Monday musings: an exercise in patience

Last Saturday night, A. and I had dinner at a nearby Lebanese restaurant. What started out as a pleasant dinner ended up being a test in patience and acceptance for me.

There was a foursome right next to us, seemingly of the yuppie twentysomething set. One of the girls in the group kept using the "R"-word as part of her conversational/slang vocabulary. And by R-word I mean the words "retard" and "retarded" - as in "what a retard" or "that's so retarded". I would say she used it at least 3 times within less than a 10-minute period.

I quickly felt the heat rising to my cheeks, and my heart started to race.

There's not a lot of things I get angry about. But as a special educator, I do feel strongly about this issue.

One of my first lessons in special education came from a parent herself, who responded with so much grace, compassion, and understanding towards a not-so-good decision that I made with regard to the instruction of her child with a disability exceptionality. It's something I will never forget, as a fresh-out-of-college graduate then (thank you, Mrs. K., wherever you are). This actually happened before my formal training in early childhood special education, and compared to everything I've learned about curriculum and instruction and behavioral methods etc etc, I would say the lesson I learned back then is by far the most important. A human being is a human being. It's diverse ability, not just disability.

Probably the second most important thing I learned, when I finally went to graduate school, is "person-first language." At the time I went to undergrad x number of years ago, I had not heard of such a concept. So learning about "person-first language" made an impact on me. Here's what the Ohio Developmental Disabilities Council says on the matter:

"Put the person first in word and thought. Emphasize the person rather than the disability."

Person-first language means that we see the person first and not the label. Truly, a child is a child first and a child with a disability second. That goes for any individual regardless of age, diagnosis, etc. So, we would say, "a child with Down Syndrome" and not a "Downs kid". It also means we emphasize the ability and not the handicap or limitation; for example, "wheelchair user" rather than "wheelchair bound" or "confined to a wheelchair." A few years ago the county boards of Developmental Disabilities in our state removed "mental retardation" from their agency name - it used to read "Board of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities." Now they are "Board of Developmental Disabilities." The terminology "mental retardation" is now being phased out.

I actually got into a semi-debate with someone else about this topic. The other person I was talking to said, "What does it matter? It means the same thing. You're just trying to be politically correct."

Well sure, why not be PC and appropriate? But more than being PC, it's about dignity and respect. Our language is a reflection of our attitudes.

"Our attitudes affect outcomes."

So back to the incident at dinner. There I was, trying to enjoy my Lebanese jibneh and garlicky spinach, but each time I heard her use the r-word I felt the heat rise to my cheeks again. Thank goodness A. was there to calm me down. So I took some deep, albeit garlicky (sorry, TMI) breaths. She wasn't doing it intentionally, after all. She just didn't know. The r-word has just become part of the conversational slang, perhaps so embedded into culture that it is no longer questioned. But the good thing is, many do question and challenge that.

I seriously considered approaching her calmly and diplomatically - not in an accusatory way but in an increasing-awareness-kind-of-way. A. on the other hand thought I should just let it go; he put things into perspective for me as he always does, and reminded me that it was just a lack of awareness. I wondered, had I not had interactions with children/individuals/relatives with disabilities, would I have known not to use those words?

And, there was a bottle of wine on their table after all, and who knows if that bottle was their first or fifth. They weren't rowdy by any means, but I also tend to avoid confrontation, let alone a confrontation with someone who's had an unknown number of drinks. I also don't want to appear high and mighty. So I didn't do anything else, except continue with my deep breaths.  I am much more comfortable keeping the peace, though I wonder sometimes if I compromise for the sake of harmony. And I do tend to replay the scene in my mind over and over later, imagining what I should have said.

Once again, our language is a reflection of our attitudes. Please, let's take the r-word out of our vocabulary.

source

Ok, I'm stepping off my soapbox now. Thanks for letting me have my little moment of advocacy (and a moment of venting).

What would you have done if you were in my situation? Would you have talked to a stranger about not using offensive language, intentionally or not?

"it's the most wonderful time of the year..." (some holiday ideas)

I've been working on this post for a while, trying to put together (hopefully) useful information for the holidays...

I've also been trying to shy away from the tendency towards over-commercialism and over-consumption that goes along with the holidays. That makes it feel a little bit too chaotic for me, and I think it takes away from what I believe is the essence of the upcoming holiday. Whether you celebrate it in a sacred or secular way, what do the holidays mean to you?

Now I have to admit, part of this has to do with the fact that I am now a full-time student and only receiving a meager stipend for part-time work (meaning I have very little wiggle room in my budget to shop for big-ticket items as presents, from corporate chains and big box stores). But being in this situation has also made me reflect on what's necessary and what's truly essential.

But I'm also trying to avoid being prescriptive and preachy... so I'll stop there.

So for whatever it's worth, here are some ideas for an "alternative" shopping list. Websites of fair trade stores, websites of products from micro-grants (Click here and here for information on micro-grants). Hope you consider...

Ten Thousand Villages (in-store and online): Beautiful handmade items from around the world - home furnishings/decorations, clothing and accessories, paper goods, and even toys!

Global Exchange

Janet Rhodes fair trade store (in-store and online): I loved this store when I saw it in a neighboring town. Got a few unique gifts from here last year.

Global Goods Partners : Handmade gifts that support women in need.

Global Girlfriend: This one supports micro-grants for women.

* Some of the above websites have either free shipping when you reach $100's worth of purchases, or have standard/flat rate shipping, or other shipping promotions. Just check the individual website.

If you have a crafty side, how about handmade edible or non-edible gifts? Here are some links:

Chocolate Pumpkin Spice Cake

Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins

Granola

Mulled apple cider (can be packaged in a stainless steel thermos for gifting)

I like what Ina Garten (aka Barefoot Contessa) says about holiday gifting. Her philosophy is that holiday gifts should be edible or consumable. I like that. :)

Shea butter hand cream

Salt scrub

Masala chai blend (spiced black tea mix)

I've been spoiled with A's homemade chai. After trying his chai, I never wanted the packaged ones or the ones from pre-made mixes that you get in coffee shops. We jokingly say that what brought us together was his chai and my cake. Oh, and one thing he clarified way back was that "chai" actually means "tea", so saying "chai tea" is redundant. Ok, it is his language after all. :) Oh, and masala = spices. So now it drives me just a little bit crazy when I keep seeing "chai tea latte" in restaurant/coffee shop menus. Anyway...

- 1 tsp loose leaf black tea (Assam is recommended)
- seeds of 2 green cardamom pods, crushed
- 1/4 tsp ground ginger (if making it for yourself, use about a 1/4 inch slice of fresh ginger, chopped)
- 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon (if making it for yourself, you can also use 1 small piece - about 1 inch - of cinnamon stick)
- 1-2 whole cloves

 I don't always use cinnamon and cloves actually... usually ginger and cardamom are fine for me, but the combination of spices is up to individual preference. So have fun, experiment and see what combination of spices you like best.

If making it for yourself, boil some water, add your choice of sweetener (I like turbinado sugar), the tea blend, and your choice of milk (cow's milk, almond milk, or soy milk).

If making it as a gift, just multiply the ingredients (tea leaves and spices). I'll let you do the math, as that is not one of my strong points. :) Mix everything in a glass jar, and maybe some written instructions for the recipient would be nice.

Or you can check out more chai recipe options here.

As an additional note:  The spices used in chai -- cinnamon, cloves, ginger -- these are all warming spices, which are great for the winter months! And ginger is great for digestion.

I think a big reason I like making handmade gifts (edible or otherwise) is the time it gives me to pause and enjoy the moment without the hustle and bustle of going to a crowded shopping mall. Just thinking about the parking lot chaos on a Saturday afternoon in December is enough to make me run - or drive, I mean -- in the other direction. I will admit to making an exception though if it's something from a toy store or bookshop that I think my nephews or nieces will really, REALLY like. In which case -- as much as I can help it -- I will opt to go to a smaller, locally-owned store like this one or this one , or this little book shop, rather than a big-box store in which I will have to dodge crowds, shopping carts, and wait in long checkout lines. And, how can I resist store names like Off the Wagon, My Little Red Wagon, and The Learned Owl Bookshop?

I don't know the math exactly, but when we support and shop in local businesses, every dollar spent is worth threefold (or something like that). Basically the money goes back to the community. How can that not be a good thing?

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If you live in Northern Ohio, click here for an idea for a charitable gift. For a small donation, you get entered in a drawing to win all sorts of gift cards to dine out in at least a dozen restaurants! And I'm not talking about just "any" restaurant... I'm talking about chef-owned, gourmet, local businesses. This would be a great "experience" gift - to yourself, or to someone else if you make a donation on someone else's behalf.

What are some "alternative" things you've done for holiday presents? Would love more ideas...

PS: Let's talk about packaging... I know this makes me sound like the Grinch, but the other thing that bugs me about the holidays is the amount of waste that is a result of wrapping paper, bubble wrap, Styrofoam peanuts, etc... many of which are completely non-recyclable (for instance, the shiny or foil kind of wrapping paper is harder to recycle than regular paper; Styrofoam peanuts are completely non-recyclable). However, some of them are reusable. Which is a good thing, because it takes less energy to reuse than to recycle. And it takes the least energy to reduce. Hence the order of least-to-most energy: "reduce-reuse-recycle". So anyway... gather up all the Styrofoam peanuts or bubble wrap that comes in your shipped packages, place it all in a bag, and take it to your nearby UPS store, for them to reuse.

And while we're on the topic of packaging... why not bring a reusable cloth or canvas bag when Christmas shopping? They're not just for markets or grocery stores :) There's your opportunity to "reduce," right there.

Ok, I think I've already done what I tried to avoid.... prescriptive/preachy.

However you choose to celebrate...enjoy being present with yourself and with others this holiday season.

the hand that rocks the cradle

...is the hand that rules the world." (poem by William Ross Wallace)

I came across this website, Mothers Acting Up. It is an organization that works to mobilize mothers (mothers and any other persons who care for children) to advocate on behalf of the world's children. What a great way to channel the powerful yet nurturing maternal energy towards advocacy and activism!

"We realize that we live in a world that does not prioritize or protect our children's well-being and that this will not change without each of us finding the courage and commitment to speak out on their behalf. By mobilizing our gigantic political strength, we can ensure the health, education, and safety of every child, not just a privileged few. Let us: whisper this to each other; sing it out in the streets; yell it from our rooftops; declare it in our houses of government -- we will protect our children with our personal and political strength, wherever they live on earth!"

- Mothers Acting Up

Wow. That just gave me goosebumps.

Read more about MAU here.

To my mom, my best friend, who taught me to work towards my best self, and to do it with grace, compassion, faith, and generosity. Who taught me to dream, and to dream big... while still keeping family and loved ones front and center. To all my "adoptive" moms here in my second home: thank you for caring for me. For looking out for my safety. For letting me cry on your shoulder. For welcoming me into your homes as mothers do so well. For being my family while I am away from home. THANK YOU. And to all my beautiful mom-friends (you know who you are). You are all AMAZING.

Happy Mother's Day to all women who are mothers, or are acting in a maternal capacity towards children.