when was the last time you did something for the first time?

I used to be into New Year's resolutions and word-for-the-year reflections and such. It didn't quite happen this time when we transitioned from 2013 to 2014, for various reasons I need not delve into. But, I find that it's also perfectly fine to spend the first month really reflecting, rather than going all gung-ho on the first of the year and then losing steam by the end of January (guilty). I realize that it's important to consider schedule changes, work changes, and other expectations and make sure goals are challenging yet realistic.

Sometimes I have this silly feeling that if I put my goals out there, I set myself up for these expectations - almost with an anticipation of, "but what if I don't achieve it?" And yet, when I look back... the goals I wrote down somewhere (whether on a post-it note, a notebook, or here on the blog) and to which I set my intentions tend to be ones that I have met. Perhaps not all of them, but at least the ones that mattered and made sense at the time.

Image from here

I saw this question above - "when was the last time you did something for the first time?" on a travel brochure, and it made me stop in my tracks. I love thinking of this as a guiding question. Perhaps not just at the start of the new year, but really, throughout the year. To keep myself open to experience, challenged, motivated, and dare I say, youthful?

So, here goes.

1. Finish my dissertation this summer. Ok, so this one may not sound particularly exciting, but still - I MUST/NEED/WANT TO finish this baby this year. I've come this far. As they say - the PhD is not just/always about how smart you are. It's about persistence. Now that I feel "piled higher and deeper", I realize there is nothing further from the truth. I'm following my professor's advice: "Treat your dissertation like it's your job."

2. Take the Krav Maga Level 1 test. I've never actually said this one "out loud". When I first started taking Krav Maga, I hadn't really given much thought into going up the levels. I've never really been competitive (not that KM is competitive), and tests just...intimidate me (flashback to memories of taking a college math exam, college chemistry, the GRE, and breaking into a cold sweat.). But I heard that cliched little voice, barely a whisper, say, "what if?" And then, "why not?"

I do feel a bit behind, because I was told that on average people can take the Level 1 test after 4-6 months of training consistently and regularly. Regularity has been a barrier for me because this school is about a 40-minute drive (on a good day) for me, so I'm not always able to go on weeknights. I make up for it by getting into weekend-warrior mode and taking classes back-to-back on Sundays. But at the same time, I cut myself some slack - I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances, and I'm going at a pace I feel comfortable with. Of course, we are not forced to take the test - some people may decide to just stay at Level 1. It's all optional.

Here's a picture of the training center. I took this picture around Halloween last year. Note the sign above: "Torture Chamber" ;-)

The Level 1 test requires that you demonstrate 30-something skills and from what I've heard, it's a pretty grueling 4-hour experience. Well, to be accurate, the first 2 hours is a workshop to review, practice, and ask questions, and then the next half is the actual test. So, the last time I trained, I picked up the sheet that had the Level 1 curriculum which listed the skills that will be covered during the test. I checked every skill that I knew, and realized... I'm doing pretty ok. There are definitely skills I still need to learn and master, and I still need to practice the basic skills more, of course - confidence has always been my issue. But my instructor said that I'm getting the technique, I just need to be more aggressive. Followed up with, "you don't have to be so proper!" Ha! Thanks to my mom's manners and etiquette training :) And my thought is - "Me??? Aggressive??" But just to put this out there - their take on being aggressive has to do more with getting your energy out, not being unsafe or being violent. They're always big on safety, which is why I feel comfortable training in this school. Towards the end of one class my instructor gave me a headlock and I thought I defended myself pretty well. :)

I'm not going to lie - this experience has not been easy. It has taken me out of my comfort zone more than anything else has (including skydiving). For starters, you get into really close contact with another person and in uncomfortable positions (like mounting for a ground fighting drill) - which is a challenge for someone like me who values personal space (at least with strangers). I've gotten bruised and scraped and scratched. I've been sore for days after an intense class. But more than the physical part of it - it's the emotional aspect. At a recent weapons defense class, I found myself having to fight back tears as the simulated knife attack just made memories surface - of my cousins who died of multiple stab wounds. It was more than 20 years ago, but it still affects me to this very day. But I remind myself, this is why I made the decision to learn. This is why I show up, even when the thing I want to do so much more on a wintry Sunday morning is bury myself under the covers or have a leisurely breakfast. 

On a lighter note. I haven't heard when the Level 1 test will be this year - but last year I believe there was one in August and another in November. So, something to work towards...

3. Try stand-up paddleboarding. I have to admit, winter makes me long for the water so much more. Particularly the warm, clear, turquoise tropical waters in the Philippines... sigh.

image from Yoga Journal

This goal isn't as intense as #2 above, but I've always wanted to try it. I used to be so into watersports when I lived back home and had easy access to beaches. But, I shouldn't forget that we do have a lake here!

I also had in the deep recesses of my mind to try surfing and windsurfing, but stand-up paddleboarding just seems so... calming. And I suppose windsurfing is, too, once you're done wrestling with the sail :) But SUP needs less equipment - and although I'm sure it's one of those things that just look easy, but I figured if I learned wakeboarding I could probably learn SUP. There's even SUP yoga!

Images from Yoga Journal

So, there's my top 3. Nothing groundbreaking, but definitely something to look forward to. There's a first for everything, and everyone was a beginner at something at some point. Let's see how this year unfolds...

krav chronicles

So recently I wrote about how I started Krav Maga.

As I've said before, this is unlike anything I've ever done. Right now, I'm bruised in three places and my knee is skinned raw after practicing knee strikes on a 6-inch-thick pad.

I will admit that I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to these things. Which was why med school was out of the question for me. It's a bit strange, because I can watch my blood getting drawn for yearly check-ups and such, but I just don't like injuries of any kind (then again, who does?) and I have to admit I don't have a high tolerance for pain. Like I said, wimpy. And really guilty of it. A. was a bit amused by my situation, and jokingly asked why I need to put a gauze bandage as thick as a mattress over my skinned knee. What can I say, he exaggerates sometimes... and in my defense, I also had to wear jeans over it and didn't like the idea of denim rubbing against, um, exposed flesh. Still, his jokes are pretty funny. ;-)

ouch.

But the learning is so worth it. It definitely pushes me to do what's uncomfortable - because in a real-life attack situation, "uncomfortable" would be understating it.

At the 2-hour class I attended recently, we practiced self-defense and offense moves in response to a variety of attack situations specifically targeted towards women -- including chokes, getting pulled by the arm, "bear hugs" from behind, as well as mounts (which is probably the most uncomfortable one - meaning the situation in which you are down on the ground with the attacker right on top of you).

I met another girl there who was about my size, and she has been going to class for about 2 months now and I was just so amazed by how strong she was. We partnered up for the drills, and her strength just really inspired me to try harder.

On a lighter note, the highlight at the end was when the instructor asked for any volunteers who wanted to try "beating up" this fully padded guy (who is actually one of the instructors there). I have to say, I'm not the type to be the first one with a hand raised whenever an instructor asks for a volunteer, no matter the setting. (Think of Monica from Friends, in that episode in which she was in a literature class and kept raising her hand. Um, no. Not me.)

After a few participants went, my fellow-petite-partner volunteered. She was awesome. After her turn, she told me, "how often do you get to beat up a padded guy??". After a few more people went, I thought... what the heck. I raised my hand.

So I went. It was a bit intimidating with - I don't know - maybe 40 or so people watching. Here I am, five-foot-nothing, in front of a guy who was six-foot something with full padding and a protective helmet. The situation was that an attacker (the said padded guy) was going to pull me by the arm. We were taught that when you are pulled by the arm, instead of resisting (which would likely be the reflex response) you actually move into it with more speed/force - almost like you're using the attacker's energy to counter-attack with more energy. And I just went, punching and kicking until he was on the ground.

(Granted, I knew it was partly largely theatrical that this guy ended up on the ground. But still.)

It was a rush of adrenaline! It's not that I really had to think of what to do. Even if I never thought of myself as aggressive in any way - they actually encourage you to channel your inner aggression. You'll need it to save your life. As the instructor said, you need to want to survive more than they want to hurt/kill you.  

That said, it's certainly not about unnecessary aggression, or picking fights for no good reason. Many times, there are situations that are better avoided and prevented in the first place. But, when an attack does happen, they say that "the best defense is a good offense" - to eliminate the threat and escape the situation. That being the case, aggression (along with skill, of course) is necessary.  

Although I'm still really new, this already has been such an empowering experience. Even if I had been nervous going into it, I never regret it afterwards. Skinned knees and all.

~

Just as a disclaimer... I'm absolutely no expert on Krav Maga by any means. I'm just writing about my own experience and perspectives, and I am not speaking for any Krav Maga school or instructor. All that said... if you find a school near you, give it a try. :)

praying for clarity

Big day today... I'm finally defending my dissertation proposal! This was 2 years in the making...when I went through all those hiccups (and emotions) last year, I actually considered quitting. But I'm still here. Still going. So as nerve-wracking as today is, I'm actually quite relieved to be at this stage.

If all goes well, I can officially start my research and maaaaybe get done next year. Collect data this summer, analyze data in the fall, write up my last chapters in the spring, defend and be done. But if there's anything I've learned in this PhD program, it's never such a clear-cut process. If anyone has had a really straightforward experience from point A to point B, I'd love to know that secret.

In the meantime, I need some peace and calm. I get all nervous and jumpy about these things.

If only I can simply transport myself to the ocean, sink my toes in the sand, feel weightless in the water...

But since I can't do that, I'll post a picture instead.

Boracay, Philippines | December 2012

Despite having grown up in the tropics, the clarity of this water never fails to amaze me.

I'm praying for this same clarity right now... and reminding myself that I am absolutely privileged to be in this place. That I can pursue an education and the causes that are important to me, and find solutions to problems in ways that will positively impact issues I care about. I know people sometimes resist this notion of privilege for fear of appearing "high and mighty" or "more-than". On one hand, I think it's because there are those in positions of privilege that use power in the wrong ways or feel automatically entitled to certain things.

On the other hand, I think it's important for me to keep in mind that what I do now, where I am now... while certainly not privileged by way of material wealth or fancy titles (um, I call myself a doctoral slave if that gives you any idea!) - still puts me in a position of being able to change things. To make things better. Even in little ways. And that is a privilege.

One of my mentors said, "teaching is a privilege." It truly is. And so is this. So it's only right that I put forth quality work and strive to be the very best version of myself.

A. always gives me the best pep talks before "big days" like this one. A few minutes ago he said:

"We have a saying in India, 'No one can stop a rising sun.' YOU are a rising sun."

He's amazing like that. I am so incredibly thankful.

And for even more inspiration...

Image via Pinterest

 P.S. If the last few blog posts were any indication, I've been addicted to "pinning" inspirational words on Pinterest lately...

overcoming fear

image from Pinterest

I did it!

So last week I talked about trying Krav Maga. And last weekend, I gathered my guts and finally went to my first class.

Before I go any further... in case any of you are asking, "Krav Ma-wha???", here is a brief excerpt from the website:

"Krav Maga is the official self defense system of the Israeli Defense Forces, and has been taught to hundreds of law enforcement agencies and thousands of civilians in the United States.

Krav Maga is a simple, effective self defense system that emphasizes instinctive movements, practical techniques, and realistic training scenarios."

 
I was really nervous, I have to admit. The night before, I only got 4 hours of sleep (me and my overthinking again).  I almost chickened out and talked myself out of it that morning.

But I'm glad I didn't.

I have to say that this is unlike anything I've ever done before. I'm probably the most non-confrontational person and I don't think I have an aggressive bone in my body. I've always been somewhat adventurous, having tried various things like skydiving and wakeboarding and gotten certified in scuba diving (in my previous, more active life, that is). But I've never been into intense workouts, always preferring yoga, walking, and non-competitive swimming. I'm someone who loathes the gym and has never been a member in one, ever (not unless you count my childhood gymnastics gym, but that is different). Generally I'm not a fan of weights and counting reps and all that (ugh). What I do love, is movement, but I don't like it to feel like "exercise". 

But this is more than just exercise for me. It's self-defense, which as I've said before, I think everyone (especially women) should learn and feel confident in. It's not about being violent... it's about being safe. It's about keeping your promise to go home safely to the ones you love.

I knew I was pretty out of shape, and I am definitely feeling it now. I went to class over the weekend, and now it's Tuesday and I'm still sore.

Needless to say, my routine weekend baking did not happen. And neither did my boatload of laundry, as I stare at the full basket and wishing it would just magically get done.

But all that said... my first class was an empowering experience. The place is owned by a woman (who also taught the Level 1 class I attended). She is quite petite, but she is strong. So, there's hope for me!

It's amazing what happens when you set an intention to do something. It could be anything - big or small. It could be something you're afraid to do.

So. I'm putting this out there and expressing my commitment.

How about you - do you keep a list of intentions? What's on your list?

student for life

So I'm supposed to be on spring break this week. But only in theory. It feels like I haven't stopped working... and I'm exhausted.

Finally had a quick break and thought I'd stop in here...

I'm often asked what I want to do after I graduate. It's funny because as wonderful as finishing (finally) would be, life outside of school can be scary. Every new degree takes you further into your career, and life after a PhD sounds... intimidating. I'm not quite sure yet what I'll do. I know what I don't want to do, but I'm certainly getting ideas as to what I would enjoy doing given the opportunities I have now to try my hand at certain things, like consulting.

All that said... if I had a choice I would really want to keep on learning. I want to be a student in some way for life. I know that sounds weird, but perhaps it's my desire for kaizen, as in my manifesto here.

I started making a list of all the (other) things I want to learn...

1. How to speak Hindi conversationally. Meaning not just the words for food so I can order a meal in Hindi in India or at an Indian restaurant (which I can do). Apparently I mistakenly impressed my mother-in-law when we first talked on the phone years ago and I rattled off the Hindi words for Indian dishes. Except I couldn't really carry on a real conversation as I may have led her to believe! I'm hoping that being bilingual already (Filipino and English) and having learned other languages somewhat (French and Spanish, in college) offers an advantage - at least in terms of language-learning readiness -  but there are just some Hindi sounds that are difficult for me because I did not grow up hearing or being exposed to those sound combinations. It's so true how they say babies are "citizens of the world" and their brains are ready to learn any language, but all that changes as they get older and especially in adulthood. But never say never!

2. Photography. I still haven't taken any formal classes, and I do want to learn the technical aspect of taking pictures. I did download some tutorials and e-books and such, but I'm embarrassed to say I haven't really dug into them yet. I'm still neck-deep (or maybe over my head is more accurate) in educational research, for my day job(s).

3. Krav Maga or some other self-defense training. I love NCIS and think Ziva David kicks ass with her Krav Maga moves. I even named my car Ziva. :) Just like reverse parking skills (which I'm proud to say I've been doing almost for as long as I've been driving), I think every woman should know how to defend herself in some way. Krav Maga is designed for practical, real-world self-defense, unlike other martial arts. I just can't believe it's taken me this long to gather my guts and do it. There's a training center about a half hour from where I live, and they have classes on Saturday mornings. There goes my lazy Saturday mornings (or crazy-baking mornings), but I think it will be so worth it. 

4.  Total Immersion swimming. I remember putting this on my list years ago, when I still lived in Cincinnati and discovered there was a TI instructor in Cleveland! And now I'm living here, and I still haven't gotten into it. I love swimming - it's like meditation in motion for me, but I'm sad to say it has been on the back burner as well. But this friend has really inspired me to get back into the water.

5. Other random things, like calligraphy. I know -  I sound like I'm all over the place, but really I want to learn this too. As much as I love the digital age, the old-fashioned ways appeal to me as well.

It's funny how I list all these and yet feel so exhausted with my main job(s) that I don't know when I'll get to these "other" stuff. But, a girl can dream. And work. One thing at a time.

image via Pinterest

recovering

I don't know about you, but somehow it's taking me longer than usual to bounce back after a weekend of traveling.

I recall how, a few years ago, I traveled from Cincinnati --> New Jersey --> Columbus --> Kent --> Cincinnati --> Asheville --> Cincinnati in maybe... um, a week and a half. It felt like the Amazing Race. I'm sure other people travel way more than I do (how they do it is beyond me), but to me that was a lot. And yet, back then, I recovered quickly and was at work the very next day back. Somehow it's not happening for me now anymore, even after just traveling for one weekend to Cincinnati and Lexington. I was sleepy all day. I was so tired I skipped yoga class (not a class that I teach, but attend). My Monday night yoga class is not withing walking distance, and I felt like I was in a daze. Which meant I should NOT be driving, even for yoga.

Yesterday I tried to spend some time away from the Internet and mobile devices in the hopes of gaining some clarity on some thoughts I've been having. I'm not quite there yet... it really takes a lot of practice and focus to be able to sit quietly with yourself.

Meanwhile, my mind is spinning. There are so many things I want to write about.

Barefoot Works yoga studio, Lexington, KY. A happy, light-filled place.

An amazing yoga workshop last weekend in Sharon's lovely yoga treehouse. Learning how to teach yoga in ways that are supportive and therapeutic for each person's individual anatomy. Observing students with curiosity and compassion.

Getting out of my head (and all the doubting talk) and back in my body through yoga.

Sensations of floating unsupported to feeling fully supported and grounded, physically and energetically. Amazed at how the body just knows what is true.

And how yoga brings me back to that truth. Something I'm re-learning after my yoga plateau phase a few years ago. (Contrary to popular belief that people who practice yoga are always so zen and blissed-out. But maybe I'm the exception to the norm.)

And other random things like thinking about this article that poses a question on the effects of our Internet use and another article on sacred space.

Great times being reunited with my old friends EB, ML, and this couple, and talking until 4:30 in the morning with this friend - about food and art and friendship and finding our voice as women in society. Pretty heavy stuff. Really good stuff. (Thanks, AS.)

Sunset views from EB's rooftop and an evening walk in a tree-lined street. 

Sky over Lexington

Cracking the code of awesome Ethiopian food. I know. It isn't really a code. But that's how I feel about my cooking moments of triumph. :) Will write more on that soon.

And the thought that has taken up much of my brain energy and taken over my emotions lately: how my realization that the kitchen is where I am fearless actually has me feeling... afraid. Afraid that I'm not doing the right thing in my life right now. Even the thought of finally putting that in words right here is scary. Because I'm scared that maybe this is my truth. Scared that I've invested so much in something else when I have been skirting around my truth all these years. And at the same time not quite being 100% sure what is my truth - because isn't there a reason that things happen? A reason that opportunities knock? And isn't graduate school the reason I came here in the first place?

Scared to give up when I'm actually pretty close to the finish. And yet also fearful because those last few miles in a marathon are the hardest (not that I've ever run one and would want to run one, but you know what I mean). Wondering whether I should keep plowing through knowing that this happens to everyone... right? ABD ("all but dissertation") folks out there?

Scared because of that old voice from my childhood/adolescence, that I'm not as good a "finisher" as I am a "starter". And how that's showing up as patterns in my life, as hard as that is to admit. Hmmm... another symptom of vata imbalance? But despite that, I've done and completed many other things I've set out to do.

Scared about the truth in A.'s observation and insight about me, when I had a little (?) meltdown last week. That it may not be the situation that is my true enemy, but my way of thinking. And worrying.

Scared about whether I can be at peace with my decision, whatever it is.

Ok, so that was more than what I intended to disclose today. I know it probably sounds a little cryptic. But I had to write it for me.

Over and out.

balance and nourishment

I've started to feel overwhelmed lately.

I sat down and listed my to-do's for the next 6 months and the rest of the year and I almost went into a semi-panic, looking at my list of at least 5 big projects, all of which have to do with my academic life.

So I got up and made some soup.

(Recipe to follow later... it was REALLY good, by the way).

But such is my defense mechanism. Cooking and creating soothe my nerves, and provide me with some grounding and centering. An opportunity to breathe.

Then I went back to work.

Before I go on, I have a feeling that this will be a long blog post. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately... mostly on my professional/academic life. It must be because I've been working on my academic portfolio for the past several days. But anyway...

In thinking about my defense mechanism/stress relief (a.k.a. my compulsive, I-have-to-do-it-now stress-cooking sprees), I went back to thinking about my word for this year. In my journal, I wrote that the word I want to encapsulate 2011 to be BALANCE/BALANCED. Last year (2010) was about COURAGE and INSPIRATION, to tackle the many challenges ahead. 2009 was about TAKING ACTION, because it was a year of opportunity, decision-making, and transitions. I do like thinking of my big words for the year.

But I was led to think about how I want to achieve BALANCE: a BALANCED state of mind, body, and soul.

Why BALANCE? I started thinking about how I love balancing poses.

Tree pose, New Hampshire, Summer 2006

photo by Dad

Tree pose, Maryland, Fall 2008

photo by Minnie

I do love balancing poses. I don't mean that I never fall out of them -- I do, just depending on the day -- but I still love them. Maybe it's my dominant vata dosha in my personality in need of grounding, or my childhood gymnastics aspirations. I love all the elements that make up a balancing pose like tree or half-moon, or my favorite, dancer pose.

Dancer pose, Cincinnati, Summer 2006

photo by Jen

Dancer pose, Cleveland, Winter 2010

 

The centering of focus, the attention to the breath, the feeling of strength and stillness coming from deep in your core. The feeling of integration: integration of breath, mind, and body, the integration of subtle movement and peaceful stillness. The integration of process/effort and form/outcome, no matter what the outcome is -- whether it's gracefully achieving the pose you sought out to do, or modifying it, or falling out of it...gracefully, or not. It's all ok.

In my senior year of college, my best friend of 20+ years wrote these words to describe me: "a pillar of quiet strength." Words I hold very dearly. When I feel good in an asana practice, when I feel in tune with my body and mind, that is how it feels: Quiet strength.

So how do I take these lessons of balance and integration into my life?

To do that, I didn't set out to make a list of new year's resolutions in the manner of writing "things" to do. I didn't want to make a list of to-do's, only to abandon them by February. I find that I'm constantly reflecting, planning, and re-evaluating my choices throughout the year anyway. So instead, I wrote first about the things that throw me off balance:

• Poor sleeping habits
• Not enough vegetables
• Not enough movement, or too much
• Not enough sunshine and fresh air
• Not enough creativity
• Not enough quiet time
• Not enough community...and by that I don't necessarily mean always being part of an organized, structured group... but to me it could mean an enjoyable conversation with one person, a few persons, or several
• Not enough chocolate (I know, I know.... *wink*)

Ironically, in this day and age of gadgets and gizmos and technology in all shapes, sizes, and forms, all the things that I need for balance are really just basic things. Well, almost, depending on how you classify chocolate. :)

So how do I address those things that throw me off balance? Instead of writing a list of WHAT to do, I wrote about the HOW. How I'm going to do things, and how I'm not going to do things.

I came up with this list:

• To do, not overdo.
• To strive for excellence, not perfection.
• To nourish and be nourished.

The words NOURISH and BE NOURISHED leaped out of the page. I suddenly remembered that the words "Nourish your life" were on my vision board which I created in 2008.

It's funny how words come back. It must mean something.

I reflected on the words some more, thinking about how they are, or can be at work in my life. Nourish your life. Nourish. Be nourished.

So it's no secret that I love, love, LOVE to cook...

 (Joy in the kitchen... bad hair day and all :) My brother took this surprise photo of me while I was preparing food for my 28th birthday dinner.)

And I love, love, LOVE to eat...

(Cutting into my flourless chocolate cake (thanks to this friend) on my 28th birthday, which was in... gulp... 2007. This was an evening of pure joy.)

...because cooking nourishes others, as it does myself. I love it when I make a great dish, unplanned, out of random ingredients I have in the pantry and refrigerator. I love it when I revise others' recipes and make it to my own liking. I love the ease in cooking, the slowness of it. The simplicity, or complexity of a dish, to suit your mood. The creativity of improvisation. The act of waiting, the element of anticipation and surprise. The combination of artfulness and precision of technique (ok, so I felt like an impostor saying that, not being professionally trained...) that results in a pretty baked treat. The memories attached to certain kinds of food. Yes, I fully attest to being an emotional eater... and I will assert that being an emotional eater -- in the way I described above -- is not necessarily a bad thing. I've said over and over again how being in the kitchen is therapy for me. And I love sharing this joyful experience by sharing a meal with a friend, or a few, or a big group... or gifting someone with homemade treats.

But more than that, I'm thinking of nourishment beyond the physical sense. Thinking about how I can nourish and be nourished in my academic life, my work life, my personal life. I think that is how I can achieve balance and be balanced.

And I realize....

To nourish someone else's learning, I need to nourish my own. I was trained as an early childhood educator, and in my years of teaching I have always felt the need to find ways to re-energize myself, to refill my cup, so to speak, so that I can face the next day and give my renewed energy. I've always found teaching not just physically or mentally challenging, but emotionally challenging as well... especially when working with special populations of children and families. I learned, though experience, that I need to prevent myself from being emotionally burned out so that I can still be effective as a teacher. Now, I am no longer working with children directly, but I am teaching adults. Being new to the world of college teaching, I am constantly second-guessing myself. Did I do enough? Did I communicate effectively? Did I model the same level of preparedness and professionalism as I expect from students? Did I evaluate students' work fairly? Did I support students' learning? Was I flexible enough to respond to students' needs, while still remaining consistent in my expectations? Did I share at least one thing that will make an impact on their professional lives? And most importantly: Did I honor each student's self-esteem and personhood?

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, as I usually am. It's still a work in progress. I understand that this is a growing process. Instead, I am finding ways to nourish my own learning and growth. Whether it's doing research on effective teaching practices (yes... nerdy, I know... but such is the life in academia), or reflecting on my teaching. Whether it's talking to a peer going through the same experiences, or seeking mentoring from someone more experienced than I. I realize that all these are sources of nourishment.

To nourish someone else's spirit, I need to nourish my own. To exercise love and compassion toward others, I need to practice those same qualities towards myself. That means...

• To do, not overdo (yes, I said it again... I think I need to constantly repeat these words to myself. Stubborn me.).
• To work hard, and rest well
• To set high standards for myself, while being gentle and forgiving towards mistakes
• To learn from mistakes, and also reward myself for a job well done
• To set my own standards based on what I value as important, meaningful, and nourishing to myself and others. This is, and will be, a big challenge... because I am at a phase in my professional life in which it's all about meeting external standards and satisfying other people's expectations to get through. It is a PhD program, after all. I obviously need to think about this one some more...
• To immerse myself 100% in the process, but practice acceptance and non-attachment toward the results. In yogic/Sanskrit terminology, non-attachment is "vairagya". Oooh... that will be another challenge. I will have to remember the lessons from my asana practice of balancing poses: focused practice in the process, but acceptance and non-attachment towards the outcome.
• To be generous of my time and my gifts, while allowing myself time and opportunities to give "gifts" to myself. Not material gifts, but time for activities like writing/journaling/reflecting, time for movement and meditation, and time for art and creativity.

So, the big words for 2011: BALANCE and NOURISHMENT. Let's see how this year unfolds...

new year, new adventure, newfound courage

So this is a somewhat delayed New Year blog post... but I had been busy over the New Year weekend. I went down to Cincinnati and helped my good friend and her husband pack their apartment to move to New York City. Of course, I was tasked with packing up the kitchen. ;-)

What a timely way to move - what better than to have a fresh start, a new beginning, at the start of the new year?

My friend joked to me, "Why is it that at least one of us is always in boxes?"

 my move in 2006

It's true. Most of her belongings will be going to a storage unit temporarily as she will be staying with an aunt in the city before they find a place. Going from a spacious 3-bedroom unit in a mid-size Midwestern city to an apartment in Manhattan is no joke.

Similarly, since November of last year, many of my belongings have also been in storage (thanks to my brother's large basement) while I am living the student life again.

I wonder if this is a sign that we'll never really get settled too long in any one place. Granted, this friend of mine has been moving and traveling pretty much all her life. I stayed in one place in my home country for most of my life, but traveled after I "came of age" at 24 when I first moved here for graduate school in 2003.

As much as I long to lay down roots and feel settled in a place and in a community, the call of adventure and opportunity is always there. It knocks, it beckons, it shakes me to my core until all I can hear in my gut is, "JUST GO."

It's the call of a dream -- a dream that tugs at your heart and soul, wanting to be fulfilled. It's the call of your inner voice, wanting something more, knowing that you are capable of surprising yourself. It's the call of a secret passion, whatever that may be, wanting to come alive. It doesn't matter if the dream comes to fruition overnight (which it almost never does) or if the dream unfolds slowly -- but we are called to take action, bit by bit, no matter how small... as a sculptor slowly works on a stone or piece of wood, chipping away at it until it finally becomes a work of art. And the art here is not just in the product, but in the process -- as it is in life.

It's an invitation to be courageous.

And how interesting that the root word of courage is from the Latin "cor"/"cour", which means "heart" (hence "coeur" = "heart" in French). In a TED talk by Brene Brown, she defines courage in this sense as "to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." It's the courage to be passionate, vulnerable, and imperfect... even when life is scary.

"bleeding hearts" flowers, Asheville NC, 2009

Another friend of mine shared this excerpt with me a few years ago, and I thought now is a good time to share it.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman, writer and artist

And my New Year wish for you and me is: May you find courage to wholeheartedly live out your story.

authenticity

I've been reflecting on this notion of authenticity. My reading has led me to the work of Dr. Brene Brown, an author, speaker, and research professor who studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Here are her big questions:

"How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?" (http://www.brenebrown.com/welcome)

Wow. After writing a blog post a few months ago on using a mantra "I am enough" to reduce my anxiety and worry, I got goosebumps after reading that question.  Someone is actually studying this? And not just studying it, but writing and speaking about it? I felt this sudden realization that I am not alone in my ramblings. I felt a sudden sense of connection. It was like Dr. Brown was speaking directly to me. Because the reality I believe is that we are all somehow connected within our personal journeys. It's what makes us human.

I also viewed her TED conference video on vulnerability and authenticity. Her talk was so heartfelt and insightful, yet lighthearted and funny. The last slide in her presentation brought tears to my eyes. Watch it here:

In her website I came across this postcard of writings by Dr. Brown. It was like a personal message. A friend of mine calls it "God Winks".

You can download your Authenticity 4x6 card (for free) from Brene Brown's website. Click here!

Some thoughts I will be thinking about before the new year...

• How do I define and practice authenticity in my own life? 
• How can I balance being authentic AND productive (i.e., in my work)? Can these two qualities work together compatibly?
• How can I be most authentic in my relationships with others? In my inner/spiritual life? In my professional life? 
• How do I let myself be vulnerable, so that I can also be compassionate to myself and others?

Happy New Year everyone! Here's to our own journeys towards our most authentic selves in 2011.

yoga thought for the day: post-holiday reflecting

After the frenzy of the holiday rush and traveling, I am happy to get settled back into my routine. I loved my short-but-sweet visit with my family in the East Coast, seeing my nephews and niece, and spending a fun, relaxing weekend with (some of) my loved ones. Perhaps someday, my whole big family -- now living far apart -- can spend Christmas together. 

I'm thankful that we did not get caught in the recent East Coast blizzard, and that we were able to fly back here in the nick of time.

The day after Christmas, I tend to enjoy my quiet moments. Moments in which I can look back and reflect on the year.

I came across this quote in an article:

"Behind every inner block, every painful feeling, every surge of resentment, is a bit of life force waiting to be freed." - Sally Kempton

What a great thought to ponder on as we prepare to usher in the new year.  What are the inner blocks I am holding? What resentments do I have that I want to let go of and not carry with me into the new year? How can I let go of these to free up some of that "life force", so that I can put in more energy towards the people and things I love and value, the things that lead me to my highest, most authentic self?

questions to think about

As I wrote in previous posts, I have been revisiting my journal from last year. I came across this list of questions that I reflected on when I was going through some major decision making. I wish I can tell you the original source, but unfortunately I did not cite the source when I haphazardly jotted down the questions.

Anyway...

• How does this desire fit in with my greater priorities?
• Is it beneficial to other people as well as to myself?
• Will following this desire hurt me or others?
• What will I have to give up if I follow this desire?
• Does it take me closer to my higher Self, or will it create more barriers between my soul and myself?
• What will I have to give up if I don't follow it?
• What do I really want by getting what I want?

I thought these were great questions for thinking through decisions and transitions. (I left the Excel spreadsheet of pros and cons to my dad whose mind works well through numbers.)

How about you? What helps you make decisions? 

growing

Recently I've started feeling this pressing need to go through my email inbox. I tend to be very sentimental, and I keep emails the way I used to keep handwritten letters. Going through my inbox, re-reading emails from all the way back in 2004/2005 (YES I know I'm very behind in cleaning my inbox) has been quite an experience. It's interesting to re-visit where I've come from. It was like re-reading a journal of sorts. Looking back is also important to see how much I've grown. How my thinking has changed, how my horizons and worldview have widened, and how my resulting self-awareness has increased over the years. What a journey it's been!

I came across an old email that I wrote to a friend in September 2006 when I had come to terms with loss, after a difficult year. In that email, I quoted Martin Buber, whose writing we studied years ago in my philosophy courses at the university I attended back home. Buber wrote a book, "I and Thou", and in a nutshell, his philosophy of human existence is about engaging with each other on a spiritual level, in a way that affirms the other person's whole being. (Of course, he articulated it way better than that). He wrote:

Every I-Thou encounter is destined to come to an end; every person who was present in full self-creation and freedom is destined to slip back into the world of It—the world where we recognize one another as bodies and personalities, where we experience and interpret one another through concepts of mind.

     But the rich experiences of being present with other persons of spirit are not canceled by their termination. And we can always be open to new encounters on the level of spirit.

     It is a gift to recognize spirit in other persons. When an I-Thou encounter happens, we may wish to 'freeze' the moment, to make that being present with each other last forever.
     Such flashes of encounter might be like noticing a butterfly: If we grasp the butterfly, we destroy it. We can only rejoice that we are present to appreciate the butterfly for as long as it wants to stay. In memory we can treasure moments of I-Thou encounter. And if we remember where we saw the butterfly before, we can attempt to return to that 'place', hoping for another moment of spiritual encounter.

- Martin Buber

The things that keep us growing....

Oh, and at the end of that email, I wrote: "I'M BACK!"

go big or go home

 Photo: My first skydive, taken by Start Skydiving

"Go big or go home."

I've been attending an intermediate flow yoga for the past few weeks, and this seems to be the instructor's favorite motto.

I love it though. It's all about giving your all. It's about passion.

She leads us through a challenging sequence of standing poses, and we hold warrior pose on one side throughout several variations, with 3-5 breaths per pose. Warrior I, hold. Warrior I with arms behind, hands clasped and fingers interlaced, expand chest. Bow forward into Devotional Warrior. Back to Warrior I. Warrior I to Warrior II. Warrior II to Reverse Warrior. Reverse Warrior to Extended Side Angle. Extended Side Angle with a half bind or full bind. Oh, and she might throw in Half Moon too. And yes, about 3-5 LONG breaths for each pose. Without switching sides or to the other leg in between any of those lunge poses. At one point the instructor even sat on one yogini's thigh while she was in warrior. (Thank goodness it wasn't me.)

Towards the end of this sequence, my right thigh is shaking, and finally I feel like giving up. I let out a loud "WHEW!" And she says, "Go big or go home!"

And sometimes that's all it takes - a little encouragement, a friendly push to find your edge.... then finally, we go through a vinyasa to rest in Downward Dog for about 5 breaths. I tell you, after that sequence, that Down Dog is the best Down Dog ever.

Then we switch to Warrior on the left and do the same sequence all over again.

"Go big or go home."

At the end, it feels great though. To know that I've given my all. Pushed myself to find my edge... not to be competitive with others or with myself (ok, maybe a just a little competitive with myself...), but to reach that point of a little discomfort in order to grow stronger...while recognizing that it's ok to lose my balance from my Half Moon pose. I don't have to judge myself when I fall; I just accept it. I can get back up and try again. Recognizing that someone is there to help you stretch just a little bit further - not too much, but just enough. Just enough for the challenge to be right for you at that moment. 

And isn't that what we do in life, anyway? We dream, and we dream big. We push ourselves beyond our comfort zones, to know what we're capable of. But we also forgive ourselves when we fall and make mistakes. We can accept help and support. We also accept periods of rest, and when we do, the rest is so deliciously blissful... much like the Downward Dogs after the challenging standing sequence. And in this state, we know that we are stronger for it, and that we made every moment count.

Go big or go home!



* The Yoga Journal website is a great resource for photos of yoga poses. Click here.

looking ahead, part 2

Photo credit: EyesOpenWide

In looking ahead towards the new year, I also have to look back at the year that has been.

2009 was a year of incredible opportunity. It was also a year of transition and somewhat life-changing decisions, some of which were slightly painful. But when opportunity presents itself, there is so much potential to grow. And growth hurts sometimes.

I had to choose between staying in a full-time job (which I loved) that gave me the sense of security that comes with having a regular source of income and benefits, and an opportunity for full-time, (almost) fully-funded doctoral studies in a different city. It meant going away from what has been my home for 6 years, away from my friends who have become like family. It meant a meager stipend instead of a full-time salary (let's be honest here: we all have bills to pay). It meant a different lifestyle, a different routine from what I have been used to. It meant a lot of hours of working alone. I've heard people say, "The doctoral program, especially the dissertation, can be a very lonely place."

The idea of going back to school full-time was a little scary, I admit. It wasn't the most convenient decision... nor was it the most cost-effective decision. It required me to move out of my comfort zone. It required some sacrifice. But it also held the promise of the growth that I so wanted. In my full-time job, I felt secure for practical reasons, but I also felt restless. I felt like a plant that wanted to outgrow its pot. Abraham Maslow, a psychology theorist, wrote: "You will either step forward into growth or you will step back into safety." Very wise.

Somehow I think this photo captures the idea of "stepping back" vs "stepping forward"

There was a lot to consider in my decision-making, but in the end, it all boiled down to that inner voice that grew louder and louder, saying, "JUST GO."

I am a believer of the idea that nothing happens by chance. There is no coincidence. There was a reason that this opportunity knocked. I just "randomly" (or so I thought) found this doctoral program through the Internet. When I looked into it more and sought more information, it seemed that it was the answer to my restlessness. Had I decided to stay within my comfort zones, I would have stayed with the doctoral program I had already started and worked on part-time for the past 2 years. When I think about it, I could have NOT found this other program. I could have NOT been accepted. I could have NOT been given a graduate assistantship. But all those things DID happen. There is a reason.

Anais Nin stated, "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (Got this from a delightful little book entitled Bloom)

So despite some fears and anxieties, I stepped forward into growth. It was time.

And now I am here. After months of being in transition, nervously waiting for things to happen that were beyond my control (like whether my student visa was going to be approved by the USCIS or not). Then finally, it all worked out. I look back at the patterns of changes and transitions in my life, and many of them required WAITING. Many, if not all of them, worked out on the 11th hour. I call it "my photo-finish life" because things fall into place in the nick of time. A friend of mine once corrected me and said, "It's not a photo-finish life. It's a 'perfect timing' life." I like that. True enough, when I received my USCIS approval, it couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

The period of waiting really teaches me to be patient. And to let go. And to trust that things DO work out, after you've done all the work. It is a hard lesson to learn, one which I have not fully learned.

And that was my 2009...

So. 2010. A new year to step forward into growth. How am I going to grow this year?

A couple of years ago, I joined a retreat, and we did some fun artsy work. I created something like a "vision board" of affirmations, reminders, and dreams.


Here are some phrases from my vision board:

Go with your gut.

Teach to learn.

Improve our world.

Create, play, and care. It's a way of life.

Be adventurous. Be amazed.

Nourish your life.

Be peaceful.

Wow. It seems like that sums up my will-do's for the year. I'm calling them will-do's and not to-do's. I think saying "will-do's" makes me more accountable. To myself, and to others. They are not necessarily discrete and separate resolutions that you can check off a list and be done with them -- I like to think of them more as reminders to make more conscious choices every day.

Looking at my vision board 2 years after I created it, I reflect on how those words and images are speaking to me now.

Go with your gut. Someone once said to me, "Trust your instincts. Nine out of ten times, your instincts are right." When faced with a decision, I need to find time to quiet my mind and be in tune with my intuition. There is wisdom there. Many times I find myself worrying and stressing out unnecessarily over something, when really, I already know the answer. I could have avoided all that negative energy (and nights of tossing and turning) by just trusting in what I know.

Teach to learn. This year I will be teaching, though in a different capacity. I am no longer teaching young children, but I will be assisting in/co-teaching some college and graduate level classes as part of my graduate assistantship work. I believe that I learn so much when I teach. I learn to step outside of myself. I learn about other people, and about meeting other people's needs. I learn to be flexible. I learn to plan for a variety of learners. I learn to communicate better.

Improve our world. Oooh, that is a loaded one. At this time, I am not in a place in my life where I can join the Peace Corps. So I will have to break it down into smaller actions. I don't know what they are yet though. Volunteer to teach yoga? Join a campus or community organization? Note to self: do some research on this one. But they can be even smaller actions - picking up a piece of trash on the street. Giving someone a sincere compliment or affirmation. Calling or writing an old friend. Greeting and thanking the grocery store checkout person by name. Every word I say and choice I make can have a positive or negative effect. Do my choices create positive energy? Or does it lower my energy and that of others?

Create, play, and care. It's a way of life. In what ways can I "create" this year? I feel that my hobbies have taken a backseat to other, bigger priorities. How can I balance the creative and the cerebral? In what ways will I "play"? And in what ways will I "care"? Hmmm... It seems that I can do all 3 of these when I cook or bake. It's such a creative, enjoyable process. Food is always a way to care for and nourish another person - not just in the physical sense. OK, not that I need any more excuses to cook...

Be adventurous. Be amazed. Well, I'm in a new city! Who knows what adventures lie ahead? One thing that comes to mind is that since I am now closer to a body of water, I might learn to windsurf on the lake this summer. :) (Note to self: Start swimming laps again!) But adventure and amazement are not limited to high-adrenaline activities. Amazement and wonder is everywhere. I just have to be open.

Nourish your life. I will be faced with many stresses this year. A hard lesson for me to learn is to find balance. I need to find ways to nourish my soul so I don't burn out. Nurturing friendships, old and new. Yoga. Cooking projects. Small doses of art. Photography. Writing. I'll take lessons from this friend and make a weekly appointment to "show up for myself."

Be peaceful. Another loaded one. In what ways can I think, speak, and act peacefully? This statement can cover so much - lessening my environmental footprint (note to self: hop on the campus shuttle more!), being more conscious of my food choices and where my food comes from, being more compassionate in my interactions with others and following the three-fold rule of "Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?" before I speak. And -- this is a difficult one -- being more forgiving towards myself.

Let's see how this year turns out... meanwhile, I have my vision board in a highly visible place in my bedroom so I can see my reminders every day.

Here's to another year and another chance to evolve into more balanced, more genuine, and more compassionate versions of ourselves.

looking ahead

Photo credit: EyesOpenWide

Don't just go through life, grow through life. Don't just be good, be good for something and someone. Goodness heightens beauty. Become who you are, who you were meant to be. Seek out knowledge and experience. The more we see, the more we are capable of seeing. The more we do, the more we are capable of doing.

If you want to change, begin it. If you want love, give it. If you want hope, embody it. Start immediately and do it flamboyantly. Once you've begun, don't turn back. Change and growth can be painful and challenging at times, but as Lauren Bond said, "Every flower has to go through a lot of dirt."

Life is about choices, growth, and taking chances. It is about pushing through and moving forward. It is about loving courageously and not holding back. It is about finding a brighter, better way. You owe it to yourself and to the world to make the most out of the stuff that's in you.

Bloom into your incredibly, gloriously, brilliantly beautiful self. The world is waiting.

- Excerpt from Bloom, Kobi Yamada & Kristel Wills (eds.), 2006. For more info on the book, click here.

photo taken in Cincinnati on November 2009 -
thought it was an unlikely bloom during late fall

change, growth, new beginnings, and all that good stuff

I MADE IT!!!!

I finally made it to Kent State University. After a long 3 months of stress-cooking, non-sleeping, and nail-biting, waiting for the approval for my change of status (student visa) with the CIS.

So I can only say, THANK YOU. To the higher power and universal energy that presents wonderful opportunities such as this one. To my awesome family and dear friends who supported me throughout my time of reflecting, thinking, and decision-making (complete with the Excel spreadsheet of pros and cons and the point system - thanks, Dad), and The Big Move (you know who you are). To those I called on the phone at odd times of the day so that I could cry and release my stress.

It's been a couple of weeks now and I'm slowly getting settled in... it's an adjustment at first, but I know this will be good. Even if this wasn't an easy decision, perhaps I always knew in my gut that this IS a good decision. This was the answer to the unrest I was feeling in my previous situation. Change is hard, but Change is necessary, when you need room to grow.

But leaving is always bittersweet. Cincinnati has been home to me for 6 years! I have come to know and love the city. For its old charm. Its art. Its best-kept secrets. The little pockets of places with a strong local vibe and increasingly-progressive thinking. And most of all, for its people...people I have built wonderful friendships with. Warm, generous people who have "adopted" me as their daughter, their sister. THANK YOU.

I read this quote in a photographer's blog:
We leave small pieces of ourselves everywhere we go, but take so much in exchange along with us, to keep us warm, to keep us amazed, and growing. Change is a blessing. It reminds me, always, of the uncanny ability of this universe to keep surprising me.
- Vincent Mounier



So many choices, so many opportunities. Places to see, people to meet, flavors to smell and taste. Challenges to experience and overcome. Things to dream about. Moments to live with wonder and amazement. To all that, I say YES.