little milestones

So happy that the sun is out today!!! Even if it snowed here all weekend, I am so happy with the thought that spring is just around the corner... hope the sun is shining there too, wherever you are...

The past few weeks have felt like a marathon of sorts, work-wise. Surprisingly, things seem to have settled down by the end of last week. Last Saturday, I did have one work-related conference call on my schedule in the morning. After it ended, I actually said to A., (but really, more to myself), "I'm not going to work anymore today."

This may not sound earth-shattering to you, but it felt like a breakthrough to me. A little milestone. To actually say it out loud: "I am done working today" and then turn off my laptop, and not obsess about work-related emails the rest of the day. And more importantly, to not feel guilty about it. Because feeling guilty about not working keeps me from fully enjoying periods of rest.

This time, it felt really, really good. 

Do you have trouble "turning off" or letting go of work on weekends? Or are you able to set boundaries between work and rest? I'd love to know.

sleep props

Ever since I was a teenager, sleep has been something that always evaded me. I think it all started when I discovered Sidney Sheldon novels that would keep me up at night.

And now, 15+ years later, it still haunts me. Not Sidney Sheldon, but the trouble falling asleep.

Working from home (most of the time) certainly has its advantages, including working in pajamas. Well, it could be an advantage or disadvantage, depending on how you look at it. But one clear disadvantage, for me at least, is that it's been very difficult for me to just leave work behind the way you would when you physically leave an office outside of your home.

I haven't been great at structuring my work hours, which is largely the problem.

But I try. 

I start with turning off my laptop at least 30 minutes before I going to bed - ideally an hour, but sometimes I end up turning it off before I accomplish what I needed to accomplish, and so I end up tossing and turning - and then I get up anyway to either get it done or put it on my list.

I also stopped bringing the iPad into the bedroom with me. This was tough, but it had to be done. I am doing everything in my power to NOT get addicted to Kindle. They say that screens from electronic devices stimulate your eyes the way sunshine does, which makes it even harder for the brain to recognize that it's time to rest.

Then I turn on my sleep playlist or the nature sounds app on my iPhone.

And then I take one 500-mcg dose of melatonin, the lowest available dose. I still don't know what to do about this long-term. I don't take it on the weekends to give my body a break - just so I don't start feeling dependent on it, physically and psychologically.

Then my bedtime routine begins...

My husband gets amused with all the props I use and surround myself with to help me drift off into sleep. Well, because normally I don't quite "drift off" into sleep effortlessly and blissfully.

 

 Clockwise from left:

Badger sleep balm, Indu aromatherapy lotion and spray, Origins "Bedtime Hug", and Blessings, a book of affirmations/meditations by Julia Cameron. Photos from each product's website.

The Badger sleep balm is scented with natural essential oils - lavender and bergamot - my favorite scents! I rub this on my temples, and sometimes the back of my neck and shoulders, giving myself a mini-massage. I love how the website says it's for "restless wanderers"!

The Indu aromatherapy lotion and spray is amazing. It's made by a local yoga teacher here in Cleveland. I just order it by email and pick it up at her house. It's also made with essential oils such as lavender, geranium, and other soothing scents. This hands-down the best lotion ever. I apply the lotion on my hands, and spray some of the aromatherapy spray on my pillow.

The Origins "Bedtime Hug" was a gift from a good friend of mine a few years ago, and it's holding up well. It's like a little pillow, scented with - yes, you guessed it - lavender essential oil - and you can dampen it then warm it slightly in the microwave. So comforting on my back or even on on my belly. It's got a little weight to it, and in the absence of sandbags to weigh myself down for calming purposes (don't judge - I've tried sandbags during a relaxation yoga class and it was amazing), this kind of does the trick.

Then I open up a book of meditations, just randomly, to any page - and on rotation is Julia Cameron's Blessings. Other books I have on my bedside table are 365 Yoga by Julie Rappaport, and The Secret Power of Yoga by Nischala Joy Devi. This helps replace all my work-related thoughts, so I end the day on a positive note. It sets the tone for gratitude, loving-kindness, and prayer.

                                

photo credit

They say that "sleep hygiene" is all about creating a comforting routine that signals to your brain that it's time to rest. Very occasionally I might soak in the bath with (yes, lavender) Epsom salts - but I don't always have the luxury of doing this every night. Somehow, my mind still goes back to the time I experienced growing up, when water was rationed, and sometimes I can't bear to fill up a tub with that much water so regularly.

But perhaps my mindset will change if my bathroom looked like this:

floating modern bathtub | photo credit

Ok, went off on a tangent there.

Another routine that A. and I have gotten into is... I know, this will sound a bit strange.... reading our horoscope! I was never into reading my horoscope. But let me tell you that the Indian horoscope is WAY more fun. A. reads it from this Indian website -- in Hindi, no less, and he translates it for me of course. It's actually not a bad thing that I can't read Hindi, because then I don't have to look at the screen and stimulate my eyes and brain again after ALL the things I do to get blissed out and ready for sleep. Thankfully A. has no trouble whatsoever falling asleep - he's great at just leaving work behind. We tend to giggle our way through our nightly horoscope reading. Now I don't know if A. translates everything accurately or not (especially if there are not-so-good things in that day's reading), but hey, I'll take it.

At this point I close my eyes, then settle into deepening and slowing down my breathing.

And at the risk of lavender growing out of me (which is quite plausible at the rate I'm going - were you ever told that joke when you were a kid, that if you accidentally swallow a seed it will start to sprout inside you until a plant grows from your body? Anyone? Ok, maybe not...), I fall asleep within a half hour - on a good day. 

photo credit

It's been a good couple of weeks now (almost), except for maybe a day or two. Much better than when I was falling asleep at 3 or 4 am, which led to me being really grumpy, having no appetite (GASP!), and worst of all, taking it out on my poor husband who is nothing but the kindest, gentlest, most loving soul to me.

And for him, I'll take the risk of having lavender grow out of my body.

permission to rest

So I've written about my so-called "issues" about rest before, like in this post.

It couldn't have been any clearer to me how I don't give myself full permission to rest when I realized I had been putting off a FREE massage for months.

On Valentine's Day this year, A. gifted me with a gift card for a 90-minute massage at a nearby massage place. Ninety minutes, friends. He even included a tip for the massage therapist in the gift card amount so I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I set it aside, thinking, "Oh, I'll save it for when I'm really tired." Really? What's up with that?

I had been putting off ninety blissful minutes. For nearly seven months. And for what?

Last week A. finally said to me, "I don't understand why you're saving it. First of all, on the day you find yourself really tired, you probably won't be able to get an appointment on the same day. Second of all, when you're really tired again, go get another massage!"

Forgive me for my writing about all these first world "problems". But I laugh as I realized the absurdity of my thinking sometimes.

It's interesting to me how much I've invested in my professional growth, whether for my day job or my other part-time job. I've invested in yoga training and workshops. Perhaps because it has to do with "work". But when it comes to my own well-being and rest so that I can then do the work better, I haven't invested as much.

To me, massages are like a luxury. But they are also an investment in wellness. (That's me trying to convince myself.) 

So after that conversation with A., I finally called the massage place and booked my appointment. Whatever my definition of "tired" was for that day.

And last Friday, I went. Spent ninety minutes of bliss on that massage table as the therapist worked the many kinks and knots out of my upper back and shoulders.
 
I just might get used to this.

Because sometimes, you just need to let it all go...

Like this cute little baby right here.

things I'm thinking about + sleep hygiene

"...that is what learning is.

You suddenly understand 

something you've understood all your life, 

but in a new way."

- Doris Lessing

The words above are from the book Transitions: Prayers and Declarations for a Changing Life by Julia Cameron.

Things I'm thinking about as I try to gain clarity on my future direction:

Our necessary path becomes clear.
Such breakthroughs into clarity can be shocking, even painful. 
What I now see is an uncomfortable truth.
I must change to accommodate my unsparing vision. 
- Julia Cameron, Transitions 

I felt goosebumps reading that. I think I'm still at a phase where I'm feeling - and resisting - that discomfort.

Meanwhile I'm trying to work on my insomnia. Those of you who experience this know how challenging it is. It's to the point where even breathing techniques have been frustrating, but then I realized that because of my frustration, I'm actually trying too hard to sleep, rather than letting myself fall asleep. And that's why it's been stressful.

One of the things I've started to commit to doing is improving my sleep hygiene. I've never heard it called that way up until recently, but it makes perfect sense.

One of the aspects of my sleep hygiene is to turn off or set aside electronics and anything with screens an hour before bedtime.

For many years I used to have light reading on my bedside table - usually books of meditations or reflections. Then for a long time I was in transition and many of my things (including non-academic books) were in storage. Over the past year or so I've finally felt more settled, but somehow I lost the habit of reading something light and positive before bed (instead of news and such on the iPad... yup, those dang screens...). Then I realized how much I miss books - actual books on paper - and how much they have helped me in the past.

So, along with my other "stuff" (much to the amusement of my husband), including aromatherapy spray and lotion (both made in Cleveland by a yoga instructor), as well as my Bedtime Hug, I took out my stack of favorite books.



From top:

Transitions: Prayers and Declarations for a Changing Life by Julia Cameron
Blessings: Prayers and Declarations for a Heartful Life by Julia Cameron
The Secret Power of Yoga by Nischala Joy Devi
365 Yoga: Daily Meditations by Julie Rappaport
(plus a notebook to write on)

In a couple of yoga classes I've attended, I got to try small sandbags over my body for relaxation. I know it sounds strange, but they are pretty amazing stuff. The additional ten pounds over me just eases me into a grounded, relaxed state, especially for someone like me who has difficulty "turning off" and needs a lot of grounding. I considered trying out these weighted sandbags for sleep, but then I wonder if perhaps I might develop a dependence or even a "tolerance" for all my props until such time that they no longer make that much of an impact. I think meditative books will always be a safe thing though, because it gives my mind something else (positive) to focus on and end the day with - at least until I can learn to let go of my thoughts. Because in the end, it's really all about the mind.

What do you do for your sleep hygiene?

resting like a child

In yoga, there is a pose or asana called "child's pose" - or in Sanskrit, balasana.

image source

It's one of the things I look forward to the most in a yoga class or my own yoga practice. Child's pose is a resting pose - so during a guided yoga class the teacher might lead the group to rest in child's pose or to let you know that you can come to child's pose anytime you want to rest.

There are many ways to modify and customize this pose to suit the needs of your body at any given time, depending on what feels good to you. Hands by the hips or outstretched past the head. Knees together or apart. Placing blankets or pillows under the torso. Whatever's comfortable is how it should be for you.

Sometimes, a five-minute child's pose is my yoga practice for the day. Just being honest.

But there's something refreshing about coming back to this fetal position, in a way that lets you really feel and listen to your breath and allow it to slow down. To just stop whatever you are doing and unselfishly give yourself this time. Even if it's just a few minutes to scan your body or simply take a break. Or to give yourself time to respond to a stressful situation (or yes, even a stress-provoking interaction with someone) without saying or doing something you'll regret later.

I realize that when I'm in child's pose during a yoga practice, I never think about what the next pose is or should be. I don't question what I did prior to coming to child's pose. I don't watch the time. I don't try; I just let myself be. It really is blissful. Even if it's just for a minute.

Interestingly, outside of my yoga practice, beyond the mat -- this is a harder thing to master.

I was feeling burned out and unmotivated the last few weeks after completing a big project. I had been wondering why I couldn't shake off this feeling, this academic "writer's block". I finally decided to call a friend of mine who graduated from her doctoral program (thank you, EB for hearing me out... I am so grateful). She asked me, "have you allowed yourself to really rest?"

Then the light bulb came on. I really haven't. I was still trying to meet deadlines while on vacation time zones away in India, for crying out loud. 

Then once I completed the said project, I jumped on to the next one.

It's funny how we may tend to give ourselves fully to a task or project, but do a half-baked job at resting. I realize that even when I think I'm resting, I'm actually not. Because while I'm trying to rest I'm still thinking about work or feeling guilty about not working. I never truly shut off. So the rest time becomes counterproductive, because the guilt -- and all the other things going on mentally that keep me from resting -- are taxing. 

It's called child's pose for a reason:

image source

Babies... they do this so well. They rest 100%. No half-baked job here. Sigh.

I never thought resting would be hard to do. Yet it is. Somehow, eating chocolate chip cookies is much easier. ;-)

How to rest without the guilt. That is the question.

I'd love to hear from you, friends.