praying for clarity

Big day today... I'm finally defending my dissertation proposal! This was 2 years in the making...when I went through all those hiccups (and emotions) last year, I actually considered quitting. But I'm still here. Still going. So as nerve-wracking as today is, I'm actually quite relieved to be at this stage.

If all goes well, I can officially start my research and maaaaybe get done next year. Collect data this summer, analyze data in the fall, write up my last chapters in the spring, defend and be done. But if there's anything I've learned in this PhD program, it's never such a clear-cut process. If anyone has had a really straightforward experience from point A to point B, I'd love to know that secret.

In the meantime, I need some peace and calm. I get all nervous and jumpy about these things.

If only I can simply transport myself to the ocean, sink my toes in the sand, feel weightless in the water...

But since I can't do that, I'll post a picture instead.

Boracay, Philippines | December 2012

Despite having grown up in the tropics, the clarity of this water never fails to amaze me.

I'm praying for this same clarity right now... and reminding myself that I am absolutely privileged to be in this place. That I can pursue an education and the causes that are important to me, and find solutions to problems in ways that will positively impact issues I care about. I know people sometimes resist this notion of privilege for fear of appearing "high and mighty" or "more-than". On one hand, I think it's because there are those in positions of privilege that use power in the wrong ways or feel automatically entitled to certain things.

On the other hand, I think it's important for me to keep in mind that what I do now, where I am now... while certainly not privileged by way of material wealth or fancy titles (um, I call myself a doctoral slave if that gives you any idea!) - still puts me in a position of being able to change things. To make things better. Even in little ways. And that is a privilege.

One of my mentors said, "teaching is a privilege." It truly is. And so is this. So it's only right that I put forth quality work and strive to be the very best version of myself.

A. always gives me the best pep talks before "big days" like this one. A few minutes ago he said:

"We have a saying in India, 'No one can stop a rising sun.' YOU are a rising sun."

He's amazing like that. I am so incredibly thankful.

And for even more inspiration...

Image via Pinterest

 P.S. If the last few blog posts were any indication, I've been addicted to "pinning" inspirational words on Pinterest lately...

overcoming fear

image from Pinterest

I did it!

So last week I talked about trying Krav Maga. And last weekend, I gathered my guts and finally went to my first class.

Before I go any further... in case any of you are asking, "Krav Ma-wha???", here is a brief excerpt from the website:

"Krav Maga is the official self defense system of the Israeli Defense Forces, and has been taught to hundreds of law enforcement agencies and thousands of civilians in the United States.

Krav Maga is a simple, effective self defense system that emphasizes instinctive movements, practical techniques, and realistic training scenarios."

 
I was really nervous, I have to admit. The night before, I only got 4 hours of sleep (me and my overthinking again).  I almost chickened out and talked myself out of it that morning.

But I'm glad I didn't.

I have to say that this is unlike anything I've ever done before. I'm probably the most non-confrontational person and I don't think I have an aggressive bone in my body. I've always been somewhat adventurous, having tried various things like skydiving and wakeboarding and gotten certified in scuba diving (in my previous, more active life, that is). But I've never been into intense workouts, always preferring yoga, walking, and non-competitive swimming. I'm someone who loathes the gym and has never been a member in one, ever (not unless you count my childhood gymnastics gym, but that is different). Generally I'm not a fan of weights and counting reps and all that (ugh). What I do love, is movement, but I don't like it to feel like "exercise". 

But this is more than just exercise for me. It's self-defense, which as I've said before, I think everyone (especially women) should learn and feel confident in. It's not about being violent... it's about being safe. It's about keeping your promise to go home safely to the ones you love.

I knew I was pretty out of shape, and I am definitely feeling it now. I went to class over the weekend, and now it's Tuesday and I'm still sore.

Needless to say, my routine weekend baking did not happen. And neither did my boatload of laundry, as I stare at the full basket and wishing it would just magically get done.

But all that said... my first class was an empowering experience. The place is owned by a woman (who also taught the Level 1 class I attended). She is quite petite, but she is strong. So, there's hope for me!

It's amazing what happens when you set an intention to do something. It could be anything - big or small. It could be something you're afraid to do.

So. I'm putting this out there and expressing my commitment.

How about you - do you keep a list of intentions? What's on your list?

student for life

So I'm supposed to be on spring break this week. But only in theory. It feels like I haven't stopped working... and I'm exhausted.

Finally had a quick break and thought I'd stop in here...

I'm often asked what I want to do after I graduate. It's funny because as wonderful as finishing (finally) would be, life outside of school can be scary. Every new degree takes you further into your career, and life after a PhD sounds... intimidating. I'm not quite sure yet what I'll do. I know what I don't want to do, but I'm certainly getting ideas as to what I would enjoy doing given the opportunities I have now to try my hand at certain things, like consulting.

All that said... if I had a choice I would really want to keep on learning. I want to be a student in some way for life. I know that sounds weird, but perhaps it's my desire for kaizen, as in my manifesto here.

I started making a list of all the (other) things I want to learn...

1. How to speak Hindi conversationally. Meaning not just the words for food so I can order a meal in Hindi in India or at an Indian restaurant (which I can do). Apparently I mistakenly impressed my mother-in-law when we first talked on the phone years ago and I rattled off the Hindi words for Indian dishes. Except I couldn't really carry on a real conversation as I may have led her to believe! I'm hoping that being bilingual already (Filipino and English) and having learned other languages somewhat (French and Spanish, in college) offers an advantage - at least in terms of language-learning readiness -  but there are just some Hindi sounds that are difficult for me because I did not grow up hearing or being exposed to those sound combinations. It's so true how they say babies are "citizens of the world" and their brains are ready to learn any language, but all that changes as they get older and especially in adulthood. But never say never!

2. Photography. I still haven't taken any formal classes, and I do want to learn the technical aspect of taking pictures. I did download some tutorials and e-books and such, but I'm embarrassed to say I haven't really dug into them yet. I'm still neck-deep (or maybe over my head is more accurate) in educational research, for my day job(s).

3. Krav Maga or some other self-defense training. I love NCIS and think Ziva David kicks ass with her Krav Maga moves. I even named my car Ziva. :) Just like reverse parking skills (which I'm proud to say I've been doing almost for as long as I've been driving), I think every woman should know how to defend herself in some way. Krav Maga is designed for practical, real-world self-defense, unlike other martial arts. I just can't believe it's taken me this long to gather my guts and do it. There's a training center about a half hour from where I live, and they have classes on Saturday mornings. There goes my lazy Saturday mornings (or crazy-baking mornings), but I think it will be so worth it. 

4.  Total Immersion swimming. I remember putting this on my list years ago, when I still lived in Cincinnati and discovered there was a TI instructor in Cleveland! And now I'm living here, and I still haven't gotten into it. I love swimming - it's like meditation in motion for me, but I'm sad to say it has been on the back burner as well. But this friend has really inspired me to get back into the water.

5. Other random things, like calligraphy. I know -  I sound like I'm all over the place, but really I want to learn this too. As much as I love the digital age, the old-fashioned ways appeal to me as well.

It's funny how I list all these and yet feel so exhausted with my main job(s) that I don't know when I'll get to these "other" stuff. But, a girl can dream. And work. One thing at a time.

image via Pinterest

balance and nourishment

I've started to feel overwhelmed lately.

I sat down and listed my to-do's for the next 6 months and the rest of the year and I almost went into a semi-panic, looking at my list of at least 5 big projects, all of which have to do with my academic life.

So I got up and made some soup.

(Recipe to follow later... it was REALLY good, by the way).

But such is my defense mechanism. Cooking and creating soothe my nerves, and provide me with some grounding and centering. An opportunity to breathe.

Then I went back to work.

Before I go on, I have a feeling that this will be a long blog post. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately... mostly on my professional/academic life. It must be because I've been working on my academic portfolio for the past several days. But anyway...

In thinking about my defense mechanism/stress relief (a.k.a. my compulsive, I-have-to-do-it-now stress-cooking sprees), I went back to thinking about my word for this year. In my journal, I wrote that the word I want to encapsulate 2011 to be BALANCE/BALANCED. Last year (2010) was about COURAGE and INSPIRATION, to tackle the many challenges ahead. 2009 was about TAKING ACTION, because it was a year of opportunity, decision-making, and transitions. I do like thinking of my big words for the year.

But I was led to think about how I want to achieve BALANCE: a BALANCED state of mind, body, and soul.

Why BALANCE? I started thinking about how I love balancing poses.

Tree pose, New Hampshire, Summer 2006

photo by Dad

Tree pose, Maryland, Fall 2008

photo by Minnie

I do love balancing poses. I don't mean that I never fall out of them -- I do, just depending on the day -- but I still love them. Maybe it's my dominant vata dosha in my personality in need of grounding, or my childhood gymnastics aspirations. I love all the elements that make up a balancing pose like tree or half-moon, or my favorite, dancer pose.

Dancer pose, Cincinnati, Summer 2006

photo by Jen

Dancer pose, Cleveland, Winter 2010

 

The centering of focus, the attention to the breath, the feeling of strength and stillness coming from deep in your core. The feeling of integration: integration of breath, mind, and body, the integration of subtle movement and peaceful stillness. The integration of process/effort and form/outcome, no matter what the outcome is -- whether it's gracefully achieving the pose you sought out to do, or modifying it, or falling out of it...gracefully, or not. It's all ok.

In my senior year of college, my best friend of 20+ years wrote these words to describe me: "a pillar of quiet strength." Words I hold very dearly. When I feel good in an asana practice, when I feel in tune with my body and mind, that is how it feels: Quiet strength.

So how do I take these lessons of balance and integration into my life?

To do that, I didn't set out to make a list of new year's resolutions in the manner of writing "things" to do. I didn't want to make a list of to-do's, only to abandon them by February. I find that I'm constantly reflecting, planning, and re-evaluating my choices throughout the year anyway. So instead, I wrote first about the things that throw me off balance:

• Poor sleeping habits
• Not enough vegetables
• Not enough movement, or too much
• Not enough sunshine and fresh air
• Not enough creativity
• Not enough quiet time
• Not enough community...and by that I don't necessarily mean always being part of an organized, structured group... but to me it could mean an enjoyable conversation with one person, a few persons, or several
• Not enough chocolate (I know, I know.... *wink*)

Ironically, in this day and age of gadgets and gizmos and technology in all shapes, sizes, and forms, all the things that I need for balance are really just basic things. Well, almost, depending on how you classify chocolate. :)

So how do I address those things that throw me off balance? Instead of writing a list of WHAT to do, I wrote about the HOW. How I'm going to do things, and how I'm not going to do things.

I came up with this list:

• To do, not overdo.
• To strive for excellence, not perfection.
• To nourish and be nourished.

The words NOURISH and BE NOURISHED leaped out of the page. I suddenly remembered that the words "Nourish your life" were on my vision board which I created in 2008.

It's funny how words come back. It must mean something.

I reflected on the words some more, thinking about how they are, or can be at work in my life. Nourish your life. Nourish. Be nourished.

So it's no secret that I love, love, LOVE to cook...

 (Joy in the kitchen... bad hair day and all :) My brother took this surprise photo of me while I was preparing food for my 28th birthday dinner.)

And I love, love, LOVE to eat...

(Cutting into my flourless chocolate cake (thanks to this friend) on my 28th birthday, which was in... gulp... 2007. This was an evening of pure joy.)

...because cooking nourishes others, as it does myself. I love it when I make a great dish, unplanned, out of random ingredients I have in the pantry and refrigerator. I love it when I revise others' recipes and make it to my own liking. I love the ease in cooking, the slowness of it. The simplicity, or complexity of a dish, to suit your mood. The creativity of improvisation. The act of waiting, the element of anticipation and surprise. The combination of artfulness and precision of technique (ok, so I felt like an impostor saying that, not being professionally trained...) that results in a pretty baked treat. The memories attached to certain kinds of food. Yes, I fully attest to being an emotional eater... and I will assert that being an emotional eater -- in the way I described above -- is not necessarily a bad thing. I've said over and over again how being in the kitchen is therapy for me. And I love sharing this joyful experience by sharing a meal with a friend, or a few, or a big group... or gifting someone with homemade treats.

But more than that, I'm thinking of nourishment beyond the physical sense. Thinking about how I can nourish and be nourished in my academic life, my work life, my personal life. I think that is how I can achieve balance and be balanced.

And I realize....

To nourish someone else's learning, I need to nourish my own. I was trained as an early childhood educator, and in my years of teaching I have always felt the need to find ways to re-energize myself, to refill my cup, so to speak, so that I can face the next day and give my renewed energy. I've always found teaching not just physically or mentally challenging, but emotionally challenging as well... especially when working with special populations of children and families. I learned, though experience, that I need to prevent myself from being emotionally burned out so that I can still be effective as a teacher. Now, I am no longer working with children directly, but I am teaching adults. Being new to the world of college teaching, I am constantly second-guessing myself. Did I do enough? Did I communicate effectively? Did I model the same level of preparedness and professionalism as I expect from students? Did I evaluate students' work fairly? Did I support students' learning? Was I flexible enough to respond to students' needs, while still remaining consistent in my expectations? Did I share at least one thing that will make an impact on their professional lives? And most importantly: Did I honor each student's self-esteem and personhood?

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, as I usually am. It's still a work in progress. I understand that this is a growing process. Instead, I am finding ways to nourish my own learning and growth. Whether it's doing research on effective teaching practices (yes... nerdy, I know... but such is the life in academia), or reflecting on my teaching. Whether it's talking to a peer going through the same experiences, or seeking mentoring from someone more experienced than I. I realize that all these are sources of nourishment.

To nourish someone else's spirit, I need to nourish my own. To exercise love and compassion toward others, I need to practice those same qualities towards myself. That means...

• To do, not overdo (yes, I said it again... I think I need to constantly repeat these words to myself. Stubborn me.).
• To work hard, and rest well
• To set high standards for myself, while being gentle and forgiving towards mistakes
• To learn from mistakes, and also reward myself for a job well done
• To set my own standards based on what I value as important, meaningful, and nourishing to myself and others. This is, and will be, a big challenge... because I am at a phase in my professional life in which it's all about meeting external standards and satisfying other people's expectations to get through. It is a PhD program, after all. I obviously need to think about this one some more...
• To immerse myself 100% in the process, but practice acceptance and non-attachment toward the results. In yogic/Sanskrit terminology, non-attachment is "vairagya". Oooh... that will be another challenge. I will have to remember the lessons from my asana practice of balancing poses: focused practice in the process, but acceptance and non-attachment towards the outcome.
• To be generous of my time and my gifts, while allowing myself time and opportunities to give "gifts" to myself. Not material gifts, but time for activities like writing/journaling/reflecting, time for movement and meditation, and time for art and creativity.

So, the big words for 2011: BALANCE and NOURISHMENT. Let's see how this year unfolds...