praying for clarity

Big day today... I'm finally defending my dissertation proposal! This was 2 years in the making...when I went through all those hiccups (and emotions) last year, I actually considered quitting. But I'm still here. Still going. So as nerve-wracking as today is, I'm actually quite relieved to be at this stage.

If all goes well, I can officially start my research and maaaaybe get done next year. Collect data this summer, analyze data in the fall, write up my last chapters in the spring, defend and be done. But if there's anything I've learned in this PhD program, it's never such a clear-cut process. If anyone has had a really straightforward experience from point A to point B, I'd love to know that secret.

In the meantime, I need some peace and calm. I get all nervous and jumpy about these things.

If only I can simply transport myself to the ocean, sink my toes in the sand, feel weightless in the water...

But since I can't do that, I'll post a picture instead.

Boracay, Philippines | December 2012

Despite having grown up in the tropics, the clarity of this water never fails to amaze me.

I'm praying for this same clarity right now... and reminding myself that I am absolutely privileged to be in this place. That I can pursue an education and the causes that are important to me, and find solutions to problems in ways that will positively impact issues I care about. I know people sometimes resist this notion of privilege for fear of appearing "high and mighty" or "more-than". On one hand, I think it's because there are those in positions of privilege that use power in the wrong ways or feel automatically entitled to certain things.

On the other hand, I think it's important for me to keep in mind that what I do now, where I am now... while certainly not privileged by way of material wealth or fancy titles (um, I call myself a doctoral slave if that gives you any idea!) - still puts me in a position of being able to change things. To make things better. Even in little ways. And that is a privilege.

One of my mentors said, "teaching is a privilege." It truly is. And so is this. So it's only right that I put forth quality work and strive to be the very best version of myself.

A. always gives me the best pep talks before "big days" like this one. A few minutes ago he said:

"We have a saying in India, 'No one can stop a rising sun.' YOU are a rising sun."

He's amazing like that. I am so incredibly thankful.

And for even more inspiration...

Image via Pinterest

 P.S. If the last few blog posts were any indication, I've been addicted to "pinning" inspirational words on Pinterest lately...

student for life

So I'm supposed to be on spring break this week. But only in theory. It feels like I haven't stopped working... and I'm exhausted.

Finally had a quick break and thought I'd stop in here...

I'm often asked what I want to do after I graduate. It's funny because as wonderful as finishing (finally) would be, life outside of school can be scary. Every new degree takes you further into your career, and life after a PhD sounds... intimidating. I'm not quite sure yet what I'll do. I know what I don't want to do, but I'm certainly getting ideas as to what I would enjoy doing given the opportunities I have now to try my hand at certain things, like consulting.

All that said... if I had a choice I would really want to keep on learning. I want to be a student in some way for life. I know that sounds weird, but perhaps it's my desire for kaizen, as in my manifesto here.

I started making a list of all the (other) things I want to learn...

1. How to speak Hindi conversationally. Meaning not just the words for food so I can order a meal in Hindi in India or at an Indian restaurant (which I can do). Apparently I mistakenly impressed my mother-in-law when we first talked on the phone years ago and I rattled off the Hindi words for Indian dishes. Except I couldn't really carry on a real conversation as I may have led her to believe! I'm hoping that being bilingual already (Filipino and English) and having learned other languages somewhat (French and Spanish, in college) offers an advantage - at least in terms of language-learning readiness -  but there are just some Hindi sounds that are difficult for me because I did not grow up hearing or being exposed to those sound combinations. It's so true how they say babies are "citizens of the world" and their brains are ready to learn any language, but all that changes as they get older and especially in adulthood. But never say never!

2. Photography. I still haven't taken any formal classes, and I do want to learn the technical aspect of taking pictures. I did download some tutorials and e-books and such, but I'm embarrassed to say I haven't really dug into them yet. I'm still neck-deep (or maybe over my head is more accurate) in educational research, for my day job(s).

3. Krav Maga or some other self-defense training. I love NCIS and think Ziva David kicks ass with her Krav Maga moves. I even named my car Ziva. :) Just like reverse parking skills (which I'm proud to say I've been doing almost for as long as I've been driving), I think every woman should know how to defend herself in some way. Krav Maga is designed for practical, real-world self-defense, unlike other martial arts. I just can't believe it's taken me this long to gather my guts and do it. There's a training center about a half hour from where I live, and they have classes on Saturday mornings. There goes my lazy Saturday mornings (or crazy-baking mornings), but I think it will be so worth it. 

4.  Total Immersion swimming. I remember putting this on my list years ago, when I still lived in Cincinnati and discovered there was a TI instructor in Cleveland! And now I'm living here, and I still haven't gotten into it. I love swimming - it's like meditation in motion for me, but I'm sad to say it has been on the back burner as well. But this friend has really inspired me to get back into the water.

5. Other random things, like calligraphy. I know -  I sound like I'm all over the place, but really I want to learn this too. As much as I love the digital age, the old-fashioned ways appeal to me as well.

It's funny how I list all these and yet feel so exhausted with my main job(s) that I don't know when I'll get to these "other" stuff. But, a girl can dream. And work. One thing at a time.

image via Pinterest

recovering

I don't know about you, but somehow it's taking me longer than usual to bounce back after a weekend of traveling.

I recall how, a few years ago, I traveled from Cincinnati --> New Jersey --> Columbus --> Kent --> Cincinnati --> Asheville --> Cincinnati in maybe... um, a week and a half. It felt like the Amazing Race. I'm sure other people travel way more than I do (how they do it is beyond me), but to me that was a lot. And yet, back then, I recovered quickly and was at work the very next day back. Somehow it's not happening for me now anymore, even after just traveling for one weekend to Cincinnati and Lexington. I was sleepy all day. I was so tired I skipped yoga class (not a class that I teach, but attend). My Monday night yoga class is not withing walking distance, and I felt like I was in a daze. Which meant I should NOT be driving, even for yoga.

Yesterday I tried to spend some time away from the Internet and mobile devices in the hopes of gaining some clarity on some thoughts I've been having. I'm not quite there yet... it really takes a lot of practice and focus to be able to sit quietly with yourself.

Meanwhile, my mind is spinning. There are so many things I want to write about.

Barefoot Works yoga studio, Lexington, KY. A happy, light-filled place.

An amazing yoga workshop last weekend in Sharon's lovely yoga treehouse. Learning how to teach yoga in ways that are supportive and therapeutic for each person's individual anatomy. Observing students with curiosity and compassion.

Getting out of my head (and all the doubting talk) and back in my body through yoga.

Sensations of floating unsupported to feeling fully supported and grounded, physically and energetically. Amazed at how the body just knows what is true.

And how yoga brings me back to that truth. Something I'm re-learning after my yoga plateau phase a few years ago. (Contrary to popular belief that people who practice yoga are always so zen and blissed-out. But maybe I'm the exception to the norm.)

And other random things like thinking about this article that poses a question on the effects of our Internet use and another article on sacred space.

Great times being reunited with my old friends EB, ML, and this couple, and talking until 4:30 in the morning with this friend - about food and art and friendship and finding our voice as women in society. Pretty heavy stuff. Really good stuff. (Thanks, AS.)

Sunset views from EB's rooftop and an evening walk in a tree-lined street. 

Sky over Lexington

Cracking the code of awesome Ethiopian food. I know. It isn't really a code. But that's how I feel about my cooking moments of triumph. :) Will write more on that soon.

And the thought that has taken up much of my brain energy and taken over my emotions lately: how my realization that the kitchen is where I am fearless actually has me feeling... afraid. Afraid that I'm not doing the right thing in my life right now. Even the thought of finally putting that in words right here is scary. Because I'm scared that maybe this is my truth. Scared that I've invested so much in something else when I have been skirting around my truth all these years. And at the same time not quite being 100% sure what is my truth - because isn't there a reason that things happen? A reason that opportunities knock? And isn't graduate school the reason I came here in the first place?

Scared to give up when I'm actually pretty close to the finish. And yet also fearful because those last few miles in a marathon are the hardest (not that I've ever run one and would want to run one, but you know what I mean). Wondering whether I should keep plowing through knowing that this happens to everyone... right? ABD ("all but dissertation") folks out there?

Scared because of that old voice from my childhood/adolescence, that I'm not as good a "finisher" as I am a "starter". And how that's showing up as patterns in my life, as hard as that is to admit. Hmmm... another symptom of vata imbalance? But despite that, I've done and completed many other things I've set out to do.

Scared about the truth in A.'s observation and insight about me, when I had a little (?) meltdown last week. That it may not be the situation that is my true enemy, but my way of thinking. And worrying.

Scared about whether I can be at peace with my decision, whatever it is.

Ok, so that was more than what I intended to disclose today. I know it probably sounds a little cryptic. But I had to write it for me.

Over and out.

when i need a pep talk

 

What a week.

Been feeling frustrated with my work lately - call it academic writer's block. I can't seem to get unstuck in my writing and editing (or lack thereof).

This song - Defying Gravity - was just what I needed to hear; and performed by no less than Lea Salonga, our national singing treasure (the original Kim in Cameron Macintosh's West End/Broadway musical, Miss Saigon - go Philippines!). Watch the video, and be prepared to get goosebumps.

I remember watching the musical Wicked in Cincinnati some years ago, and crying when this song was sung (ok, ok, I know... a lot of things make me cry, including TV commercials). And it wasn't even Lea singing then. Yes, we refer to her on a first-name basis in the Philippines.

Lea's version here is amazing -- and I love how, despite all her international acclaim from a sweep of so many theater awards for her performance in Miss Saigon -- she is still so Filipino - note how she makes the sign of the cross before singing! As our comedian Rex Navarete says, that is "hella Pinoy"!!!

It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

How's that for motivation?

Oh, and I read that she was actually pregnant while singing this? I can't imagine how someone can breathe for herself AND another little being growing inside AND sing like this.

Now where's that green "defy gravity" shirt? Maybe I should wear it while writing my dissertation...at this point, I'll take anything with even the most remote possibility of helping!

My future is unlimited...

be your own best friend

I had a recent conversation with a colleague, a former preschool teacher turned doctoral student. Needless to say, both of us are currently in high stress, in an environment where excellence is the bare minimum. I would guess many of you have been or are in this kind of situation, no matter your profession. My colleague and I talked about how, through our work with young children, we tend to behave in compassionate, flexible, and forgiving ways toward the children, understanding that each child can have a rough day. On the other hand, we tend to be overly critical of ourselves... when in truth, we are also allowed to have bad days. 

One day, in the course of my food blog-surfing, I chanced upon this blog and read this:

"My old therapist says that we should believe in ourselves just as much. She says that if we had a friend who doubted us as much as we, at times, doubt ourselves, we wouldn’t even speak to that person. And she’s right. Who wants to be friends with someone who undermines and second-guesses her?" (Olga Massov, Sassy Radish)

A moment of serendipity. What a great reminder, and an answer to my question in this recent post about making more positive choices. The question was: Do my thoughts reflect compassion, or perpetuate harm?

I then thought of how I've often harmed myself through my own overly critical thoughts, when I turned on my Doubting Thomas mode... when really, I should be my own best friend.

my nieces, age 3 (photo taken by my brother)

In times of stress, crisis, or great challenge, what would your best friend say to you? And could you say those positive things to yourself?

Disturb us, O Lord

Disturb us, O Lord

when we are too well-pleased with ourselves
when our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little, because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, O Lord

when with the abundance of things we possess,
we have lost our thirst for the water of life
when, having fallen in love with time,
we have ceased to dream of eternity
and in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of Heaven to grow dim.

Stir us, O Lord

to dare more boldly, to venture into wider seas
where storms show Thy mastery,
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.

In the name of Him who pushed back the horizons of our hopes
and invited the brave to follow.
Push us into the future
with strength, courage, hope, and love.

Amen.

Written by Sir Francis Drake, 16th century explorer

This prayer, shared with me by a dear friend years ago, always resonated with me... and even more so today as I continue to think about the presence of Spirit in all aspects of my life - work, play, relationships, art.

dreaming up my ideal life

I've been in a strange mood lately.

This might be one of those "neither here nor there" posts but I just need to put onto (cyber)paper some thoughts/emotions that have been circling in my head. Writing is a thinking tool, after all.

I know I get into these phases every now and then, when I question what I am doing. I can't help but shake the fact that I am not living my ideal life. I have a refrigerator magnet that reads: "Now is the time to live your ideal life." It's made me think about my ideal life and whether what I am doing now will get me there. It's a scary thought, considering how much I've invested into this PhD program. I thought this was what I truly wanted. Wasn't I just thinking about how restless I was in my previous situation 2 years ago when I was deciding to quit my job and go back to grad school?

I've heard other people in the same situation (in a doctorate degree program) that almost everyone has wanted to quit at some point. No one ever said it was going to be easy. I knew that coming in to this. So why am I questioning it so much?

Am I fickle, flighty, indecisive? Or is it that every decision I make brings me closer to realizing what I truly want?

What do I truly want? I want a more sustainable lifestyle. And no, I'm not just talking about sustainable in the sense of being conscious about the earth's resources (although that is part of it). I want a sustainable lifestyle in the sense that I can truly bring to life my gifts, carry out my purpose with energy and passion, and sustain a sense of balance in body, mind, and spirit so that I can give more to others - whether that is my family, or my community. A non-sustainable lifestyle, in my opinion, is one in which I would get so completely burned out that I would lose motivation, inspiration, and/or energy to give back to others.

I just went on the website of the Chronicle of Higher Education, which lists open positions in higher education. Every time I check the website, I get scared and intimidated. Because I don't see where I truly fit in. At the same time, I don't see myself in a full-time faculty position in a big research university. Sometimes I think that kind of position is like being in the doctoral program all over again - except it's with higher pay but maybe 10x the stress. And am I not continuing my education to have a better quality of life and to be able to contribute something (or many "things") to someone (or to many), somehow?

Anyway. I recently was asked by a colleague to present to a graduate class on the topic of infant-toddler development and early intervention services for young children and families. I covered early brain development, early caregiver-child relationships, social-emotional development and the impact of early experiences on later school readiness. I also talked about services for young children with disabilities and families. I was so energized! I loved talking about these topics and I felt like I could talk more - especially since the class was engaged and interested. I loved doing this.

But I also love doing other things. Many other things. Which is probably evident in this blog because I talk about so many different things. Sometimes I feel as though they conflict with my work, as these other interests take time as well. I often feel I am being pulled in so many different directions. Must be the Gemini in me, I don't know. I am constantly trying to strike a balance between all my interests. Sometimes I think I would be just as content being a "happy homemaker" and pursuing my creative outlets. As scary as that is for me to admit. But I don't want to give up my work either. Because it does energize me and challenge me. And when I feel energized by my work, as in the example above, it reaffirms for me that I am where I need to be. But the work does take its toll. I can't tell you how many times I've had a meltdown due to stress. And I have realized, as written in a previous post, that I sometimes feel that I live in this almost constant state of stress that I have conditioned myself to feel the stress even before the stressor is actually there. As hard as that is for me to admit as well, being a yogini and all. But I can't live like that, in this almost constant state of alarm - either experiencing the stress or bracing myself for the next big storm. Because I am not good to myself and to others in that situation.

I read somewhere, that if you want a better answer, ask a better question.

So perhaps the question is not where do I fit in, but how can I create my own ideal life? Perhaps the question is not how I can do all of these things so that they are not in conflict with each other, but how can I forge my own unique path which will allow me to do all these things in a balanced way?

So. In dreaming up my ideal life, I listed down the things that are important to me. I am a listmaker, after all.

I would love a life in which I can:

- be the best person I can be to my family and those around me -- live in health in mind, body, and spirit so that I can live generously with my time and energy
- work to improve the quality of life: to work as a means to an end, not an end in itself
- provide independent consulting to early care and education agencies in infant-toddler services/ early intervention
- train future early childhood professionals, whether at the preservice or inservice level. I love working with practicum students (preservice). I also have discovered how energized I felt after presenting to professionals at state and national conferences (inservice).
- pursue my other interests - cooking, baking, photography, yoga - in a way that is balanced and sustainable (understanding that these interests take time and may cost $)

My big deadline looms closer (in 2 days). Another rite of passage. And after having crying about it for a while, I am trying to reset my thinking to see it not so much as an obstacle or hurdle but as a place for uncovering my potential and a step closer to being able to create my own unique path.

In the meantime, maybe I should practice writing those three letters "Ph.D" next to my name... ;-) It won't be for another year or so, but hey I could use all the motivation I can get.

This photo was taken by my brother Carlo on a trip to California. Here I am looking over the vineyards of Sonoma Valley. I don't usually like photos of myself - my comfort zone is behind the camera, after all - but in this one I look like I'm dreaming of my ideal life.

patterns

I've recently noticed that I get into certain patterns.

Patterns of favoring some yoga poses over others, especially in a home practice (e.g. revolved triangle... ugh.). Patterns of standing or sitting a certain way because it's something my body has gotten used to, even if I know it is not the ideal alignment. Patterns of not sleeping well.

And, there's also my usual pattern of initial avoidance when I have to tackle a big school/work-related project. Like now.

I just realized how many times I've seen this happen, and it's only now that I've put two and two together. When I have to work on a big project, I usually get extremely overwhelmed in the beginning, and my first response is to go on a crazy, compulsive cooking spree and cook/bake like a maniac. Not because we have to feed a dozen guests or anything. Just... because. Because it's my way of feeling productive as I procrastinate. Because it's a way of creating something when I don't quite feel ready to create yet, as far as the real project is concerned.

So in the past day and a half, I've made...

- homemade veggie burgers: Everything from scratch! (I'm also working on developing a recipe - more on that later)
- homemade ricotta cheese: Because I wanted to make a peach crumble out of the bowl of peaches I got recently, and I wanted to have honey-vanilla ricotta on the side. I know, my food brain thinks in a weird way. In all different directions.

... so as you would expect, I also made
- peach crumble (baked peaches with a crunchy oat topping)
- zucchini bread: also to enjoy with ricotta on the side... this time with minced dates mixed into the ricotta - doesn't that sound delicious?)
- no-knead bread: to enjoy savory herb ricotta on crostini - as a change from sweet ricotta

(Oh, and this is not counting "regular" cooking for dinner)

And after all that, I didn't even eat a whole lot. They were all really good though!

There's just something about this process that I go through before working on a project/deadline. As odd as it sounds. In past crazy cooking episodes, towards the end of cooking I have had to call my friend/colleague/neighbor, saying, "I need an intervention!" - at which time we would both set small tasks and deadlines for ourselves (by "small" meaning something that can be accomplished in a couple of hours) which we would then report back to each other for accountability. For someone like me who works from home most of the time, this has been really helpful. And then I go over to her house to deliver a baked treat or a sampling of a dish, because in all reality, A and I can't eat it all.

But I digress. Going back to the concept of patterns...

I wonder if this is a healthy pattern for me. Time is of the essence when working towards a deadline, and sometimes I berate myself for using up all that precious time to do non-essential things in the kitchen. But the thing is, whenever I do this (going through cooking/baking compulsions before the work at hand), I find that I can approach my work more grounded, centered, and more focused, as opposed to thinking in all different directions. Sure, maybe it takes me a day or two to get there. But today I feel more ready to work. So am I excusing myself? Or taking care of myself? I don't know. Meanwhile, today I am hanging up my apron...

What patterns do you notice in your life? Are they healthy or not?

conditioned stress?

For the past few days, I've been experiencing mysterious stomachaches and headaches. I've been thinking about anything I'm doing that may be different or out of the ordinary... well, other than the fact that we just moved to a new apartment recently, everything else has been the same. Same kind of food. Same exercise. Sleep - well, that is another story.

And then I realized, I had been putting myself under premature stress in anticipation of my written comprehensives (a major rite of passage in my academic program) which officially began yesterday.

So I thought: why do I do this to myself? I put myself under undue stress over something that was not even happening yet. It's almost as if I had been conditioned to be under constant stress such that even when the stressor is not actually present (yet), I am already bracing myself for the upcoming event. Even my left eyelid is already throbbing from time to time (just like when I was under stress in May from working on a big project). And then I thought to myself - my eyes feel strained already??? And I haven't even started on the major computer work yet! The truth is, I am making myself feel sick.

Now this is a hard truth for me to admit to myself (and even more so here on this blog). For someone who is aspiring for balance, I really should have learned this lesson a long time ago!

But the good news is... if these physical symptoms of stress are really rooted in our mental state, then we can learn to control it. Now this is not breakthrough information; just something I'm constantly trying to learn.

So today I'm breaking down my project into manageable tasks and creating timelines for myself. Organizing my physical workspace to allow a better workflow, with necessary files and books within easy access. Just having moved, things are not perfectly organized yet, but it's getting there.

I'm also adding some inspirational, non-work "things" on my work desk. Such as the collage I made at a retreat a few years ago.

And on the other side of my office is my yoga sanctuary, my sacred space. A corner of the room just right for my yoga mat, my yoga books, and other props. A physical reminder to take a deep breath, do some asanas, sit quietly, or go into savasana whenever needed.

But at the root of it is not just the organization of the physical space (although it helps!), is really controlling the mind. As in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, yoga chitta vritti nirodha = "yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind." So, we practice yoga in order to achieve a stillness and clarity of mind.

I don't think I can ever take away stress from my life. In some ways, there are healthy levels of stress - or at least when stress is managed in a healthy way. Which is what I'm learning. So that instead of feeling conditioned by stress, I can then condition myself to address it and respond to it in a positive, productive manner.

But it's also learning to give myself credit. After I completed that big project in May, at the end of it I really had to remind myself not to say, "I think I did a pretty good job..." - which is what I'm more inclined to think, in a second-guessing, hard-on-myself type of way... but instead, "Heck I did a damn good job!" Hey, we all need affirmations, right?

And so begins my project for the next four weeks... and throughout this time, my goal is not just to complete the project, but to complete it with a greater degree of mental and emotional well-being intact.

organized chaos

So... in thinking about this idea of "chaos" (in previous post), I suddenly remembered what a classroom-full of young children is like when they are all engaged and engrossed in an activity.

Organized chaos.

As contradictory as that may sound, that is what it's like! Sure, the room may look messy, but they are playing... and for a young child, play is their work and their work is play. I remember how our play kitchen area or pretend grocery area looks when children are actively involved in purposeful, self-directed, and collaborative play. It's amazing - and as chaotic as it may seem to an outsider, there is a sense of organization to it. You have children taking on roles and behaving accordingly. You have children taking turns, children using language appropriately to communicate. Sure, conflicts arise here and there, but such is the reality of life.

Organized chaos. So.... what lessons can we learn from this scenario to manage the chaos in our lives?

A dear friend of mine told me about the concept of "big rocks". Visualize a jar. The "big rocks" are your biggest priorities right now. Place your big rocks in the jar first. Then, smaller rocks go into the remaining spaces in the jar. That way, you can organize your time to deal with your big rocks - your big priorities first, and then the smaller priorities later. (Thanks, Kim!)

I know that sometimes I tend to procrastinate and do other, less high-priority things first, because I don't want to face my fears -- the big, "scary" priority. But then in the end, it becomes a disservice to me, because despite how "productive" I thought I felt doing less high-priority things, the big priority goes into emergency mode.

Another lesson I really loved (and which I have yet to fully master) is Stephen Covey's time management matrix in his book "First Things First". Those "things" are divided into four categories:

• Urgent and Important
• Not Urgent and  Important
• Urgent and Not Important
• Not Urgent and Not Important

This is best represented in a quadrant; as shown here. According to Covey, our time should be spent mostly on the Not Urgent and Important category. For example, if we spent enough time planning and preparing for a project, then it doesn't go into emergency mode, or the "Urgent and Important". Granted, some projects tend to go into this category especially during crunch time... but I would agree that we would limit emergency mode if we spent enough time in the planning and preparation phase. The Not Urgent and Not Important category refers to the time-wasters and need to be avoided - or limited as much as possible.

I then took a good honest look at my "things" and filled in my own quadrant. To be brutally honest, here's what it looks like:

But I will say that my activities under "Urgent and Not Important" can be managed to go under "Not Urgent and Important" - meaning I would manage it in such a way that I would not completely avoid it (because I would argue that it's a creative outlet), but instead I would "save it for later" instead of acting on a compulsion to cook when I have a more pressing demand at the time (which tends to happen a lot when I don't want to face my big scary project).

How about the "Not Urgent and Not Important"? How can I avoid or limit this? Well, certainly junk mail and junk e-mail can be avoided or managed (try to opt-out as much as possible) Do I have to completely give up watching a cooking show on the Food Network, for example? But what if I can multi-task (do a load of laundry, or maybe a little exercise) while I'm watching Barefoot Contessa?

Ok, time to organize my chaos now...

chaos

I've finally resurfaced from a reclusive writing period. At the end of May - after weeks of seemingly endless computer work, I turned in over 200 pages worth of writing. It is such a relief to finally have that behind me (now if only that writing project was my dissertation... then I would be close to being done with my degree. But no...). As stressful as it was, I welcomed the challenge. I didn't quite welcome the stress (and its associated neck and shoulder pain, achy wrists and back, throbbing eyelids, etc) with open arms, though. But I have to say that at the end of the project, I felt pretty proud of myself!

As much as I enjoy (and need) writing in a leisurely manner, like on this blog, somehow I just didn't feel like there was any more space in my brain. So leisure writing and journalling certainly took a backseat. Instead I churned out pages of research and other academic "stuff". It was definitely a process... of saying "yes" to the challenge, from starting from a blank page to one page, two pages, several... seeing the process of how it slowly took shape. I found myself reaching towards yoga in the process - especially the principles of practice and non-attachment. I knew, that if I were to take on this endeavor, I had to detach myself from the very high stakes involved, from the result, and instead just commit myself to writing. Because high stakes = pressure. Interestingly, I'm not sure how "acceptable" this concept of non-attachment is in the workplace and in a product/outcome-oriented world. When I mentioned this to my superior -- about how I would just write and let go of the outcome (in different words) -- I think she misunderstood me and thought that I was not going to give my 100%. But I did - 100% and then some. Because I was so overwhelmed by this project in the beginning, I just had to detach myself from thinking about the result in order to just take that step forward and do it. Hmm. Makes me think about how I should maybe keep some thoughts to myself and out of the work environment.

Now that the project is done, the question that has been on my mind is, what if the thing/activity/work that you love is also a stressor?

I read an article somewhere (wish I could remember the source) in which the author wrote about how sometimes we unconsciously seek more drama (stress, chaos, deadlines, etc...) in our lives, and behave in such a way that we end up having more of that. Could this be true? Do I really seek more stress in my life, and if I do, why?

That line of thinking portrays chaos as something negative... and then I remembered that I have a magnet that reads: "One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star." (Nietzsche)

I love that. I think it explains this state of being. Chaos (i.e., challenge, stress, etc) will always be there. Even if it comes from something (or someone) you love. I'm not a parent, but I would guess that parenting is like that - yes, it's stressful, but it involves someone you love so dearly. It involves someone that matters so much. And in my world, my work matters to me. I love what I do, stressful as it is. So it's how we deal with it - it's what we do with that chaos. Because it's the chaos that pushes us to evolve, to adapt, to create...if, within that chaos, we can come to a place of stillness and focus. If we can gather all that chaotic energy and somehow transform it - to "give birth to a dancing star." (or in my world, 250 pages of work)

Perhaps chaos isn't a bad thing after all. How do you transform the chaos in your life?

balance and nourishment

I've started to feel overwhelmed lately.

I sat down and listed my to-do's for the next 6 months and the rest of the year and I almost went into a semi-panic, looking at my list of at least 5 big projects, all of which have to do with my academic life.

So I got up and made some soup.

(Recipe to follow later... it was REALLY good, by the way).

But such is my defense mechanism. Cooking and creating soothe my nerves, and provide me with some grounding and centering. An opportunity to breathe.

Then I went back to work.

Before I go on, I have a feeling that this will be a long blog post. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately... mostly on my professional/academic life. It must be because I've been working on my academic portfolio for the past several days. But anyway...

In thinking about my defense mechanism/stress relief (a.k.a. my compulsive, I-have-to-do-it-now stress-cooking sprees), I went back to thinking about my word for this year. In my journal, I wrote that the word I want to encapsulate 2011 to be BALANCE/BALANCED. Last year (2010) was about COURAGE and INSPIRATION, to tackle the many challenges ahead. 2009 was about TAKING ACTION, because it was a year of opportunity, decision-making, and transitions. I do like thinking of my big words for the year.

But I was led to think about how I want to achieve BALANCE: a BALANCED state of mind, body, and soul.

Why BALANCE? I started thinking about how I love balancing poses.

Tree pose, New Hampshire, Summer 2006

photo by Dad

Tree pose, Maryland, Fall 2008

photo by Minnie

I do love balancing poses. I don't mean that I never fall out of them -- I do, just depending on the day -- but I still love them. Maybe it's my dominant vata dosha in my personality in need of grounding, or my childhood gymnastics aspirations. I love all the elements that make up a balancing pose like tree or half-moon, or my favorite, dancer pose.

Dancer pose, Cincinnati, Summer 2006

photo by Jen

Dancer pose, Cleveland, Winter 2010

 

The centering of focus, the attention to the breath, the feeling of strength and stillness coming from deep in your core. The feeling of integration: integration of breath, mind, and body, the integration of subtle movement and peaceful stillness. The integration of process/effort and form/outcome, no matter what the outcome is -- whether it's gracefully achieving the pose you sought out to do, or modifying it, or falling out of it...gracefully, or not. It's all ok.

In my senior year of college, my best friend of 20+ years wrote these words to describe me: "a pillar of quiet strength." Words I hold very dearly. When I feel good in an asana practice, when I feel in tune with my body and mind, that is how it feels: Quiet strength.

So how do I take these lessons of balance and integration into my life?

To do that, I didn't set out to make a list of new year's resolutions in the manner of writing "things" to do. I didn't want to make a list of to-do's, only to abandon them by February. I find that I'm constantly reflecting, planning, and re-evaluating my choices throughout the year anyway. So instead, I wrote first about the things that throw me off balance:

• Poor sleeping habits
• Not enough vegetables
• Not enough movement, or too much
• Not enough sunshine and fresh air
• Not enough creativity
• Not enough quiet time
• Not enough community...and by that I don't necessarily mean always being part of an organized, structured group... but to me it could mean an enjoyable conversation with one person, a few persons, or several
• Not enough chocolate (I know, I know.... *wink*)

Ironically, in this day and age of gadgets and gizmos and technology in all shapes, sizes, and forms, all the things that I need for balance are really just basic things. Well, almost, depending on how you classify chocolate. :)

So how do I address those things that throw me off balance? Instead of writing a list of WHAT to do, I wrote about the HOW. How I'm going to do things, and how I'm not going to do things.

I came up with this list:

• To do, not overdo.
• To strive for excellence, not perfection.
• To nourish and be nourished.

The words NOURISH and BE NOURISHED leaped out of the page. I suddenly remembered that the words "Nourish your life" were on my vision board which I created in 2008.

It's funny how words come back. It must mean something.

I reflected on the words some more, thinking about how they are, or can be at work in my life. Nourish your life. Nourish. Be nourished.

So it's no secret that I love, love, LOVE to cook...

 (Joy in the kitchen... bad hair day and all :) My brother took this surprise photo of me while I was preparing food for my 28th birthday dinner.)

And I love, love, LOVE to eat...

(Cutting into my flourless chocolate cake (thanks to this friend) on my 28th birthday, which was in... gulp... 2007. This was an evening of pure joy.)

...because cooking nourishes others, as it does myself. I love it when I make a great dish, unplanned, out of random ingredients I have in the pantry and refrigerator. I love it when I revise others' recipes and make it to my own liking. I love the ease in cooking, the slowness of it. The simplicity, or complexity of a dish, to suit your mood. The creativity of improvisation. The act of waiting, the element of anticipation and surprise. The combination of artfulness and precision of technique (ok, so I felt like an impostor saying that, not being professionally trained...) that results in a pretty baked treat. The memories attached to certain kinds of food. Yes, I fully attest to being an emotional eater... and I will assert that being an emotional eater -- in the way I described above -- is not necessarily a bad thing. I've said over and over again how being in the kitchen is therapy for me. And I love sharing this joyful experience by sharing a meal with a friend, or a few, or a big group... or gifting someone with homemade treats.

But more than that, I'm thinking of nourishment beyond the physical sense. Thinking about how I can nourish and be nourished in my academic life, my work life, my personal life. I think that is how I can achieve balance and be balanced.

And I realize....

To nourish someone else's learning, I need to nourish my own. I was trained as an early childhood educator, and in my years of teaching I have always felt the need to find ways to re-energize myself, to refill my cup, so to speak, so that I can face the next day and give my renewed energy. I've always found teaching not just physically or mentally challenging, but emotionally challenging as well... especially when working with special populations of children and families. I learned, though experience, that I need to prevent myself from being emotionally burned out so that I can still be effective as a teacher. Now, I am no longer working with children directly, but I am teaching adults. Being new to the world of college teaching, I am constantly second-guessing myself. Did I do enough? Did I communicate effectively? Did I model the same level of preparedness and professionalism as I expect from students? Did I evaluate students' work fairly? Did I support students' learning? Was I flexible enough to respond to students' needs, while still remaining consistent in my expectations? Did I share at least one thing that will make an impact on their professional lives? And most importantly: Did I honor each student's self-esteem and personhood?

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, as I usually am. It's still a work in progress. I understand that this is a growing process. Instead, I am finding ways to nourish my own learning and growth. Whether it's doing research on effective teaching practices (yes... nerdy, I know... but such is the life in academia), or reflecting on my teaching. Whether it's talking to a peer going through the same experiences, or seeking mentoring from someone more experienced than I. I realize that all these are sources of nourishment.

To nourish someone else's spirit, I need to nourish my own. To exercise love and compassion toward others, I need to practice those same qualities towards myself. That means...

• To do, not overdo (yes, I said it again... I think I need to constantly repeat these words to myself. Stubborn me.).
• To work hard, and rest well
• To set high standards for myself, while being gentle and forgiving towards mistakes
• To learn from mistakes, and also reward myself for a job well done
• To set my own standards based on what I value as important, meaningful, and nourishing to myself and others. This is, and will be, a big challenge... because I am at a phase in my professional life in which it's all about meeting external standards and satisfying other people's expectations to get through. It is a PhD program, after all. I obviously need to think about this one some more...
• To immerse myself 100% in the process, but practice acceptance and non-attachment toward the results. In yogic/Sanskrit terminology, non-attachment is "vairagya". Oooh... that will be another challenge. I will have to remember the lessons from my asana practice of balancing poses: focused practice in the process, but acceptance and non-attachment towards the outcome.
• To be generous of my time and my gifts, while allowing myself time and opportunities to give "gifts" to myself. Not material gifts, but time for activities like writing/journaling/reflecting, time for movement and meditation, and time for art and creativity.

So, the big words for 2011: BALANCE and NOURISHMENT. Let's see how this year unfolds...

new year, new adventure, newfound courage

So this is a somewhat delayed New Year blog post... but I had been busy over the New Year weekend. I went down to Cincinnati and helped my good friend and her husband pack their apartment to move to New York City. Of course, I was tasked with packing up the kitchen. ;-)

What a timely way to move - what better than to have a fresh start, a new beginning, at the start of the new year?

My friend joked to me, "Why is it that at least one of us is always in boxes?"

 my move in 2006

It's true. Most of her belongings will be going to a storage unit temporarily as she will be staying with an aunt in the city before they find a place. Going from a spacious 3-bedroom unit in a mid-size Midwestern city to an apartment in Manhattan is no joke.

Similarly, since November of last year, many of my belongings have also been in storage (thanks to my brother's large basement) while I am living the student life again.

I wonder if this is a sign that we'll never really get settled too long in any one place. Granted, this friend of mine has been moving and traveling pretty much all her life. I stayed in one place in my home country for most of my life, but traveled after I "came of age" at 24 when I first moved here for graduate school in 2003.

As much as I long to lay down roots and feel settled in a place and in a community, the call of adventure and opportunity is always there. It knocks, it beckons, it shakes me to my core until all I can hear in my gut is, "JUST GO."

It's the call of a dream -- a dream that tugs at your heart and soul, wanting to be fulfilled. It's the call of your inner voice, wanting something more, knowing that you are capable of surprising yourself. It's the call of a secret passion, whatever that may be, wanting to come alive. It doesn't matter if the dream comes to fruition overnight (which it almost never does) or if the dream unfolds slowly -- but we are called to take action, bit by bit, no matter how small... as a sculptor slowly works on a stone or piece of wood, chipping away at it until it finally becomes a work of art. And the art here is not just in the product, but in the process -- as it is in life.

It's an invitation to be courageous.

And how interesting that the root word of courage is from the Latin "cor"/"cour", which means "heart" (hence "coeur" = "heart" in French). In a TED talk by Brene Brown, she defines courage in this sense as "to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." It's the courage to be passionate, vulnerable, and imperfect... even when life is scary.

"bleeding hearts" flowers, Asheville NC, 2009

Another friend of mine shared this excerpt with me a few years ago, and I thought now is a good time to share it.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman, writer and artist

And my New Year wish for you and me is: May you find courage to wholeheartedly live out your story.

"do it all, do it well"?

"Do it all. Do it well."

I've been struggling with this idea for a while now.

Such is the culture of work. Productivity. Performance.

But something has to give, right?

Can one really do it all and do all of them equally well?

For example: The supermom with 2 kids, a successful, fulfilling career, and time to prepare delicious, healthy meals for the family AND volunteer at her children's school activities AND participate in community life/social life AND take care of herself.

Really? Is this an accurate, realistic picture?

I'm sure there are those who do seem like they can do it all and do all of them well. But when it comes down to it, the question is... does the above person sleep??? Does the above person really take care of herself? Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally? If so, I'd love to know how these people do it. And maybe package it all up in a bottle.

I just had a productive conversation this morning and I was told that I should give myself a range for my performance. If let's say the best performance is a 10, see if I can be ok with a range of 9-10, and if I can be ok with moving in that range. It's not setting myself up for a 10 but only performing at 2 or 3, which is different. But I need to see if I can be comfortable in the range of 9-10 (or maybe 8-10, as was the suggestion...).

Because a range of 9-10 (or whatever I decide my range is) will give me room to breathe.

Hmm. Something to think about.

It's the same in an asana practice, isn't it? We challenge our bodies and minds to try certain poses and achieve that delicious stretch... but the challenge should be just enough that we can still breathe freely and comfortably, stretch safely without harming ourselves,  and have a sense of openness and lightness in our bodies. We give ourselves a range - room to have just enough challenge, but also enough comfort and steadiness in the breath. Same thing.

So I need to set a range for myself. A range that is still forgiving, a range that says, yes my work is good enough. A range that gives me space to breathe.... and space to enjoy the deliciousness of the challenge while still taking care of myself.

And maybe even a chance to sleep soundly at night.

revisiting stress management

We're nearing the end of October... which means pretty fall foliage, but it also means mid-semester work, grading, planning, writing, etc etc etc....

So... I'm trying to be proactive and help myself.

Stress management #1:

Legs-up-the-wall pose. There's just nothing like it. I don't think I need to say more...

Reclining bound angle pose, or Supta Baddha Konasana. With lots of supportive props, as pictured here.

Stress management #2:

Read one of my favorite bedside books. This author just has an uncanny way of somehow "speaking" to me, giving me just what I need at any given time.

Stress management #3:

I've been so drawn towards bread baking lately.

There's something about the mixing and kneading and punching and rolling that provides much comfort in a time of stress.... then, after the therapeutic "kitchen bodywork" is done, what happens next is an exercise in patience, waiting for the dough to rise and take its time to develop gluten and all that great stuff that makes for wonderfully crusty, yet light and airy artisan-style bread. Then the act of popping the dough into the oven and waiting for it to continue its transformation, as the scents fill my (small) apartment... then finally, taking it out of the oven, waiting enough time for it to cool -- just enough for me not to burn my fingers...(it's hard to resist the idea of warm, fresh-from-the-oven bread!) then tearing off a piece to dip in some good quality, unfiltered extra virgin olive oil or some homemade herb butter. I can't think of anything better.

So in the last week or so, I've made:
- Indian roti (no-yeast flatbread)
- regular crusty artisan bread
- pizza dough
- garlic and herb foccacia

I'm still thinking of my next bread adventure. I'm under stress again this week anyway, so might as well bake something.

And by the way, most of my baking equipment is still in storage, so I don't have my rolling pin for making pizza dough and roti. So guess what I used in its place: a wine bottle! It worked out fine.

Stress management #4:

Aromatherapy!

I have a small collection of essential oils which I use for a variety of purposes. Tea tree oil and peppermint (mixed with water and regular white vinegar) for general household cleaning, eucalyptus in my vaporizer for congestion, lavender and bergamot mixed with jojoba oil or sweet almond oil for calming, after-bath body oils. Tea tree and lavender for yoga mat spray.

I love this stuff.

It's amazing what essential oils can do - from personal care to household cleaning to insect control. Of course,  I do not use it undiluted, and, if intended for the skin, I always use a carrier oil (a neutral nut or seed oil) as instructed by many books/websites on essential oils. I'm also trying to eliminate as many chemicals as I can, just through small steps. I understand that's not always possible, and if I even try to make it possible, I'll probably drive myself insane. Toxins are everywhere - from commercial personal care to BPA plastics to upholstery etc etc etc... it really CAN drive anyone insane to think about all this. But, if there are things that are within my control, then I'll do something about that.

But most of all, I really just like making things. And keeping my hands busy. It's stress relieving.

So I bought a new batch of sweet almond oil (as a carrier oil) after I recently ran out of my stash... and made pretty little bottles of body oil. Here's what I ended up with:

For a calming lavender mix:
120 ml sweet almond oil with 10 drops lavender essential oil

For a mild, citrusy, fresh-smelling mix:
50 ml sweet almond oil with 5 drops of bergamot essential oil

I think I might make a lavender-vanilla combination next. Mmmm.

What do you do for stress management? Do share --  I can only make so many breads and so many bottles of body oil at a time.

reflections from the mat

It's been a rough 2 weeks, hence my cyber-absence from the blog. I've been dealing with a lot of uncertainty, and I am completely aware of the fact that I. DO. NOT. deal with uncertainty very well. I completely admit to my control freak self - though I *think* I've gotten better at it, sometimes she still comes back full force. Hence the anxiety. And the emotional rollercoaster.

It's interesting how it's during those times when we need self-care the most when we neglect it the most. I had not been walking as often, had not been practicing yoga as often. Sleeping poorly. I know in my rational mind, that despite my 4 deadlines this week, I need to make time for self-care. Somehow it seems to just slip away all to easily, until finally... the crash. Does this happen to you?

So this morning, I decided to say hello to my yoga mat again. I swept the floors -- to clear the space in a physical sense -- but also symbolically, I think. Clearing the negative energy as best I could.

I practiced a vinyasa flow sequence, which I love. And to my surprise, in this time of weakness, it seemed that I was regaining the strength in my arms and shoulders with every chaturanga. It was a source of strength I had forgotten. I also recognized the feeling of uncertainty in my left leg while doing a warrior and balancing sequence on the left side -- knowing that my left leg is significantly weaker than the right. And I taught myself to be ok with it, to breathe through it, and find strength in the breath. To be ok with weakness, to be ok with uncertainty. To be ok with the fact that there are always two sides to a story. Strength and weakness.

And in my ending meditation, I felt a gentle breeze coming in through the window. As I felt it touch my arms and face, it was the most comforting sensation I have felt in the past few weeks. Because it made me realize that the world doesn't always give us gale winds, it give us gentle breezes too. Two sides to a story. Gale winds and gentle breezes. Force and gentleness. It's true in life. But I realize, that when the strong winds come, that my strength is somewhere inside of me -- it just gets buried sometimes underneath the layers and layers of worry. I just have to breathe through it. And I know that the storms will eventually slow down, and will be followed by the comfort of a gentle breeze.

I gazed at the beautiful blue sky out the window, seeing the leaves starting to turn. The thought that came to mind is "transitions." I silently said a mantra:

I let go of worry.
I let go of control.
I let go of my burdens.


I open my heart to uncertainty.
I open my heart to transitions.
I open my heart to grace and the greater good that is in store for me.

And so I felt peace. Even for just this morning. Yes, the uncertainty is there. But I am teaching and re-teaching myself to accept it. It's a lot of work. But just as I accept my feelings of uncertainty and weakness in my physical yoga practice, I am beginning to accept uncertainty with the knowledge that there is a source of strength inside me. With the knowledge that the storms come and go, but there's always a place of calm after the storm. It's grace at work. And for that, I am grateful.

work/life balance

I had a recent conversation with a friend of mine who just went back to the Philippines for a 2-week visit. Now this friend is a highly intelligent, high-achieving, yet personable and fun-loving person. If there's someone you want who can get the job done (and more), she's your go-to gal. This girl can really WORK.

She talked about how laid-back the culture is back home. How our people know how to have fun (heck, we are the nation whose people can sing and dance at a citizen-organized revolution to impeach a president).

This is what I love about our culture. People know that family comes first. Work can be left in the office. After that, time is spent with family and friends. It's about family and relationships. After leaving the workplace, time is spent relaxing, doing leisure activities, whether at home or elsewhere.

But perhaps my view of life in my home country is skewed now. My parents are retired and enjoying life to the fullest, travelling like crazy, exercising, taking naps, and most of all, taking care of themselves. So I know my parents, by virtue of the life stage they are in, are not "representative" of the average person living there. But even people my age back home, who are building careers, seem to know the meaning of leisure and rest. And know where to draw the line between work and personal time.

In my conversation with that friend of mine, we realized how different life is here. I've lived here for almost 7 years, she for longer than that. We talked about how our work becomes our life. And no wonder we're under stress. "Duh". It's not rocket science.

How do we value our work? Work can be "just" work, or work can be a passion. Whether it's teaching children, balancing accounts, designing a product, or whatever it is you are committed to. When we love what we do, we pour all our energy into it. But ideally, we also have to allow ourselves to rest, so that we can greet the next day and continue our work with renewed energy. We owe that to our work, but more importantly, we owe that to ourselves. The fact that I say ideally is ironic, because shouldn't periods of rest be a given and not an ideal? But in this current economy, for many people it's not enough to just call it a day at 5 pm.

Is work a means to an end or an end in itself? We say we work the way we do to improve our quality of life.  And by quality of life, I mean work-life balance... I mean physical, mental, social, and emotional health. Does working the way we do increase the chances of having a better quality of life? What does it mean to have a strong work ethic AND work-life balance at the same time?

I'll have to ponder on those thoughts for a while. In the meantime, I'm going to take a break, take deep breaths, and practice some downward dogs and child's pose.

Then I'll have to get back to work.

overcoming self-doubt

Moments of self-doubt... aaaah, the bane of my existence. The energy-consuming, stress-producing, sleep-depriving Beast.

I just went through one of those moments a few days ago. And as though the universe heard me, I came across this yogini's blog post, which was a great comfort. And I revisited an old blog entry, in which I quoted Joseph Campbell's words about following your bliss. Just what I needed.

I read more of his work, and came across this:

"Now, I came to this idea of bliss because in Sanskrit, which is the great spiritual language of the world, there are three terms that represent the brink, the jumping-off place to the ocean of transcendence: sat-chit-ananda. The word 'Sat' means being. 'Chit' means consciousness. 'Ananda' means bliss or rapture. I thought, 'I don't know whether my consciousness is proper consciousness or not; I don't know whether what I know of my being is proper being or not; but I do know where my rapture is. So let me hang on to rapture, and that will bring me both my consciousness and my being.' I think it worked." - Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

So I too will be holding on to that which brings me rapture... even if sometimes I feel that I'm hanging on by a thread. 

Read more on Joseph Campbell's work here.

life's work

Gypsy Dancer
Cincinnati, OH, 2006

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."
- Buddha

This led me to think: Which one of these will it be?

- Early childhood intervention/special education
- Yoga & wellness
- Photography
- Food

I feel like each one of these is a little "world" in itself.  Each is a piece of a larger puzzle, and if one is missing, the puzzle won't be complete. But the question is -

Can I do all of them, and how do I do them equally well, without compromising one or the other? Or is there a conflict of interest going on here?

I'd like to hear from you: how do you balance it all? How do you put all the pieces of your life's work together?

new stomping grounds

Green space in front of my apartment on campus.

Hmmm.... outdoor yoga anybody?

Love that bench too...