And how interesting that the root word of courage is from the Latin "cor"/"cour", which means "heart" (hence "coeur" = "heart" in French). In a TED talk by Brene Brown, she defines courage in this sense as "to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." It's the courage to be passionate, vulnerable, and imperfect... even when life is scary.

"bleeding hearts" flowers, Asheville NC, 2009

Another friend of mine shared this excerpt with me a few years ago, and I thought now is a good time to share it.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman, writer and artist

And my New Year wish for you and me is: May you find courage to wholeheartedly live out your story.

yoga thought for the day: post-holiday reflecting

After the frenzy of the holiday rush and traveling, I am happy to get settled back into my routine. I loved my short-but-sweet visit with my family in the East Coast, seeing my nephews and niece, and spending a fun, relaxing weekend with (some of) my loved ones. Perhaps someday, my whole big family -- now living far apart -- can spend Christmas together. 

I'm thankful that we did not get caught in the recent East Coast blizzard, and that we were able to fly back here in the nick of time.

The day after Christmas, I tend to enjoy my quiet moments. Moments in which I can look back and reflect on the year.

I came across this quote in an article:

"Behind every inner block, every painful feeling, every surge of resentment, is a bit of life force waiting to be freed." - Sally Kempton

What a great thought to ponder on as we prepare to usher in the new year.  What are the inner blocks I am holding? What resentments do I have that I want to let go of and not carry with me into the new year? How can I let go of these to free up some of that "life force", so that I can put in more energy towards the people and things I love and value, the things that lead me to my highest, most authentic self?

breath and spirit

Words from one of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver:
"Are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?"

Words I've been thinking about this week. And in my mom's usual intuitive way, she sends me this in an email:

The words "spirit", "Spiritual", Spirituality' come from the Latin word "spirare": to breathe.   
We breathe in, drawing in oxygen which gives life; without it we would quickly die; it is our first food. But we cannot breathe in forever; we must breathe out too; we must give away what that has been given to us. There we have an image of the spiritual life: breathing in and breathing out.  Everything we receive is a gift, free as the air.  Everything we have, we have to give away, a gift, free as the air we breathe.

Breathe in:  we need to go to the deepest center and find God/Spirit/Universal Energy there.

Breathe out:  we need to go out to the whole world, find God/Spirit/Universal Energy and bring Him/Her there.

Wow. Quite powerful words. It's making me think about how I breathe life into my days. Which is a tough question considering how I have been living my days this week. So my mother's email was quite timely, as it gave more insight into what I've been mulling over recently.

These words are also resonating with me right now:

work as love
work as art
work as harmony with the pulse of the earth

- Pamela Slim

I've always considered my work to be a form of spirituality. In my previous job, it wasn't hard to make that connection - especially when working directly with young children and families in the human services field. This time, being a full-time student/graduate assistant/college instructor, I work mostly alone, or with a few colleagues, or with adult students in graduate classes. I've been thinking about how I am making my current work a spiritual practice. What kind of energy am I putting in? How am I breathing life and spirit into my work? But also, how am I nourishing myself so that I can keep giving my energy?

This week was especially challenging, as it has been very solitary. I spent hours and hours on end on my computer, and just relatively minimal chunks of time talking to a colleague to discuss our project over Skype. Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time. I like opportunities to be in my head or in my heart as I walk, cook, practice yoga or meditation, take photographs, or write. But I also crave conversation and community. I welcome opportunities to connect on a deeper level with like-minded people. To connect as an I and a Thou, as the philosopher Martin Buber wrote.

But my current lifestyle can be very... isolating. Which makes it difficult to find that sense of spirituality and connection. Part of the reason connecting with others is so nourishing is that it's a cycle of giving and receiving. Not of material things, but of energy. This week, I felt Mary Oliver's words so strongly. I have been "breathing just a little".

No wonder I felt so out of balance. But I have to remember, that there's a reason it's called a spiritual practice. It's not going to be perfect. It's not going to be great every day. Life itself is a spiritual practice.

I've been reflecting on this word as well:

"spirited"

It's a word that I love. I love how it sounds. I love the feeling it evokes. It's strange, I know - how I tend to love words for the way they sound and for the feelings attached to them. Much how I like the word "spring" for the way it sounds, and its associations with everything fresh and new and reborn.

But back to "spirited". The online dictionary defines it as:

"having or showing mettle, courage, vigor, or liveliness, etc.: a spirited defense of poetry."

(thanks, dictionary.com)

I think this definition is somewhat limiting though. Because what happens when your courage wanes? When you feel a decline in your energy or a loss of liveliness? What if you don't feel like bubbling over with joy or "bursting with fruit flavor"? (my favorite line from that old movie, Reality Bites)

I think being "spirited" is much more than that. It's that sense of conviction, that place of stillness, that quiet wellspring of energy deep in your gut, from which to draw strength to propel yourself forward. Even when your energy wanes, even when you don't think you can go any further. Even after you've felt like you've been giving and giving of yourself.

It's faith. In someone, in something, whoever or whatever that may be to you.

The question is, how do you call upon it? Especially in the often-hurried pace of work life?

How do you breathe life into your days? What makes you feel spirited?

"do it all, do it well"?

"Do it all. Do it well."

I've been struggling with this idea for a while now.

Such is the culture of work. Productivity. Performance.

But something has to give, right?

Can one really do it all and do all of them equally well?

For example: The supermom with 2 kids, a successful, fulfilling career, and time to prepare delicious, healthy meals for the family AND volunteer at her children's school activities AND participate in community life/social life AND take care of herself.

Really? Is this an accurate, realistic picture?

I'm sure there are those who do seem like they can do it all and do all of them well. But when it comes down to it, the question is... does the above person sleep??? Does the above person really take care of herself? Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally? If so, I'd love to know how these people do it. And maybe package it all up in a bottle.

I just had a productive conversation this morning and I was told that I should give myself a range for my performance. If let's say the best performance is a 10, see if I can be ok with a range of 9-10, and if I can be ok with moving in that range. It's not setting myself up for a 10 but only performing at 2 or 3, which is different. But I need to see if I can be comfortable in the range of 9-10 (or maybe 8-10, as was the suggestion...).

Because a range of 9-10 (or whatever I decide my range is) will give me room to breathe.

Hmm. Something to think about.

It's the same in an asana practice, isn't it? We challenge our bodies and minds to try certain poses and achieve that delicious stretch... but the challenge should be just enough that we can still breathe freely and comfortably, stretch safely without harming ourselves,  and have a sense of openness and lightness in our bodies. We give ourselves a range - room to have just enough challenge, but also enough comfort and steadiness in the breath. Same thing.

So I need to set a range for myself. A range that is still forgiving, a range that says, yes my work is good enough. A range that gives me space to breathe.... and space to enjoy the deliciousness of the challenge while still taking care of myself.

And maybe even a chance to sleep soundly at night.

CAN and WILL

"That we can is probably our most fundamental, most important, and most enduring dimension; that we will is simply logical." 
- Donald Baer, Montrose Wolf, and Todd Risley (1987), behavior research scientists

As you may have noticed, I love quoting others' words of wisdom and inspiration. This was the final statement in a recent behavior research article that I read for one of my classes. How interesting to find such views about life in my academic reading. CAN and WILL. I like that.

Last week I was working on a project that sent my anxiety and frustrations through the roof. Things were just not working too well for me and I was up against a deadline. I was so frustrated that I felt like breaking dishes. Yes, you read that right... how un-yogic, isn't it?

(But I do love my small collection of dishes, so no, I didn't break any. And I promise that I am not a violent person. Ok, maybe a little... specifically when some great dessert is involved. Especially when it's dessert at this place.)

Interestingly I heard this story about a professor that has a collection of cheap/old dishes for the purpose of breaking them to release frustration. This professor supposedly even has a place in the yard with a concrete slab against which to break dishes. As the story goes, the professor invites people (i.e., doctoral students?) over to break dishes and relieve stress. Urban legend? Who knows.

I'm not a person that gets angry easily. There are things that are small enough that I "don't sweat it." But there are times when the stakes are high, and that notion of doing all you can and then letting go of perfection doesn't quite cut it. Especially when the expectation is quality, accuracy, and excellence. The expectation is to keep pushing and pushing yourself. Just when you think you've reached the boundaries of your thought process, you are pushed so that you keep expanding it. Which I understand (I think)... we are pushed to great challenges and then to overcome them, and as a result we gain some insight and a new nugget of wisdom.

So something happened last week, and it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. What made me even more anxious, was that I know very well that this is NOT the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my academic life. Far from it.

But I had gotten so worked up by that project, that last weekend, I couldn't even sleep... even after my project was done. I tossed and turned until maybe 2 in the morning. So I practiced some restorative yoga poses, including a gentle inversion (legs up against a wall), did some deep breathing... and finally, what got me to settle down and go to sleep was to silently recite a "mantra" -- I am enough.

I am stumped by a question... how to reconcile the high expectations of academia and the need to be kind and forgiving towards myself? In academia, it's almost never enough. It's only enough when you get those 3 letters behind your name and the three stripes on your graduation gown. But in my inner life, there is a sense that yes, I am enough. Not am I good enough or loving enough or smart enough... just... enough, because I am who I am. You are enough because you are who you are, and there is no one else like you.

Interestingly, last weekend someone called me to apologize about something, and I let it slide SO easily.... and I realized that I'm much more forgiving of other people's "mistakes", but I am so harsh on myself when it has to do with my work and my performance.

So this week I am taking steps to help myself. For now, these are the things I CAN and WILL do to help me find some balance. In my academic world I started organizing my life, and my time, even more (or maybe I had not done that well enough to begin with). I am trying out a new yoga class/studio this weekend which I hope aligns more with my sense of spirituality, so that hopefully I can take more lessons for me to use off the mat. With the hopes that lessons from both worlds -- the world of academia and my "inner life" -- collide, and that these lessons somehow reconcile and play well in the sandbox.

Speaking of sandboxes...

 (My nephew* at the Children's Museum, Cincinnati, Ohio)

* I love watching kids play and explore. I took my nephews to a museum once and they saw this HUGE indoor sandbox and their eyes probably got as big as saucers as they ran to the play area. You feel the great sense of optimism, possibility, and discovery. Lessons to learn....

Do you experience any feelings of a "tug-of-war" between the expectations of your work life and those of your inner life? How do you reconcile both?

questions to think about

As I wrote in previous posts, I have been revisiting my journal from last year. I came across this list of questions that I reflected on when I was going through some major decision making. I wish I can tell you the original source, but unfortunately I did not cite the source when I haphazardly jotted down the questions.

Anyway...

• How does this desire fit in with my greater priorities?
• Is it beneficial to other people as well as to myself?
• Will following this desire hurt me or others?
• What will I have to give up if I follow this desire?
• Does it take me closer to my higher Self, or will it create more barriers between my soul and myself?
• What will I have to give up if I don't follow it?
• What do I really want by getting what I want?

I thought these were great questions for thinking through decisions and transitions. (I left the Excel spreadsheet of pros and cons to my dad whose mind works well through numbers.)

How about you? What helps you make decisions? 

more thoughts on passion

I am reminded yet again, of how the lines between the so-called "categories" of life become blurry. In an earlier post I wrote about seeking passion - in yoga and in other areas of life.

Work is definitely one area in which there must be passion. Sure, there will always be moments of frustration, or moments of doubt, when the challenges are great. But at the end of the day, there must be passion. This is what gets us up in the morning.

I am fortunate that I have found something to be passionate about early on, and have since worked in the field of early childhood intervention. Years ago, in my first year of teaching, I learned a very valuable lesson from a child and family I worked with, about the inclusion of a child with a disability. That child, that family, and that particular experience was my first teacher. I am humbled to this day, and I owe them much gratitude for teaching me an important life lesson and inspiring me to become a better teacher... and more importantly, to teach with compassion and passion.

I recently had an opportunity to listen to Ann Turnbull, a well-respected professor, researcher, and national expert in the field of special education, through a "webinar" for educators and families. She herself is a parent of an individual with a disability, and she spoke about her son, who passed away last year at the age of 40. He developed a passion for music in early childhood, and this passion for music continued on throughout his adult years. This was her message to the audience of educators and families:

"What passions are you facilitating in the children that you teach, so that they can use this passion as a way to connect with others, to feel self-esteem... as a way to contribute, as a way to truly have a quality of life?" 

Wow. That is a great challenge. It is a challenge that inspires: how do we take action from here?

She went on to say:

"Make room for genuine relationships."

And the most important lesson: "We are not just in the education business, or the rehabilitation business. We are in the dignity business."

These are important lessons, not just for the work we do to practice inclusion in classrooms, but beyond that. In yoga, we talk about yoga "off the mat" - we talk about how we "live" our yoga. Along the same lines, how do we "live" inclusion beyond the classroom? How do we truly include people of varying abilities in our lives, in our communities, so that they have dignity and quality of life?

So why am I writing about this?

Because I think that yoga - which by definition, is union - is also about inclusion. I am not separate from you, or you, or you. Which is why, at the end of a yoga practice, an instructor typically says, "Namaste." The word is derived from the Sanskrit namas, which means "I bow," and te, which means "to you," - "I bow to you." An extended translation is "The light in me honors the light in you" or "The divine in me honors the divine in you." Such beautiful, profound words - but made even more beautiful when it carries over to other parts of our lives: to our relationships, to our work, and everything else. Because what good is my spiritual practice, if it is not truly practiced?

So I am prompted, especially, to think about how I should try to live by these words in my work: to always remember that people are differently-abled, not disabled. To keep in mind that we are not separate, and that by disregarding your dignity I also disregard mine. To never forget to hope... and to be a source of hope. To not just teach with passion, but to elicit and foster passion in others, so that they can live out their passions. Because the purpose of education goes beyond the 4 walls of a classroom.

Because we should all be in the "dignity business."

And so I say to all those children and families who have taught me the most important life lessons, and reminded me everyday about dignity: Namaste. I bow to you. The light in me honors the light in you.

To Gabe and his mother, Mrs. K: Thank you for what you've taught me through your compassion and gentleness.

"every living soul is an artist"

I saw this during a visit this afternoon at this delightful, local bookshop in Cleveland. Great thoughts, aren't they?

How do you live your art? 

P.S. Sorry the photo isn't that great - it was taken with an iPhone and not a regular camera!

courage and inspiration

I've gotten into a habit of "naming" each year. 2009 was about TAKING ACTION. I have decided to name 2010 COURAGE and INSPIRATION. Courage, for the path ahead, and all its unknowns. Inspiration to keep going.

I've stepped outside my familiar, comfortable place -- professionally and emotionally. But it's all good. Really good. No regrets. But courage is still needed.

I realized that all my major decisions - of wanting change, of wanting more - have been guided by a need to be inspired. And I write about wanting "more" not in terms of things, but in terms of becoming.

I want to be able to inspire as well, however that may be. But I can only inspire another if I am inspired myself.

I've been revisiting this book lately - a translation of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. She writes about the sutras, or "threads" of yoga philosophy in such a thoughtful, yet accessible way. She makes it real.

Here are some of her translations of the yoga sutras:

Slow, peaceful exhalations can be used to restore and preserve balance.
Or engage the focus on an inspiring object.
Or cultivate devotion to the supreme, ever-blissful Light within.
Or dedicate yourself to anything that elevates and embraces your heart. 


- Nischala Joy Devi, The Secret Power of Yoga

I do think that our life's work is exactly that - dedicating ourselves to that which elevates and embraces our hearts.

What inspires me?
What elevates and embraces my heart?

In my "work" world:
- Solutions
- Committed teachers and professionals
- Better outcomes for children and families

In my "yoga and wellness" world:
- Balance
- A healthy body
- A clear, steady mind
- A compassionate heart
- A peaceful spirit

In my "photography/art" world:
- Visual images that can uplift and silence me

In my "food" world:
- Creativity: creating something from nothing (well, not really "nothing"... you always start with a foundation of good, fresh ingredients. But you know what I mean.)
- The need to nurture

I've decided that I can't let go of these other pieces. I just need to keep seeking out sources of inspiration, wherever that may be. Seeing the resiliency of a child. Reading a great article about an issue in my profession. Talking about solutions. Being in movement. Finding strength and focus in a deep belly breath. Tasting an explosion of flavors. Finding beauty in random, everyday moments. Nurturing love and friendship.

I know what inspires me. So the next question in my "life's work" is - how do I take these sources of inspiration and inspire the next person?

life's work

Gypsy Dancer
Cincinnati, OH, 2006

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."
- Buddha

This led me to think: Which one of these will it be?

- Early childhood intervention/special education
- Yoga & wellness
- Photography
- Food

I feel like each one of these is a little "world" in itself.  Each is a piece of a larger puzzle, and if one is missing, the puzzle won't be complete. But the question is -

Can I do all of them, and how do I do them equally well, without compromising one or the other? Or is there a conflict of interest going on here?

I'd like to hear from you: how do you balance it all? How do you put all the pieces of your life's work together?

more on connection

“Each of us comes to care about everyone else’s children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people’s children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else’s child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else’s child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people’s children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter—it is also right!”

- Lilian G. Katz, Professor Emerita of Early Childhood Education, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

One of my classmates in grad school talks about the "impostor syndrome" -- referring to the feeling of an overwhelmed first-year doctoral student; a "syndrome" characterized by thoughts of: "How long before they figure out that I'm not that smart after all..?" or "I'm not supposed to be here..." Or, my favorite one: "They mistakenly placed my application in the "in" stack and not the "out" stack...."

I go back and forth through periods of self-doubt, moments of clarity, and everywhere in between.

But at the end of the day, I am reminded again about why I do what I do... and how my life's work can reflect my own personal spirituality.

I strongly believe in the fact that we are all connected in some way. Our thoughts and actions have a pay-it-forward effect, whether positive or negative, intentional or unintentional. Will the decisions I make when this child is 2 years old have an effect when he is 10, 18, 21 years old? How will his actions at 21 affect those around him?

I know I've made many mistakes and I've experienced how it is to fall short of my goal of meeting a child's needs. But I've also learned from each child. I've learned from each family, and I stand in awe of these parents who commit and persevere to ensure that their child receives the support and education she or he needs... to move one step closer to their long-term vision and dream of their child one day contributing to society. In reality, however, these children already are.

I've heard educators say, "You are only given one chance to educate a child." And yet, I am given many, many chances to learn from each one I meet.

Childhood happens in a blink of an eye... my hope is to make every moment count. To "make room for the miracle of a child." (Beth Kephart, A Slant of Sun)

photo: my wonderful nephews, baking cookies

let love be your guide

It's Sunday again, which means that the dreaded Monday is just a few hours away. Sunday is my designated study day, as I try/attempt/struggle to complete my class requirements and get ready for the week ahead. As you can tell, I'm just in the "attempting" mode, as I'm currently taking a break and obviously, blogging.

Being in my first year of a graduate program, I often find myself see-sawing from one extreme state to another. Some days I think, "What the heck did I get myself into?" and on other days, I can say with conviction that "this is where I'm supposed to be." It all depends....

And then I go back to a quote I scribbled on a Post-It note, which I have conveniently placed in my work area at home:

"Let love be your guide. When you love what you do, the means to do it will be revealed to you." -- Sharon Gannon & David Life, Jivamukti Yoga

I am reminded that yes, this IS where I'm supposed to be. I firmly believe in working with children and families, and I LOVE it. I love the fact that I wake up in the morning and I don't dread going to work. I love the fact that I look forward to seeing the children in my program move beyond their comfort zones to take their first wobbly step, say their first word, or learn to take turns with a peer.

I firmly believe in the fact that change starts with myself, and that if I want to influence changes in the system I have to make changes in myself... and for now that change means going back to school, doing research and the big D (dissertation), and hopefully, hopefully, getting published.

I love what I do. And I firmly believe that the means to do it will be revealed to me....

(as long as I keep reading the research, writing, writing, and writing some more.)

And I don't HAVE to dread Mondays.