shift in seasons... and in life

Tonight I subbed for another yoga teacher and had one person show up to class. While there is a certain energy in large classes, I do like having small groups, and every now and then, when only one person shows up, it creates an opportunity to really get to know someone in your class and tailor the class to his or her needs. The sweet lady (I will refer to her as M in the rest of this post) who came to class had just retired and was getting more and more into yoga. Fantastic!

Fall is such a time of transition - in nature, in our own schedules. Gone are the long, idyllic days of summer; they have now been replaced with this seemingly constant state of busyness.

Not that I even really had many of those long, idyllic summer days. Somehow this fall - and this semester - just started with a bang and my work seems to have quadrupled. And I feel my lack of focus as I am pulled in many different directions. My energy level seemed to change with every change in direction of the wind. I felt like my energy was all over the place, and yet at the same time, I felt exhausted.

M was in a time of transition herself, having just retired. I can't imagine what a challenge it must be to let go of something that has been part of your identity for years, even decades.

So we did a lot of grounding in our yoga practice. And during our opening meditation, I read this excerpt from one of my favorite bedside books, Transitions: Prayers and Declarations for a Changing Life by Julia Cameron:

"The natural world teaches us the power of change. As seasons shift, I see the purpose and beauty of life's cyclicality. I see the promise of spring, the ripening of summer, the bounty of harvest and the mysterious containment of winter. All seasons work for the good. So it is, too, with the changing cycles of my life. As I surrender to the wisdom of a higher plan, I discover in all circumstances the opportunity for growth and expansion. There is no season in my life that is without worth. There is no season in my life that does not unfold my highest good. Challenged by difficult times, I choose to affirm the goodness of life's timing. 

Today I commit myself to actively seeking the benefit hidden in adversity, the wisdom inherent in all timing."

This is one of my many dog-eared pages from my book. I love the universality of Julia Cameron's words.

At the end of class, M said to me: "That sounded like it was written just for me."

Truth be told, I felt the exact same way.

uncertainty resolved

If you know me and have been reading my ramblings for a while, you'll know that I don't do very well with uncertainty.

There is nothing like the feeling of uncertainty that accompanies being "in limbo" in terms of immigration status.

And finally... after an almost "epic" journey of being in the US for 9 years, two rounds of graduate school and one phase of full-time employment in between... I am now officially a permanent resident!!!!

Whew. A. and I. had a very pleasant surprise (to put it mildly) on February 28th, when we checked our case status online:

screenshot of our case status online (receipt number removed)

"Card/Document Production". YEAH!!!!!!!!!

I literally burst into tears. Who knew those three words could be so sweet. I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but this truly has felt like an epic journey of uncertainty. Those of you whom I talk to on a fairly regular basis know the stressful moments (and yes, the tears) that come with not knowing. Every change, every transition, every major decision (e.g., change in jobs, leaving a job for full-time studies, etc) brings about new paperwork, rules, and waiting. I'm not complaining; this has just been our reality. This is the life we chose. And so we deal with it. Life has to go on... and it did. And I'd say I lived my last 9 years of "in limbo" to the fullest - for the most part, at least. Then finally... after all that uncertainty, we have one pretty major resolution.

But we didn't tell anyone except both our parents until we received the actual physical cards. So we had to contain our excitement, not knowing if our cards could take 3 days or 30 to reach us, as the information above indicated. And then last Saturday... I saw two identical express-mail envelopes in the mail, and as I felt the stiff credit-card size object inside, I knew... but A. wasn't home yet, and since I had a good feeling about what was inside those envelopes, I wanted to open it with him. And true enough... we are no longer nonresident legal aliens, but now officially card-carrying permanent residents!!!

At the risk of making this sound like an Oscar award acceptance speech (pretty timely too, isn't it), I am just so thankful for everyone I left behind who supported me and cheered me on, the amazing friends I met along the way whom I now consider family, and everyone who has been with me in this 9-year journey. It has been one wild ride.

new year, new adventure, newfound courage

So this is a somewhat delayed New Year blog post... but I had been busy over the New Year weekend. I went down to Cincinnati and helped my good friend and her husband pack their apartment to move to New York City. Of course, I was tasked with packing up the kitchen. ;-)

What a timely way to move - what better than to have a fresh start, a new beginning, at the start of the new year?

My friend joked to me, "Why is it that at least one of us is always in boxes?"

 my move in 2006

It's true. Most of her belongings will be going to a storage unit temporarily as she will be staying with an aunt in the city before they find a place. Going from a spacious 3-bedroom unit in a mid-size Midwestern city to an apartment in Manhattan is no joke.

Similarly, since November of last year, many of my belongings have also been in storage (thanks to my brother's large basement) while I am living the student life again.

I wonder if this is a sign that we'll never really get settled too long in any one place. Granted, this friend of mine has been moving and traveling pretty much all her life. I stayed in one place in my home country for most of my life, but traveled after I "came of age" at 24 when I first moved here for graduate school in 2003.

As much as I long to lay down roots and feel settled in a place and in a community, the call of adventure and opportunity is always there. It knocks, it beckons, it shakes me to my core until all I can hear in my gut is, "JUST GO."

It's the call of a dream -- a dream that tugs at your heart and soul, wanting to be fulfilled. It's the call of your inner voice, wanting something more, knowing that you are capable of surprising yourself. It's the call of a secret passion, whatever that may be, wanting to come alive. It doesn't matter if the dream comes to fruition overnight (which it almost never does) or if the dream unfolds slowly -- but we are called to take action, bit by bit, no matter how small... as a sculptor slowly works on a stone or piece of wood, chipping away at it until it finally becomes a work of art. And the art here is not just in the product, but in the process -- as it is in life.

It's an invitation to be courageous.

And how interesting that the root word of courage is from the Latin "cor"/"cour", which means "heart" (hence "coeur" = "heart" in French). In a TED talk by Brene Brown, she defines courage in this sense as "to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." It's the courage to be passionate, vulnerable, and imperfect... even when life is scary.

"bleeding hearts" flowers, Asheville NC, 2009

Another friend of mine shared this excerpt with me a few years ago, and I thought now is a good time to share it.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman, writer and artist

And my New Year wish for you and me is: May you find courage to wholeheartedly live out your story.

questions to think about

As I wrote in previous posts, I have been revisiting my journal from last year. I came across this list of questions that I reflected on when I was going through some major decision making. I wish I can tell you the original source, but unfortunately I did not cite the source when I haphazardly jotted down the questions.

Anyway...

• How does this desire fit in with my greater priorities?
• Is it beneficial to other people as well as to myself?
• Will following this desire hurt me or others?
• What will I have to give up if I follow this desire?
• Does it take me closer to my higher Self, or will it create more barriers between my soul and myself?
• What will I have to give up if I don't follow it?
• What do I really want by getting what I want?

I thought these were great questions for thinking through decisions and transitions. (I left the Excel spreadsheet of pros and cons to my dad whose mind works well through numbers.)

How about you? What helps you make decisions? 

new stomping grounds

Green space in front of my apartment on campus.

Hmmm.... outdoor yoga anybody?

Love that bench too...

transitions

Big changes coming up very soon...

I'm ready. For the most part. I'm about to do what I've been wanting to do. And the opportunity came up to allow me to do it. Still, big transitions can be nerve-wracking. Especially after calling a place home for 6 years, being in a fulfilling job for 4 out of those 6 years.

Am I crazy to be doing this? Am I crazy to give up a stable job in the health care industry in this economy? Am I crazy to embark on this big lifestyle change?

Maybe I am. And maybe that's a good thing.

"In a sky full of people
Only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy?
In a world full of people
Only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy?"

- Seal, "Crazy"

I'll definitely miss this city. It has given me so much - new friendships, new possibilities. Opportunities to dream, and dreams fulfilled. And I've found many, many happy places here. Places for art. Places for food. Places for peace and calm. Soon I'll be discovering a new city, looking for my new happy places. And that's a good thing.