CAN and WILL

"That we can is probably our most fundamental, most important, and most enduring dimension; that we will is simply logical." 
- Donald Baer, Montrose Wolf, and Todd Risley (1987), behavior research scientists

As you may have noticed, I love quoting others' words of wisdom and inspiration. This was the final statement in a recent behavior research article that I read for one of my classes. How interesting to find such views about life in my academic reading. CAN and WILL. I like that.

Last week I was working on a project that sent my anxiety and frustrations through the roof. Things were just not working too well for me and I was up against a deadline. I was so frustrated that I felt like breaking dishes. Yes, you read that right... how un-yogic, isn't it?

(But I do love my small collection of dishes, so no, I didn't break any. And I promise that I am not a violent person. Ok, maybe a little... specifically when some great dessert is involved. Especially when it's dessert at this place.)

Interestingly I heard this story about a professor that has a collection of cheap/old dishes for the purpose of breaking them to release frustration. This professor supposedly even has a place in the yard with a concrete slab against which to break dishes. As the story goes, the professor invites people (i.e., doctoral students?) over to break dishes and relieve stress. Urban legend? Who knows.

I'm not a person that gets angry easily. There are things that are small enough that I "don't sweat it." But there are times when the stakes are high, and that notion of doing all you can and then letting go of perfection doesn't quite cut it. Especially when the expectation is quality, accuracy, and excellence. The expectation is to keep pushing and pushing yourself. Just when you think you've reached the boundaries of your thought process, you are pushed so that you keep expanding it. Which I understand (I think)... we are pushed to great challenges and then to overcome them, and as a result we gain some insight and a new nugget of wisdom.

So something happened last week, and it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. What made me even more anxious, was that I know very well that this is NOT the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my academic life. Far from it.

But I had gotten so worked up by that project, that last weekend, I couldn't even sleep... even after my project was done. I tossed and turned until maybe 2 in the morning. So I practiced some restorative yoga poses, including a gentle inversion (legs up against a wall), did some deep breathing... and finally, what got me to settle down and go to sleep was to silently recite a "mantra" -- I am enough.

I am stumped by a question... how to reconcile the high expectations of academia and the need to be kind and forgiving towards myself? In academia, it's almost never enough. It's only enough when you get those 3 letters behind your name and the three stripes on your graduation gown. But in my inner life, there is a sense that yes, I am enough. Not am I good enough or loving enough or smart enough... just... enough, because I am who I am. You are enough because you are who you are, and there is no one else like you.

Interestingly, last weekend someone called me to apologize about something, and I let it slide SO easily.... and I realized that I'm much more forgiving of other people's "mistakes", but I am so harsh on myself when it has to do with my work and my performance.

So this week I am taking steps to help myself. For now, these are the things I CAN and WILL do to help me find some balance. In my academic world I started organizing my life, and my time, even more (or maybe I had not done that well enough to begin with). I am trying out a new yoga class/studio this weekend which I hope aligns more with my sense of spirituality, so that hopefully I can take more lessons for me to use off the mat. With the hopes that lessons from both worlds -- the world of academia and my "inner life" -- collide, and that these lessons somehow reconcile and play well in the sandbox.

Speaking of sandboxes...

 (My nephew* at the Children's Museum, Cincinnati, Ohio)

* I love watching kids play and explore. I took my nephews to a museum once and they saw this HUGE indoor sandbox and their eyes probably got as big as saucers as they ran to the play area. You feel the great sense of optimism, possibility, and discovery. Lessons to learn....

Do you experience any feelings of a "tug-of-war" between the expectations of your work life and those of your inner life? How do you reconcile both?

questions to think about

As I wrote in previous posts, I have been revisiting my journal from last year. I came across this list of questions that I reflected on when I was going through some major decision making. I wish I can tell you the original source, but unfortunately I did not cite the source when I haphazardly jotted down the questions.

Anyway...

• How does this desire fit in with my greater priorities?
• Is it beneficial to other people as well as to myself?
• Will following this desire hurt me or others?
• What will I have to give up if I follow this desire?
• Does it take me closer to my higher Self, or will it create more barriers between my soul and myself?
• What will I have to give up if I don't follow it?
• What do I really want by getting what I want?

I thought these were great questions for thinking through decisions and transitions. (I left the Excel spreadsheet of pros and cons to my dad whose mind works well through numbers.)

How about you? What helps you make decisions? 

the four directions

I revisited an old journal and found this poem that I took note of from an art gallery on Main Street, in the Over-The-Rhine area of Cincinnati during one of their Final Friday art events in April 2009. Sigh. I miss Final Friday art events in Cincinnati.

And there's just something about prose and/or poetry that reminds me of how the telling of each other's "stories" is important... showing how connected we all are.

So I'm sending my thanks to this poet who shared the poem below:

the four directions


i believe there are not real divisions between us,
look closely.
all of our drawn boundaries are temporary,
they represent our fears.
the directions contain one another.
we may travel north, south, east or west.
we never truly leave a place behind
or arrive at a new place.
we are limitless in this way.
we cannot be contained.
the directions are in our hearts.
they may change circumstance from year to year.
the story lines change.
each story melts into the next.
this is my version of north, south,
east and west.
my four directions are sixty small
pieces of my heart.


-michelle lea red elk
member of the Indian Arts and Crafts Association

finding words of wisdom everywhere...

I recently visited this Thai restaurant, which has been a go-to restaurant for me to have pad thai -- and other Thai dishes -- without fish sauce. (not all restaurant kitchens may be willing to make the adjustment)

I have to admit I enjoy Asian restaurants for the fortune cookies. And amidst my inner struggle, I got a fortune cookie with this little slip of paper that reads:

"There is a way to everything you want."

Now one would argue that it's just a fortune cookie. And it is. But I think it's fun.

And maybe, there IS a way to everything I want. Not "want" in a material sense, but in terms of personal dreams.

 my collage from a retreat in August 2008

I have at least 2 friends who are either going through some life transitions, or thinking about a life transition. Thinking about what they want...and what they don't want. And what great things they envision for themselves. It's all so exciting, sitting in that place of possibility and potential. Even if it may mean putting a end to something, it also means that there is something new beginning. That seems to be what life is: endings and new beginnings. With each phase ending there is a lesson learned, with each new beginning there is an opportunity to take another step towards our highest self.

A dear friend and spiritual author, whose birthday is today, always talks about being open to this sense of "infinite power that enables us to fulfill our highest purpose." (Happy birthday, K.! Thank you for your words of wisdom.)

It's no wonder my body has been so attracted to heart-opening poses lately. Backbending has been feeling SO good in my recent yoga practice. Cobra pose, camel pose, full wheel. There's something about this feeling of openness, expansion, and largeness of heart in these poses. It never fails to amaze me how the body, mind, and spirit are so connected.

So when you're feeling stuck, try some backbends. Whether it's a gentle backbend like a low cobra or sphinx, or a more challenging backbend such as the full wheel... whatever is right for you and your body at any particular time. And even if you don't come to an answer just yet, you will at least have given your body a delicious stretch. I'd say there's wisdom in honoring your body.

Here's a thought I've been meditating on lately:

"Don't worry about what the world wants from you, worry about what makes you come more alive. Because what the world really needs are people who are more alive." - Howard Thurman

What is your source of power? And what makes you "come alive"? I'd love to hear...

do what you love, love what you do.

"What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do." - Sanaya Roman

This sounds all too easy, doesn't it?

But the truth is, there are many challenges involved. The voices that say, you shouldn't, the voice of the practical, the voice of self-doubt, the voice of the critic and inner saboteur. (Got that term from the book The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women by Gail McMeekin -- a present from this creative friend).

I still struggle with living an academic/professional life and living a creative life. How to have the best of both worlds?

What are your inner saboteurs?

food, yoga, and art

Today I'm going to treat myself to a little celebration, after an intense summer class, in which a semester's worth of information is crammed into 5 weeks. In addition to that, there was work/co-teaching, and planning for fall semester duties. This summer flew by at a hectic pace, but I'm giving myself permission to slow down and celebrate summer today.

This morning started with homemade chocolate chip pancakes, thanks to this recipe (I added the chocolate chips -- why not?).

A little later I will practice some yoga... maybe yin yoga? Then later this afternoon, I am preparing a picnic to bring to an outdoor concert, where A and I will sit on the lawn to watch a performance of the Silk Road Ensemble with Yo-Yo Ma at the Blossom Music Center. I can't play music to save my life, but I LOVE the cello. Especially by Yo-Yo Ma. And it will be my first time to see the Silk Road Ensemble.Watching the symphony gives me goosebumps and brings me to tears.  What is it about art and music that just speaks to your soul?

harpist in Grailville, spring 2008

The picnic is still to be deciced, but I'm thinking of red grapes with pecorino romano cheese, pita bread and hummus, a pasta salad with black olives, artichokes, and sun-dried tomato, then strawberries and Nutella, and iced jasmine green tea for me and some kind of wine for A. Yum. 

Food, yoga, and art... what could be better?

Happy weekend!

homemade salt scrub

I had another one of those sudden urges to get crafty.

I looked at what I had lying around in my kitchen and bathroom. Here's what I had:

sweet almond oil
sea salt and Himalayan pink salt (fine salt, not coarse!)
dried flowers, like lavender
essential oils: lavender, bergamot, peppermint.

So I thought... why not make a salt scrub?

Here's how to do it:

Start with a clean glass jar. I like reusing those mason jars or jam jars.... especially if they have pretty lids (without the food product label!)

Fill the jar halfway with sea salt. Or Himalayan pink salt, if you have it...





 


You can get Himalayan pink salt at a specialty foods store or online. I was lucky and chanced upon a great deal on it at TJ Max!

The little specks of pink make it look pretty, and it's got minerals, trace elements, and all that good stuff.

 Start filling up the jar with sweet almond oil. Use a stiff spoon to stir the oil into the salt, to allow the salt to absorb the oil. Add more salt and more oil, a little bit at the time, until the jar is about 3/4 full.

Add several drops of essential oil (until you can smell a subtle fragrance). I used lavender this time, because it's my favorite, but you can choose one you like. Stir it all together.

Then end with another thin layer of sweet almond oil to cover the salt. Close the lid tightly, and enjoy in your next bath... or give it to a friend!

Those are dried lavender flowers, floating at the surface of the oil. I thought they would mix well together with the salt and absorb some of the oil so it gets incorporated throughout... but it didn't. But that's ok...

* You know those little plastic tasting spoons that are used in sampling stations at grocery stores? I actually save those to use in my spice bottles. I also stuck one of those little spoons in the salt scrub jar, for stirring each time before using in the bath!